Asylum
by Miko Akako
Summary: AU LxLight Light went crazy after L burned the death note, leading him to end up in an insane asylum. Will he find some way out of the dark, or is he lost forever? Rating for Chapters 20 and Epilogue. COMPLETE
1. Penance

**Miko**: I know I failed horribly with PP, and I can promise you now that there will be a period of time that I will have to give infrequent updates, but I'm super excited about this story. It will be my first multi-chapter story that focuses solely on L and Light. This was inspired after reading the Prince and looking up the term "Machiavellianism." I then learned about the dark triad, and Light was the first thing that came to mind. Several drabbles latter, I came up with this chapter. Enjoy!

**Background: **This is AU. L is not dead. After capturing Higuchi, Light regained his memories of the death note, but the note was burned. For some reason, this made Light go crazy. He confessed to being Kira and is now in England in an insane asylum. Misa will enter this eventually, only she will not have any memory of the death note (at first, anyway). There will be no Near, Mello or Matt in this unless I feel very random. If you have any other questions, leave them in a review. (:

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**Penance**

This is my penance. This is my daily routine to remind myself what my actions can lead to, and warn me just how easily I could have died. The institute was close to my headquarters in England. His family had not stepped up to claim him, and I refused to burden them with the cost of his medical care. I refused to let Watari drive me. It was the only place I walked, always in the same over sized clothes despite the weather.

That day, it was cold and overcast, but my mind was not focusing on my physical discomfort. Instead, I remembered the first time I had gone to visit the boy after his breakdown. The institute was cold and remote, despite being situated just on the outskirts of down. People seemed to avoid walking in front of it, instead crossing the street as if physical closeness to the inhabitants could infect them. I was the only person who made the walk down the sidewalk to the door.

The first day was the worst. He was conscious, and waiting for the doctor to examine him. I didn't let him see me that day, but just looking at him was enough to force the reality down my throat. I hated seeing him when he was conscious. The monster sitting before me had no resemblance to the boy I had known for so long. He was so dangerous to himself and everyone around him he was normally sedated, a lump of bones and skin pale from lack of sunlight.

"Hello, Ryuzaki." The receptionist no longer asked for my ID, just slipping me the visitors badge. "He was talking about you this morning." I refused to engage in her useless chatter; instead I turned and walked after the nurse who was waiting for me. He knew I had no desire to talk, and did not attempt anything after the initial greeting. We passed several other nurses as we continued our silent trek through the cold hospital. Several times we passed one way windows showing patients interacting with a therapist.

"This way, Ryuzaki." The nurse led me towards doors labeled 'High Security' and I braced myself. The walls between the High Security rooms and the public rooms was sound proof, but a high wailing assaulted my ears as the door opened and I hurried in. Each individual room was sound proof, but at this time of day, several prisoners were being led in strait jackets by large men. They were the source of the shouting. I let my gaze drift over each in turn but I knew none of them were the boy I wanted to visit.

"He hasn't been sedated yet today. It really isn't safe for you to go in." I blinked at the man. Every day we had the same conversation. Every day I walked into the room and spent a few brief moments with the boy I had forced so low. Today, however, it was well past noon so I had expected him to be sedated already. The thought of facing him, cackling and wailing at me made me flinch.

"Why has he not been sedated? It is well past time. Unless he has shown improvement and no longer requires sedation." The nurse met my gaze solidly.

"I'm afraid I do not know the details of this patient, but…." From behind him, a woman in a white coat strode forward. She extended a hand which I took reluctantly.

"Forgive me. I am Dr. Jennifer Lovell. You must be Ryuzaki." I nodded reluctantly, and my gaze drifted to the door. "If you wouldn't mind coming with me for just a moment I would like you to observe the patient and perhaps tell me if this type of behavior is typical." I followed the doctor up a short flight of stairs up to the observation platform though a two way mirror.

"Nothing is typical for Light." I said, trying to delay the moment I had to look at the boy in the room. When I looked, though, my mind flashed back to another scene, long ago. That time I had been sitting in front of a TV screen, but the view was the same. Light, sitting on the floor, pleading for release. I could hear him with the headphones connected to the speaker in the padded cell.

"Ryuzaki. I know I wanted to be locked up, but it is pointless. I'm not Kira. Let me out, Ryuzaki. Please." He repeated it over and over, adding other useless pleas. I put the headphones down and faced the doctor.

"I have seen him do this once before," I admitted. My eyes locked with Lights, even though there was no way he could know I was watching. "When he lost his memory of being Kira. But that was when he gave up the note. I do not believe it is possible for that to happen now. Perhaps he is simply reliving the past."

"I am afraid it could indicate a much more serious personality disorder than the original diagnosis. We have been treating him for intermittent explosive disorder, which has been explained to you. We know that when he was acting as Kira he displayed advanced signs of Machiavellianism and quite probably sociopathy. All we need to add is narcissism and he would be one of the only people to display all three disorders in the dark triad. However, this sudden shift in behavior indicates he may be displaying multiple personalities. The question then is, which of them is the original, and which is the created?" I looked blankly at the doctor.

"The Light I knew was narcissistic. How could someone styling themselves as a god be anything less? However, from my observations, I believe that Light suffers from multiple personalities. Or rather, two. The dominant one, Kira, could be diagnosed with any and all of the dark triad. Light created this personality in order to cope with the weight of murder. Of course, with such a dominant personality, it is possible that the being known as Light no longer exists. I brought him here in hopes you would have the means to suppress Kira enough for Light to resurface." The doctor nodded and wrote something on a notepad she had in her hand.

"I understand, Mr. Ryuzaki." She said. "Now that he seems to be displaying signs of improvement, we can begin with that. It is first important to get him to a state where he is not dangerous to himself before we can come to a full diagnosis. I will take your words into account and examine him after you are gone." Dr. Lovell walked away and the nurse opened the door for me to enter the cell.

"Ryuzaki!" Raito flung himself at my feet, looking up through oval eyes the color of honey. I could see tears welling in his eyes. "I knew you would come for me, Ryuzaki. Please. I'm not Kira. You know me. You lived with me. You would have noticed if I was a serial killer. Please let me out, L!" I was taken by surprise. He remembered the time we were chained, but not being Kira. I took a step back from him and turned my head.

"I know you are Kira, Light." I forced myself to look at the beautiful boy as his face twisted in pain. "Light – k…You confessed after I burned Higuchi's note. Please stand up, Light – kun." The tears burning paths down his face were real and I knelt to help him up. He lunged at me and spat in my face.

"I hate you, L!" Whatever had brought Light to the surface was gone. "I will make Light kill you! Ohh…He doesn't want to, but I have more control than him. Light will kill you, than I will be God!" His face contorted into a horrible sneer and twisted with maniacal laughter. The change from Light to Kira was complete. Kira lunged at me again but I had recovered and grabbed his shoulders, pulling him close to me as he flailed against me.

"I will destroy you, Kira. I will find Light and save him. And you will not kill me." I whispered fiercely as the nurse rushed in and quickly injected the sedative into Light. Almost instantly, Light went slack in my arms and I lowered him to the ground gently.

"Thank you." I walked out of the room and wanted to fall to the ground, but I feigned indifference as I did every day. When I made it back to headquarters I would have time to express my emotions, but not in front of so many people. "I will see you tomorrow." I handed the receptionist my badge and walked out the doors and on to the street. No one looked at me as I hung my head and made the slow trek back. I never looked back at the institute as I walked away. I had completed my penance for the day and had work to get back to. Perhaps one day I would be able to fix Light, but for now, Kira was still living in his body.

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**A/N: **I fixed the dialogue dealing with Light's diagnosis. Thank you for pointing it out, Serria!


	2. Puzzles

**Miko:** So I'm finding this very slow writing. I literally sat at my computer for about three hours yesterday just looking at this story and I only managed to write a few words. I spent another four or five today looking at it, adding like one sentence at a time. Thanks to Serria, I fixed the part discussion Light's diagnosis in the first chapter so hopefully it makes more sense now. Reviews are loved. And hopefully this will start to pick up the pace soon.

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**Puzzles**

That night while I sat at the computer screen, my thoughts turned to Light. I couldn't get the image of him, lying at my feet in tears, out of my head. There was no reason it should affect me as it had. I shouldn't have any emotional attachment to the boy. I had a sense of obligation to care for him, as it had been my rash actions that led to his current state. He also reminded me that even the most powerful can fall. In his height, he had almost been my equal. Now, without true explanation, he had fallen.

I bit my thumb as I considered that proposition. I was so interested in Light because he was a puzzle. I didn't enjoy physical puzzles, as one of my successors did. I enjoyed the logical ones and Light was probably the greatest puzzle I would ever encounter. And the best part, every time I thought I had broken the code and reached a conclusion, something would happen to convince me I was wrong.

I had been so certain that Light was Kira, though the surveillance had shown nothing to indicate he was anything more than an ordinary teen. His dedication to proving me wrong was a delightful challenge. Then, just when I was sure that he really was Kira, he lost his memory of it and I began to doubt myself. No other suspect could make me doubt myself. I was L – the World's greatest detective! He was just the son of a mediocre detective.

Then there was the biggest shock of all – his confession. After weeks of working side by side to capture Higuchi and clear up the question of who Kira was once and for all, Light messed up his chance at success. Of course, afterward I realized it had been the destruction of the Death Note that had broken something in Light-Kira's mind. Still, the result was fascinating and horrifying at the same time. I wouldn't give up until he figured out the inner workings of the boy's mind.

I replayed Light's drastic personality change over and over in my mind. There was no doubt now that Light and Kira were separate personalities. Unless, of course, Kira and Light were one, and had used that ruse to lead my speculations down the wrong path. It was possible, but past evidence refuted that idea. Innocent Light did not deceive. He was far too altruistic and committed to justice to murder. Light as Kira, however, was the personification of Machiavelli's Prince. The end justifies the means. I gripped the chair edge in frustration.

Despite my best attempts, Light had become my friend. At least, he was as close to a friend as anyone had ever been to me. I did not trust him, but I did not even trust Whammy more than I absolutely had to. But that rested in my own psychological issues and until they caused a problem, I had no desire to delve into my own problems.

"Friend." I said the word out loud. "Light-kun." His name rolled off my tongue easily. "Light-kun. Friend." I wanted to laugh at my own stupidity. The Light I had known had probably never existed. Until I knew that for certain, I had to solve the puzzle he presented. Having decided on a course of action, I set aside that problem to focus on the list of cases Whammy had brought me.

I flipped through each case without interest. After the Kira case…I stopped my thoughts, knowing where that path would lead. I had not taken a case since returning to England over a month previous. Hundreds had build up during the time I had spent in Japan, but none worthy of my notice. Many of them were missing children, the majority obviously the result of a divorce when one parent took a child without telling the other, some were small burglaries.

Finally I came upon one that was worthy of my attention. I saw the bookmark Whammy had placed on it. Normally I left the decision of cases to him, but the process was relaxing, and sometimes he missed what could turn out to be important. This one was strange, by all matters. A 10-year-old boy had been found a few miles from his house, lying dead in the middle of a forest. According to his parents, he often went there to play with several friends from the neighborhood. The parents both had airtight alibi's.

The boy, who had been strangled, was found by his friends the day after he was reported missing. All of them had been interviewed, and none had seen the boy the day of his disappearance. I reviewed the images of the dead child. There were a few seemingly random cuts on him, caused by some kind of knife. None of them were located anywhere that could be deadly, and none were deep enough to lose enough blood to kill even a child.

The murder had taken place four years ago, and only last week another child had been found dead. This murder did not appear to be related. The cause of death was obvious in the picture – a huge gash across the throat. The child was a girl, this time. She had been one of the children interviewed about the boy's death. She was older than the other children, whose ages ranged from 8 to 13. She had just turned 15. The only other person her age was a girl named Susanna. Susanna looked like the rest of the children. She had a bright smile, and a good family. Nevertheless, I placed her at the top of my list of suspects. Now I had to prove her guilty.

To my surprise, Whammy walked in then with a slice of cake and a cup of tea. I thanked him quietly and devoured the cake quickly. To the tea, I added the large stack of sugar cubes he had brought on a separate plate and waited for it to cool. I never drank my tea hot, even in the middle of winter. By the time my breakfast was gone, I decided to visit Light.

It was only nine am, so I was fairly certain he would be conscious. There were very few people out at that time. Most were in work, and those who weren't were still asleep. I tried to enjoy the morning, but my thoughts kept going back to the murdered child. If my suspicions were correct, the suspect was only 11 when she had first murdered. My thoughts were still on the case when I followed the nurse down the hall.

"How is he today?" I broke the silence for the first time. The nurse almost didn't answer, and when he did it was with a frown.

"He has not been sedated. That's all I know. But it is rather early." I mumbled something, but neither of us said anything until we reached the door. He didn't bother with a warning today.

"Hello, Light." I looked at the boy who was sitting in the corner. His eyes were dull, despite the nurse assuring me he had not been sedated. "How are you today?" I said a few feet away from him. His honey eyes flickered to meet mine.

"Hello, L." He mumbled. "I've felt better. My arms feel rather strange after so long in this position." As if to prove his point, he flexed against the suit.

"Do you know why the suit is necessary, Light?" I refused to acknowledge how surprised I was. I didn't want to risk bringing Kira back to the front of Light's mind. Light, sighed and looked past me as he answered.

"Because I killed so many people. I just…I can't figure out why. Or how I did it without realizing. I mean, so much of the past year is…blank. But I know I'm…" His sentence drifted off into silence and I held my breath. I was almost afraid to look at the teen, as though he would break if I moved wrong.

"Are you okay, Light-kun?" I put emphasis on the last word, and the aubern haired male smiled at me.

"I'm fine, L." He said. "But I think you should go now. I'm feeling rather…strange. I think I would like the sedation." Even though he tried to keep his tone even, I sensed the urgency behind his words. I resisted the urge to reach out a hand to the boy.

"Very well. I will see you again tomorrow, Light-kun. I believe I have a case I need your help on."

"That would be wonderful, Ryuzaki." He said, his attention obviously focused elsewhere. I stood from my awkward sitting position and knocked on the door to indicate I wanted out. The nurse, who had been watching from the balcony, had the sedation in hand. I nodded and he went in and injected the quiet Light, who rested his head against the wall and appeared to fall asleep.

"He isn't stupid, that one." The nurse observed. "Maybe now that he knows he's two different people he'll be able to control it." I said nothing, but considered the nurses words. Perhaps they were true. Light was intelligent. But so was Kira. Eventually, Kira would find a way to break down whatever defense Light created. Because in the end, Kira and Light were the same person.


	3. Conversation

**Miko**: So I already have the next chapter written, and I've had this one done since I posted the last. I'm so glad that you guys like it. I can tell because of the fact that my email is getting clogged with the 'favorites' and 'alerts.' :) Now let's send some more spam to my inbox saying the words 'review' maybe? If I get enough reviews I may even post the next chapter early! Otherwise, I'll stick with the "One chapter every other day" philosophy I've got going on now. This case idea was insipired by Mary Bell's case. If you don't know who she is, I'd suggest looking it up. Her case absolutly fascinated me. And we couldn't just have L sitting around all the time, could we? Anyway, enjoy this chapter!

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**Conversation**

On an almost constant basis, I get frustrated with the world. Not the world, as in trees and flowers, but the general level of human intelligence. The case I had taken on had reached a dead end. The police were unwilling to question Susanna again. Her parents claimed she was distraught over the murder of her friend. So I was stuck reviewing the interviews the police had taken originally. Fortunately, it had been recorded on a video. Unfortunately, the police did not want to release the video to me, so I was stuck with the printed copy.

_Officer – Do you know what happened to Ben?_

_Susanna – He dead. I saw him lying there. His neck was bruised._

_Officer – Did anyone have a fight with him when you last saw him?_

_Susanna – No sir. Everyone like Ben. He good kid. He ain't like his folks. So we his family. _

_Officer – Are you sure no one was mad at Ben? _

_Susanna – N…Well, I mean. Him and George did have a fight a few days afore. George was mad cause Ben didn't want to play. Do you think George could have killed him?_

_Officer – I don't know. It would be a very bad thing if he did. Do you think he could?_

_Susanna – Nah. George ain't got a mean part of him._

_Officer – What about Ben's parents?_

_Susanna – I dunno. They ain't any good. They want to control all Ben's life. Can I see him?_

_Officer - See who?_

_Susanna – Ben. Could I see him? _

_Officer – No. I don't think that would be a good idea._

_Susanna – Oh. Okay. I'm ready to go home now. I don't know nothing else._

_Officer – Very well. Thank you, Susanna._

I scanned the interview over with disgust. The interviewer obviously had no training in the art. Worse than that, so many of Susanna's comments were ambiguous; they could be taken so many ways depending on her body language at the time. For instance, had she been smiling and laughing through the interview, or was she on the verge of tears? I had no answers to those questions without the video.

Of course, I couldn't rule out any of the other children, so my request had been for video of all the interviews. None of them, however, had answered questions in full sentences. From their dialogue, it was clear they were shaken. Based on that, I was about 54% certain that Susanna was the killer. But seeing those videos would help…

I looked at the clock. It was past noon and I had not been to see Light. By now he would undoubtedly be sedated, and thus useless to me, just as he had been every time I'd visited him in the past two weeks. However, I had an obligation to visit him, and I would not break my word. At least not this time anyway. So I shoved a few notes on the case in my pocket. None of the interviews, just the brief summary that had hooked me in the case.

I did not need Light's help, of course. In fact, this case was becoming boring. At this point, I really only had to prove Susanna guilty. The only difficulty would be finding the evidence. But if she was guilty, it would come out given the right prodding. Everyone had a weakness.

"Hello, Ryuzaki." The receptionist flashed a smile at me which I did not return. "I'm afraid you can't see Light now. He is in a session with Dr. Lovell as we speak." I just looked at her, not saying anything. I know the effect of my staring. She held out for about five seconds before shifting nervously.

"I suppose you can go back and wait until it is over." She handed me my visitors badge quickly and I smiled briefly before turning to follow my nurse, who had miraculously appeared when I walked in.

"That is one strange person, Light." The nurse said. Despite my normal unwillingness to talk, I found the nurse's observations interesting, so I conceded.

"How so?" I asked. My hands were in my pocket and I walked slouched. I didn't even look at the nurse when he spoke.

"He asks for the sedation. Before those fits now. So I can only give him a small dose and he comes out of it quicker, but still. It's like he knows he's crazy, and he doesn't want to be." So Light had asked to be sedated at least one other time. Did that mean he was stronger than Kira? Or at least close enough in strength to the mass-murderer that he had some control? But why had he changed, suddenly? All the questions floating in my mind, unanswered.

"Does he speak ever?" I asked after a few moments of silence.

"Hmm? Not really. But I don't have access to the recordings. But it isn't on the chart if he does. You can ask Dr. Lovell. He's spent every minute with her since he became aware of his alternate personality. She's taken a particular fascination in his case. Which is lucky, since she's probably the best psychiatrist we have on our staff and she rarely devotes this much time to her patients." Something in me bristled. I didn't want Light spending time with the doctor. I considered him my own personal puzzle. I would solve him and fix him. Now I had to compete with someone.

"Thank you." I said. We waited in silence outside Light's room. After a few minutes, Light appeared, walking next to Dr. Lovell. The two were talking animatedly until they saw me. Then Light's face froze and he looked desperately around, as if he could escape. He realized his mistake a moment too late, and his face turned dark. There was no where he could go now. He could, of course, send me away. Dr. Lovell noticed the change and put a hand on his arm. He flinched, but stopped to look at her. They had a brief conversation, Dr. Lovell looking concerned and her hand never leaving Light's shoulder. In the end, Light shook his head and flashed her a smile. I was the only one who could see that it was not genuine.

"Hello, Ryuzaki." He said. "Would you like to talk?" I nodded and he indicated I should walk with him. It appeared he now had limited freedoms, as no one followed us as we strolled through the common areas. Posted along the corridor were guards, but none questioned his right. Some even waved as we passed, though in his strait jacket, Light could only nod back.

"Light-kun seems well." I remarked. I couldn't think of anything else to say, but I knew I sounded ridiculous. I may as well have made some remark on the weather. Light knew the remark was useless as well, but he gave no indication.

"Only sometimes." He said. "Sometimes…"He stopped, closed his eyes, and took a breath. "It is getting easier to stay in control. Jennie, that is, Dr. Lovell, has been a huge help to me in the past few weeks. In time, I may even be able to control it all the time. She believes I may even be released eventually. Of course, only if I can control Kira all the time. But I doubt I will ever be that strong."

I looked at Light with confusion. He was so different from the boy I had known, but at the same time, he was the same. I realized the difference – he was not hiding anything. The cynic in me pointed out that Kira may simply have regained full control and was simply pretending to be Light.

"That is wonderful, Light-kun." I said. Light looked at me funny, and then laughed.

"Are you jealous, L?" He asked, still laughing.

"Of course not, Light-kun." I recovered quickly. I would not tell Light I disliked the doctor, because she had, in all fairness, made huge leaps with Light in a very short time. "I am the one who put you here in hopes they could help you recover. Of course, I very much doubt you will ever be free to go, especially considering the…nature…of Kira. After all, he is smart enough to convince the world he is you. So no, Light-kun. I am not jealous. I am simply in shock that she would even hint, let alone outright tell you, that you may be released one day." Light's face fell, and I regretted my harsh words.

"Is that what you think, L?" He asked. "That I'll always be Kira? Well fine. I will prove you wrong, though. I am not a murderer. I will overcome this. I'll find a way to make you believe I'm cured. Because what you think does matter to me, L. And even if I'm never released, I would still like to solve cases and put criminals away where they belong."

I bit my lip to stop myself from replying. This was the Light I knew. I felt a thrill go through me at the honesty behind his eyes as he spoke. Unlike me, he had the ability to use his entire body to convey his words. Of course, I knew that Kira could lie through his body just as well as Light could speak the truth. So I focused on his eyes. Light's eyes always flared open. When he was Kira, they narrowed. Obviously I knew I couldn't trust that to be the true indicator of who was in control of the body, but it was my only clue. In cases of multiple personalities, each personality had a tell, something to identify them as unique.

"Very well, Light-kun." I said. I put my hand in my pocket and pulled out the case notes I had brought. "Consider this your first case. I will leave the notes with you in your room. I have duplicates, so if these are destroyed it will not hurt my case in the least. Each time I visit I will bring the next piece of evidence as you ask for it." Light glared at me for a few seconds, but he finally nodded.

"Aren't you afraid I'll try and kill myself with it? Try and shove it down my throat?" He spoke bitterly, but I knew he was flattered by the fact that I would trust him.

"Since you mention it." I said, chuckling. "But no, Light-kun. You are not suicidal. You have too strong a hold on this life. As does Kira." A shiver ran through Light at that name.

"Sorry. I just…I hate him. As much as it's possible to hate a part of yourself. I just feel like I should be able to…amputate him, or something. But he's always there. Right on the edge of my mind. Listening to everything you say. Everything I think and feel." By now we had come back to Light's room.

"I will come back tomorrow, Light-kun. Hopefully we will talk then." Light smiled and walked into his room without hesitation. "And perhaps soon they will take the strait jacket off." I added. Now that Light knew to control himself, and could tell when anything would happen, I decided to ensure that he did not have to wear it all the time.

"Good-bye, L." He said. "Could you send the nurse in on your way out?" As I closed the door, I saw him sink to his knees, bent over so his head rested on the wall. His breathing was forced. The nurse rushed in and administered the sedative.

"Good-bye, Light-kun." I whispered as his entire body relaxed. For the first time since I had begun visiting Light, I stopped to talk to the receptionist at the end of my visit. She ignored me at first, and I decided I couldn't be mad at her, after my behavior.

"I would like to schedule a meeting with Dr. Lovell to discussion Light Whammy's progress." She looked at me in confusion for a moment before nodding.

"Certainly, Ryuzaki." She said. I had decided to keep the nickname I'd adopted in Japan for simplicity sake. "When would you like to schedule it?"

"Tomorrow, I believe." I said, closing my eyes and forcing myself to relax as she hummed under her breath and took her time looking through the schedule. Finally, she must have found a time.

"Aha. I can put you in for 10:30 in the morning. Does that work for you?" She smiled at me obnoxiously and I just nodded. "I will see you tomorrow, Mr. Ryuzaki!" I twitched my fingers in a farewell. I wasn't sure what I wanted to say to the psychiatrist, but I wasn't willing to trust Light's sanity to someone I didn't know.

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**Miko:** Oh yeah. I thought that I should point out that L does not see Light as anything more than a friend. And Light doesn't know what in the world he thinks. I thought about writing a little from his point of view so I could take a break from L, but I'm not sure. You can leave your opinion on that in your review. :)


	4. Letters

**Miko: **Big thank you to ShinigamiBlueberry and Black Alice Butterfly for the reviews on last chapter! I deticate this one to you. Sorry there is no Light in this one. But I did update early, like I promised. (: The next chapter is super short. I was going to include it in this chapter, but then I decided not to. There is no Light in that one, either, though. (: Reviews = fast updates. Simple math. And thank you everyone who has favorited this story, I think it's my most popular story ever. I was thinking I'd hold a "contest" thing and maybe write a requested one or two shot for the 25th reviewer. Hopefully I'll get that many reviews. Would anyone be interested in that?

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**Letters **

"You requested my assistance with this case. I will send my associate by later today to pick up the files. If you do not give them to him, I will retract my help." I slammed the phone. The cops were still giving me trouble about asking for the videos. I rarely let my emotions rule me, but at that moment I wanted nothing more than to throw something at the wall.

"Something arrived in the mail for you today, L." Whammy walked into the room holding a large envelope. I frowned. I was not expecting anything. It couldn't be a waste of time, though, because Whammy would not have brought it to me if he had.

"Who is it from?" I asked, trying to breathe evenly. Even with Whammy I refused to let my emotions show. "And I need you to drive to the station and pick up the files from the child murder case. If they do not have it ready inform them I will no longer be working with them."

"Very well, L." Whammy said. The corners of his mouth twisted into a smile, and I knew he could hear my anger under the monotone voice I made such an effort to speak in. "It is from a Sayu Yagami and Misa Amani." I took the letter between a thumb and forefinger. I had no desire to remain in contact with Amani, but I was curious as to what Sayu Yagami had written to me.

_Ryuzaki,_

_U need to release Light cuz he is innocent. I no u said he confessed but I dont believe u. Light wud never kill ne1. …._

I tossed that letter to the side, not even bothering to finish it. I did not miss interacting with the model at all. I had never figured out Light's fascination with her, beside her obvious beauty. The one from Sayu was much longer. In it, I could tell how devoted she was to her brother. Behind her letter to me, was one addressed to Light.

_Ryuzaki,_

_I am not certain if I should thank you or ask you to return my brother to Japan. My parents are grateful you kept Light's name a secret from the media, and so am I. I am not, however, happy that you took him from my life. When it comes down to it, Light is my brother, and even if he did murder people for the past year, he still deserves my love. In fact, because Light is Kira I believe he needs love all the more for it. _

_I understand Kira is evil, but I still cannot imagine my brother as being that ruthless. He was never harsh to anyone. No one who knew him speaks a word against him. It has been quite difficult trying to explain why he left, because he appeared so happy here. Finally, though, people are beginning to accept the story that he left to work for the detective L in England. Again, I do not know why you were willing to spread that lie for my brother, who is someone you should hate._

_I am sorry for including Misa's letter with mine, but I owe her a great debt, which you will understand in a few lines. The reason I am writing this is not to ask you for an explanation of your actions, which I know would be a waste of paper, but to ask for permission to visit my brother. Misa has secured a plane to bring us to England, but despite my best attempts, I cannot find any record of a 'Light Yagami' in any of the prisons or mental institutes in England. It is obvious you do not want him to have visitors, but I hope that you will make an exception for his little sister and ex-girlfriend. I am beginning to think that Light used Misa, though, and did not truly care for her as she has deluded herself into believing. She is not exceptionally bright, but she does have her moments. Many of them seem to be inspired by movies she's acted in, though. _

_I hope this finds you and Light well. And I would be most appreciative if you could convey my letter to Light. I have attached an exact copy of what I wrote to him, or you may open the letter addressed to him, though I would rather hope you wouldn't. _

_Thank you,_

_Sayu Yagami_

I read the letter quickly. Her emotion was evident in the way she tried to write without emotion. As a sibling of Light's, it was clear she was intelligent. I was not please about giving Light a letter from home, but I found myself sympathizing with Sayu. It appeared that no one was immune to Light's charm, even his sister. I turned the page and saw a different letter, this one hand-written.

_Dearest Light,_

_I love you, and I miss you. I know you'll never admit it, but I know you love and miss me too. If you don't mind, I would like to come visit you soon. Ryuzaki-san is kind enough to help us if you agree to it. I have so much to tell you, but I will wait until I see you. Please let Ryuzaki-san know if you would like me to visit. Also, Misa-Misa would be coming with me. If you don't want to see us, I understand and I am ready and waiting any time you change your mind. I love you, big brother. That will never change._

_Sayu_

I almost decided to trust the girl, but I was not willing to compromise Light in any way, so I opened the letter and quickly compared them. They were identical, but in case she had hidden any secret message in them in a code known only between herself and Light, I decided not to give him the letter, but simply pass along the message.

I didn't realize I had agreed to let Sayu and, hesitantly, Misa visit Light until I was on my way to the institute. I still was not convinced it was for the best, but perhaps seeing two people from his former life would help distinguish between Light and Kira.

I arrived at exactly 10:30 to see an annoyed Dr. Lovell standing in the lobby tapping her foot. When I walked through the door she looked at her watch and I saw her bite back a remark. I was on time, but not a minute early.

"This way." She did not waste time on formalities, but walked sharply away, down a hall, around a corner, and then to a stop outside what could only be her office. It was, as I had expected, organized neatly. There were no pictures on the wall. The only frames held her diplomas. I scanned the school names and saw she had attended ivy league for her undergraduate work and then transferred to Michigan State which had the top psychiatry program in the United States. I wondered briefly why she had moved to England, but quickly decided it was of no importance.

"What can I do for you, Ryuzaki? Or should I call you L?" She asked.

"I would like to discuss Light." I said. "As he is legally insane, and I am his next of kin, you cannot refuse me." She opened and closed her mouth for several seconds before pursing her lips. For whatever reason, she disliked me as much as I disliked her.

"Very well." She pulled out a file from a drawer. I noticed it was over twice as thick as any of the other files. "Light Whammy. Convicted of being Kira after a mental breakdown where he confessed. Sufficient evidence was provided, namely a hand writing sample from a 'Death Note' which was produced by the suspect. He showed symptoms of Machiavellianism, narcissism, and sociopathy in his willingness to do anything to achieve his goal – the perfect world without criminals – styling himself as a god, and his utter lack of compassion to even the most regretful and minor criminals. After detailed workups, it was discovered that 'Kira' and 'Light' are two separate personalities in the same body. He was diagnosed with Dissociative Identity Disorder and has been going through therapy in an attempt to cure this. We have not acknowledged the personality known as 'Kira' and sufficient attention has been paid to 'Light.' There is no history of physical or emotional abuse in the family, though exact details have been withheld by the patient. It is supposed, and was brought up by the patient and the next of kin, that the cause of the DID is as a way to cope with the psychological stress of murder. 'Kira' was developed after 'Light' killed a man using the 'Death Note' and has sense grown in power. He patient has been making remarkable improvements, but is not able to retain full control of consciousness. He often looses memories for several hours, instead of several days. The prognosis is encouraging, though when dealing with DID it is often impossible to determine the outcome." She closed the file and looked up at me.

"Any particular questions, Ryuzaki?" She asked.

"Have you spoken to Kira at all?" I asked.

"No. I have discussed this case with several of my peers and we decided it is too dangerous to acknowledge someone with Kira's personality. To do so would give him a feeling of validity. And the last thing anyone wants is Kira to control the body." Her tone made it clear that I was not to go against her orders. I nodded and agreed, but I had my own ideas, and I felt that by ignoring Kira it would force him to act. I would not let him hurt Light.

"I would like to visit Light now." I said, standing. Dr. Lovell just nodded and led me back to the lobby where the nurse was waiting for me. We walked in silence to the high security section of the ward, but when he began to lead me down a different hallway I questioned him.

"Light was moved to a new room last night." He said. "He is no longer considered a danger to himself, so he was given a normal room and he no longer has to wear the strait jacket." I nodded, pleased that it had been done without my interference. I knew that my input was not the most welcome, but I also knew that I would not stay silent. Whatever strange fascination I had with Light, I would not give it up easily.

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**A/N: **I had to take this down and put it back up because it wasn't working for some reason. Anyway, I was thinking that perhaps if there are less than 10 reviews, I'll just PM a few paragraphs of the next chapter to the lovely reviewers. Otherwise I'll get burnt out pretty quickly. So more than 10 reviews = new chapter. Less than 10 = those people get a few paragraph of the next chapter. Kay? And thank you once again to all the luffs who favorited/put this story on alert. 3


	5. Interviews

**Miko:** Okay. So I guess I wasn't clear enough in my author's note in the previous chapter. I did not mean it as a threat. I'm not going to withold updates if you don't review. I'll still update regularly(and quicker than most authors). What I was hoping to do was bribe you into reviewing, not force. I wanted to reward the few who do take time to review. So I'm sorry if you thought I was 'punishing' everyone if X number of people don't review. I honestly didn't mean it that way. So I will no longer do that. Updates will just come every other day regardless of how many reviews. Of course, I may run late on Wednesday because I have to work from 5AM to about 6 or 7 PM. So thank you to all who reviewed the last chapter, and I hope you review this one as well and let me know what you think. Also, I'm very sorry that this one is so late. My mom was on a rampage with cleaning and rearanging the house, then I had to go see my horse, then I had to go with my mother to pick up a futon for my brother, but the truck broke 45 minutes from our house and we had to wait for someone to come pick us up so I only just got back. And als I'm sorry for the tremendously long author's note. (: To make up for it I combined two chapters(I realized that it would be rediculous to break these two up because each would only be about 750 words).

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**Interviews**

"Hello, Light." I said, standing outside Light's cell. The bars on the window were at face height and without a strait jacket on, I was not allowed to go in the room. Light was sitting on his bed, and he looked up from the papers in his hand for a split second before returning his gaze.

"Hello, Ryuzaki." Light said, not looking up from the paper. "This case is fascinating." He waved the paper slightly. "I think the most likely suspect would be the girl, Susanna. Of course, I'm sure you already deduced that yourself. I can't tell without the interview, and perhaps the video, though. Assuming it was videoed. Also, I think we should look into the parents. What do you think?" I frowned, replayed Light's words in my head, and then chuckled.

"What's so funny?" Light looked up, quickly, then back down. His eyes narrowed.

"Kira." I whispered. "You cannot impersonate him. You are too different." I looked around and saw the nurse had left me alone. There were several guards in sight, but none of them were close enough to hear the conversation, so I continued. "How did you take control?"

"They refuse to sedate him, now." Kira said, no longer avoiding eye contact. He stood and I noted the way he moved. Light was charismatic and confident, but Kira was arrogant. He moved lithely and held his head high. "How did you know it was me?"

"I told Light I would give him what he needed. You did not ask for anything, just hinted at what you wanted. Light would have asked outright." I knew there was a chance my observation would help Kira pretend better, but I knew he couldn't fake knowledge he didn't have. One major identifier of dissociative identities was a lack of knowledge when one was in control. Kira had gotten away with it so well because he was brilliant. He even knew that by giving up the note and allowing Light to have full control, he would not be caught because there were things Light couldn't know.

"I do not know why you like him so much. Or why he likes you." Kira said. He did not pace, though I knew he was aggravated. "You should hate us after what we did."

"What you did." I said. "Light is innocent. You are the one who killed all those people." Kira laughed and met my eyes.

"Light created me, L." He said. "You know that. He knows that. He wrote that first name down. Perhaps he did it because he did not believe the result, but he knew there was a chance. So like it or not, your precious Light is a murderer. He is no better than I am. Perhaps he is worse, because he cannot admit what he did. He wants to." Kira began pacing, unable to contain his anger. His eyes never left mine. "He thinks you'll hate him when you find out. He wants your approval. No. It's more than that – he wants your love." Kira sneered. "He doesn't deserve your love, though. He knows that, and you know that. Love is worthless anyway."

I stood in shock. Light-kun loved me? The revelation was shocking, to say the least. There was, of course, the possibility that Kira was lying to me, but that would serve no purpose I could fathom. Unless simply to drive a rift between myself and Light.

"And Light-kun told you all that?" I asked. Kira was no longer pacing. He stood facing me, the similarity between him and Light made me want to turn away, but I wouldn't give Kira the satisfaction of unnerving me.

"We don't talk." Kira said. "But we do know how the other feels about something if the feeling is strong enough."

"Whatever your aim is in divulging Light's secrets, it will not work. I do not care for Light-kun in that way, and I have already known that he killed the first person. Therefore your attempt is useless." Kira snarled at me, contorting Light's face until it was almost unrecognizable.

"I will still see you dead, L." Kira said. "Light _will_ be the one to kill you. And that will break him into so many pieces it will be easy for me to step in. And feel free to warn Light. That will just make the game far more interesting." I could think of nothing to say, so I turned and walk away. The nurse was waiting for me at the end of the hall.

When I arrived back at my house, Wammy had laid out the case videos for me, along with hooking up a television and dvd player. My head was spinning with thoughts of Light, but I pushed them aside to focus on later, after I had reviewed the case.

Susanna's interview was fascinating in a sickening way. She was a beautiful child, with long dark hair and tanned skin. Her eyes were like mirrors, reflecting emotion but not betraying any of her own. In fact, from the interview, no one would even know that she had lost a friend.

The officer was clearly not interested in interviewing anyone. He looked at his fingers for a while, tapping them on the desk. After a few minutes, he decided to talk. "Do you know what happened to Ben?"

"He dead. I saw him lying there. His neck was bruised." Susanna twirled her hair, but she never lost eye contact with the officer. The way she spoke, though. Why had no one delved further? It sounded as if she was having a talk with a friend.

_"_Did anyone have a fight with him when you last saw him?" The officer's face was buried in the script in his hands, so he didn't see the flash of the girl's eyes before she answered.

_"_No sir. Everyone like Ben. He good kid. He ain't like his folks. So we his family." She seemed sincere enough. If she hadn't disliked Ben, why did she kill him? I kept watching.

_"_Are you sure no one was mad at Ben?" I would have fired him. If she was lying, asking outright would solve nothing. He should have gone around about way to get her to admit to something.

_"_N…Well, I mean. Him and George did have a fight a few days afore. George was mad cause Ben didn't want to play. Do you think George could have killed him?" I had to give the girl credit. I wasn't sure yet if she was lying or not, but her sincerity even made me doubt that she could be a suspect.

"I don't know. It would be a very bad thing if he did. Do you think he could?" Stupid. Stupid stupid. I had to make an effort not to get upset at the officer. After all, it was not his fault he had not been trained to interrogate. How many people would that office need to interrogate? It was situated in a remote location, far from any major crimes.

"Nah. George ain't got a mean part of him." I had to rewind to watch it again. She had asked if George may have been the murderer, then said she knew he couldn't be. It made no sense. It looked as if she simply wanted to know if the police suspected George. What would she have said if the man had said yes? Would she have gone along with them, or would she still have admitted he couldn't be a murderer.

"What about Ben's parents?" I had to wonder why he would ask a child that. Susanna shrugged and looked away. The way her lips twitched made me wonder what her home life was like. I would research that later.

"I dunno. They ain't any good. They want to control all Ben's life. Can I see him?" She turned back to look at the officer at the last sentence, her eyes bright. I skipped back and froze on her expression. There was no mistaking the hopeful look.

" See who?"

"Ben. Could I see him?" Now her expression was frustration. She had played innocent well, but surely this should have put the officer's flags up. Clearly not, as his face was still buried in the script; he didn't even look up in surprise.

"No. I don't think that would be a good idea." He didn't even look shocked at her request. Had the other children asked to see Ben? I made a mental note to check it out after I researched about her family. Her expression turned to disappointment, then boredom.

"Oh. Okay. I'm ready to go home now. I don't know nothing else." She flashed him a smile as he looked up for the first time in the interview. He returned it and stood, walking to the door.

"Very well. Thank you, Susanna." And the recording went blank.

I hadn't learned as much from it as I'd hoped, but I now suspected her even more than I had before. She had not seemed upset, despite the fact that a few hours earlier her friend had turned up missing. I reviewed the other tapes quickly. The other children had reacted as was to be expected – fear or sadness. I put my head to my hands and breathed deeply several times to clear my mind. It had been over a week since I had last slept, and I knew that I would have to give in soon, or my mental faculties would begin slowing.

"Would you like your draft now?" Wammy appeared in the door holding a cup of tea. Sleep was a waste of time, and if I took that I knew I would be out for at least twelve hours. On the other hand, I needed to be on the top of my game if I wanted to compete with Kira. Reluctantly, I nodded. Wammy set it down beside me and I glared at it.

I knew it would not taste bad. Wammy had finally discovered the right amount of sugar and honey to add to drown out the flavor of the sleep draft. That didn't mean I had to enjoy it. I drained it quickly and moved to the couch, which was only a few feet away for that particular purpose, with a handful of papers containing information on Susanna's family. It took about five minutes before my eyes began dropping. Out of the corner of my eye, I thought I saw Light – no, it was Kira – watching me. I panicked and tried to resist the urge to sleep, but I lost the fight.


	6. Koibito

**Miko:** So I know its no excuse for the super late update, but I'm like crazy sick. I strongly suspect I have the swine flu, though it started last Wednesday as a cold from working outside in the rain all day. Anyway, if L seems different in this one, he is supposed to. It's from the sleep(it's explained in the story). I can't promise a quick update because I have a 15 page paper I really need to get to work on, and my exams are next Monday. But after that, expect quick updates.

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**Koibito**

The first thing I registered upon waking was someone screaming. Almost instantly I felt how raw my throat was and realized the screaming was coming from me. I shut my mouth and suppressed the scream. I sat up on the couch and put a hand to my head to steady my breathing. I looked around quickly, but the room was empty except for the tray on the table, where Wammy had placed a slice of cake and a note. My eyes skimmed the note quickly, while I consciously relaxed the rest of my body. Wammy was gone for the day – running errands including buying more cakes – and would not return until later. However he had made certain the house was secure before leaving.

When I was certain my panic was gone, I stood and took a few hesitant steps. My legs were still woozy but after a couple cautious steps I was able to fully control them again. My first thoughts were about Light. I had to ask him about Sayu and Misa before I could respond to them, and with any luck I would be able to when I went to visit him. I looked at the clock – it was only just after ten – so I decided to eat the cake and read over the notes on the case one more time before heading out.

After sleeping, everything seemed so much more vibrant. The chocolate seemed to melt in my mouth and I made sure to get every crumb of the cake off the plate before setting it down. Reading the notes, my conviction that Susanna was the murderer became all the more certain, and I knew I needed to interview her myself soon, or have someone I trusted doing the interviewing. No, even feeding someone the questions would not produce the correct results. I wrote a note to Watari to contact the police department and have them bring Susanna in so I could question her. Of course, it would not be my face, but the familiar 'L' logo that I had always hidden behind.

With that conclusion made, I decided to grab a jacket before heading out to see Light. I was in an unusually good mood, and I knew the cold would put a damper on that. For one of the few times in my life, I let myself wonder what my life would have been like if I hadn't become L. I wouldn't know Light. That was the first thought to cross my mind, which made me pause. I couldn't avoid the fact that Light was undeniably a large part of my life now. In fact, losing him would empty a large part of my life. I would not tell him that, but it was reassuring to know that fact about myself. I also knew it would be wise to distance from him, but until it was certain he could not be helped, I refused to do so.

"Good morning, Ryuzaki." The secretary said. For the first time, I noticed what she looked like. Normally I was in such a hurry to get the visit over with I didn't take the time to notice the details, though if needed I could recite every outfit she had worn since I first started visiting. Today she wore a simple silver blouse and black pants. She had obviously overdone her makeup in an attempt to look younger – I placed her at around 47 years – and had dark black mascara and eyeliner and blue and silver eye shadow. Her cheeks were rouged, even though the cold weather could have accomplished the same effect.

"Good morning, Ms. Kimberly." I mumbled. I didn't miss the look of surprise on her face as I spoke to her for the second time. This time, however, I had not been rude about it.

"This way, Ryuzaki." The nurse said. He was a larger man, obviously used to physically restraining the more difficult patients. I realized that I had never asked his name, or even referred to him by any name at all.

"Excuse me." I said. "What is your name?" He looked at me and blinked, as if unsure if I was being serious. I met his confused look with my own and waited for his answer.

"Tony." He said. "Tony Hamilton." I hmmm-ed and nodded and we continued the walk in silence. Light was in his room, and when I came he rushed over to the bars to meet me. I hadn't been expecting the quick movement and took a step back.

"Sorry, Ryuzaki." He said. "I'm sorry for yesterday. I just…I guess I underestimated Kira. But Tony told me that you knew anyway, even though he…he tried to pretend." Light put a hand to his hair and pushed it out of his eyes. He chuckled and gave me a sheepish grin. "It's still so weird to think of myself as two people. I mean, I feel like one person, and…Well, I really can't explain it."

"It is normal for Light-kun to feel confused." I said, stepping closer to the bars. Light took a step back, as if afraid I would hurt him through the bars. "What is wrong?"

"I…I don't want Kira to hurt you. I know he wants to. He hates you…no, it's worse than that – he _loaths_ you. Sometimes…L, sometimes I start to hate you too. Because of him. It's like a poison in my mind." Light did not, as some would, look away from me as he confessed, but kept full eye contact.

"Why are you telling me this?" I asked. Light was very private. He hated being chained to me, and he hated having anyone see him weak, so this uncharacteristic speech confused me.

"Jennie told me I need to be honest. I need to put myself out as much as possible so I don't hold anything in. She believes it's because I had no friends to confide in that I…created Kira." He spoke clearly, and without hesitation.

"It is not wise to divulge all your feelings to anyone." I said. I knew it was the wrong thing to say and I saw Light hesitate. "But Light-kun has nothing to hate me for. I only want to see you healed and able to carry on a somewhat normal life." Light rewarded with me a smile, and I almost smiled back, but got control of my emotions in time that my face expressed nothing. Light, however, laughed. It was such a relief to hear his laugh, and not the maniacal laugh of Kira that I had an even harder time not letting a smile slip.

"What is so funny, Light-kun?" I asked.

"Nothing." Light said. "You slept last night, didn't you?" At my inquisitive glance he composed himself and continued. "You only ever do that half smile after you sleep. You told me sleeping lowers your resistance to emotions, which is why you don't sleep often." I must have looked annoyed because he sobered. "Observation went two ways while we were chained, L. I know you better than anyone else. You really should go to counseling. Dr. Lovell would be glad to help you, I'm sure. It's clear – "

"I have no interest in meeting with Dr. Lovell." I said. "There is nothing wrong with privacy, especially in my position. So please keep your observations to yourself."

"Fine, L." Light said. I knew he was annoyed because he sat on his bed with his back against the wall. He feigned boredom with a drawn out sigh. We remained in silence for several moments before he tilted his head slightly to look at me, auburn hair draping into his honey eyes.

"It's rude to stare, you know." He said, drawing his legs onto the bed. "If you don't have anything to say to me, you can leave." I fumed silently at my dismissal. No one had ever dismissed me before, and I would not allow Light to be the first.

"Have you examined the case I left for you?" I asked. His gaze drifted to the papers he had taped onto the wall, but otherwise he didn't say anything. "And?"

"I can't believe you've spent so long working on this one, L." He said. "It's quite obvious that Susanna is the only one in the group capable of physically overpowering Lauren, the most recent victim. Of course, I believe she had at least one accomplice, who distracted the victim so Susanna could come from behind and get the throat. I don't need pity cases, you know. It's insulting." His observation caught me by surprise I had never considered an accomplice. Unconsciously, I brought my thumb to my lip and bit it while I was thinking.

"What about in the first murder?" I asked.

"Well, Ben, the victim, was 12. Susanna was only 11. Even if she was large for her size, he has genetics on his side. He would be hitting puberty and probably just went through a growth spurt. Therefore, Susanna's accomplice must have been strong enough that the two of them could overpower a larger male. I narrowed them down to those three." His fingers flicked toward three profiles that had been set to the side. I looked at them quickly. The first was a boy named Ken, thirteen at the time of the first murder. The second was a girl, Kimberly, who was Susanna's age. The third was named Greg, 10 at the first murder, and Susanna's brother.

"I believe the most likely accomplice is Kimberly." I said, hoping Light didn't notice my hesitation. I would punish myself for not reaching the same conclusion as him at another time. "She is the closest in age to Susanna, and therefore it is more likely that they formed a bond growing up together. Ken's family had moved away by the time of the second murder, so he could not have helped. And Greg is handicapped."

"That wasn't in his background check." Light said.

"Two years ago he fell from a tree and is paralyzed from the waist down. He also suffered a seizure and is only just regaining the ability to speak, so he could not have distracted Lauren and had time to clear the scene before her body was found. The second victim was only dead for minutes when her body was found."

"So, are you going to interview them?" Light asked. "I assume the local police had no training in interrogation. Could…I mean, I would very much enjoy watching the interrogation if you have no objection to it." I pursed my lips and considered.

"I can record it and let you watch it after. But I'm afraid this facility is not secure enough for me to conduct the interview from." Light nodded, accepting that decision.

"I have one other matter to discuss with Light-kun." I said. I still wasn't sure it was wise to let Light meet with Sayu and Misa, but it would be a wonderful experiment to see how it affected him.

"What?" He said.

"Sayu and Misa contacted me a few days ago." I said. He sat up straight and looked at me intently. "They would like to visit with you."

"Sayu contacted you? Does she know what happened to me?" He tried not to sound worried, but I could see the fear in his eyes. Clearly he cared for his sister at least a fraction of what she cared for him.

"She knows you are Kira, though that is not general knowledge in the public. She does not know about the multiple personalities, however. She seemed quite worried about you." I felt the paper in my pocket and considered giving it to him, but I did not trust him enough.

"Will you let her come?" He asked. "Did she say what it was about?"

"I left the decision up to you. You know your limits far better than I ever could. Misa would be coming as well. I could arrange that she does not, but again, that is up to you." I saw him consider it for a moment before he closed his eyes and nodded.

"I need to explain to her." He said. "I…I used her horribly. It's not something I'm proud of. She is a good girl, and deserves better. I know you don't think much of her." I wasn't aware I had made any outward sign of my disgust, but Light had picked up on something. "But she is intelligent, you know. Not on our level, of course. But she…well, she discovered that I was Kira before you did."

"And how did she do that?" I asked.

"Well, she had a Death Note as well. Only she traded for the Shinigami Eyes, and when she couldn't see my name or time of death, she knew I had to possess a Death Note." The idea of eyes that gave someone the power to see anyone's name gave me chills. I was thankful that Kira loved life too much to trade for the eyes himself. That one trait had saved my life.

"Interesting." I said. "I suppose I will take your word for her intelligence. Her lack of proper spelling and grammar in the letter she sent does nothing to help her case, though."

"She likes taking short cuts." He said. "That's why she models, you know. I asked her about it once. She said school was too much work, and modeling came naturally."

"I still do not like her." I said. I knew it was childish, much like my feelings for Dr. Lovell. It briefly occurred to me that the connection between each was Light's attraction to them. In fact, I did like Misa slightly better knowing that Light was going to end things with her.

"No one asked you to, L." Light said. "In fact, I would wonder what's wrong with you if you did. You also don't like Dr. Lovell, though. Why is that?" The fact that Light had drawn the same conclusion as I had worried me – no one ever knew me well enough to know my thoughts. The only person who could was Wammy, but he did not have the mental capacity to follow my train of thought so I didn't have to worry about him.

"Why do you think I have anything against Dr. Lovell?" I asked. "I am quite pleased with the progress the two of you are making together."

"Okay, Ryuzaki." Light said."Whatever you say." He laughed and I seethed. He had no right to analyze my relationship with anyone. I refused to give him the satisfaction of seeing how upset he had made me. If we hadn't been separated by the metal door, I would simply have kicked him, but that option was not open to me in this situation.

"I'll set up the arrangements for Sayu and Misa. They will most likely arrive tomorrow night and come to visit the following day. I will bring you updates on the case." I turned to leave, and I was only a few steps away when Light shouted after me.

"Ryuzaki!" He was at the window again, so I walked back and looked at him. "I just wanted to…thank you. For visiting me. I don't understand why you bother to come every day but just…thank you. I think it helps keep me...me. And I was thinking about some password that only I know, so you can tell if it's me or Kira in control. So…I'll just call you…"

"Koibito." I said. Light looked surprised, and I explained. "Kira will never think of it. You only need to say it once. And you can whisper if you're afraid of anyone hearing." I said dryly.

"Koibito." He whispered, a faint smile drifting across his lips. I wondered who he thought of as he said it, because he was definitely not looking at me. "I'm not afraid of people hearing it. No one here speaks Japanese anyway. So I doubt anyone will understand."

"Very well, Light-kun." I said. "I must leave, to finish the arrangements for the interviews. I will see you tomorrow." I didn't see Light move back to the bed, so I assumed he watched me walk away. Suddenly, and irrationally, I was seized by the desire to see him again. I shook my head and focused back on the case. That was my true friend – cold hard facts. I could not allow anyone or anything to distract me from my work, not even Light.

* * *

**A/N**: Koibito means "sweetheart" in Japanese. L chose it as a joke, because of what Kira told him in the previous chapter, not because he feels anything for Light(yet). Next chapter will have Sayu and Misa. I hope Light's explanation tells you why I chose to portray Misa as 'dumb' since at least one person complained about that. I know Misa isn't stupid. L knows it to. Light is quite difficult to write. I may write a parallel to this story(at the same time with alternating updates) in Lights point of view, since he is quite fascinating. Though that may be difficult since there isn't much for Light to do. I'm still considering it, anyway. I'll let you know for sure later. Oh, and on a different note, everyone should buy or listen to Adam Lambert's new album. Adam = amazingness.

Anyway, I promise I'll get into the LxLight soon. I can't just jump into it, but you don't have to wait much longer.


	7. Denied

**Miko** - I am SO sorry for the late update. And its SMALL on top of that. Ugh! I had to write a 15 page paper and all my finals. I have to work tomorrow so don't expect an update tomorrow, but I WILL be updating regularly again.

* * *

**Denied**

"Sayu Yagami and Misa Amane will be arriving in three hours. Would you like to meet them at the airport?" Wammy was cleaning the room, though I could not see any mess, his duster was covered in a layer of grey.

"No. Send a car, though. And bring them straight here. I'll meet them after I visit Light." I had been on and off the phone all day with the police department trying to coordinate a time to interview Susanna and Kimberly. Neither family was cooperating, so I was forced to wait until they could either be reasoned with, or forced to comply.

"Very well." Wammy dusted the countertop one last time before leaving the room. Sometimes I wondered at his devotion. He was a millionaire – actually, his fortune was more than that but I refrained from prying into his past life out of respect for what he did for me. "How is he doing?" Wammy had never asked about Light before, but no clarification was needed for who 'he' was.

"He is improving rapidly, as expected. They are pleased with his progress and expect to fully rehabilitate him. It is possible that he will not need medication if they are able to establish Light as the dominant personality." Wammy looked at me in surprise for a moment. I had never been one to talk about anyone who was not a suspect.

"Wonderful." He said, clearly not going to make a big deal out of my sudden desire to talk. "Would you like me to drop you off on my way to the airport?"

"No. I enjoy the walk." I said quickly. I had established my routine and any change in it seemed wrong. "I was just leaving now."

"Good luck, Lawliet." Wammy said. I scowled at his use of my full name, but I knew there was no way there could be a bug in the room so it was harmless. I was going to question him on why I needed luck but he had already left.

I considered grabbing a jacket, but decided against it. The day before it had not protected me from the cold, and merely provided extra bulk. There were dozens of people walking through the streets, and I noticed it was one of the rare sunny days. It was November, so it was still cold, but there was no snow yet. No one acknowledged me as I meandered down the street, hand in pockets. I was just as invisible as I wanted to be.

"Good afternoon, Ryuzaki." I was taken by surprise when I walked in and saw Dr. Lovell standing in the lobby. I could tell by her coat and briefcase that she had just arrived, and was signing in at the desk. I glared at her for a moment before responding.

"Good afternoon." I went up to the desk to get my ID, but the secretary just looked between the two of us without saying anything. "Is there a problem?"

"Light has his appointment with me at this time." Dr. Lovell said, smiling at me smugly. "You can wait. It usually takes about an hour or two. Sometimes a little longer if it's a good day." I grabbed the ID out of the secretary's hand.

"I will see Light first. Just reschedule his appointment."

"He is no longer your ward." Dr. Lovell said. "Just yesterday I pronounced him sane. He can now arrange his own appointments, and you have no say in his treatment."

"Fine." I said. "Then I will simply go and ask Light if he wishes to speak to me first." I turned and started walking to Light's cell. The doctor must have been too shocked at first because it took her a minute to realize what I was doing and run after me.

"You cannot walk through the halls unaccompanied!" She said. I heard her heels clicking as she jogged to catch up with me. I did not adjust my pace at all.

"I am clearly accompanied by you." I said. She followed me, muttering under her breath the entire time. I let myself smile faintly at her obvious annoyance but lack of ability to do anything about it.

"Ryuzaki! What are you doing here?" Light frowned when he saw me. "I have a meeting this morning, koibito." His eyes landed on Dr. Lovell's disheveled appearance and I saw him cover up a smile. "Clearly you already know that, though. So I guess you heard the good news?"

"Good morning, Light." I said. "I would like you to cancel your appointment and schedule it for later." Light frowned. I had not even considered there being a small chance Light would chose the doctor over me. Unless there was more between them then a doctor-patient relationship.

"Well…" I didn't need to look at Dr. Lovell to see her superior smirk. "I…I just really need to talk to Dr. Lovell today. Can you come back later?" Light looked apologetic, but I knew that didn't necessarily mean anything – Light should have been in the acting business.

"No, Light-kun. I will not be able to come back today. In case you forgot, your sister and girlfriend are arriving tonight and need to be under surveillance. Enjoy your meeting." Light may have called something after me but I refused to acknowledge it. My thoughts turned, once again, to my relationship with Light. I should not have been so upset that Light had chosen someone else over me. The only explanation was that I was used to getting whatever I wanted. I had worked hard for my status, and was not used to being put on hold. Yes, that was all.

* * *

**Miko **- Poor L. Light didn't want to talk to him. :( There is a reason for that, and in order to explain it, I will be writing all or most of the next chapter in Light's point of view. And once again, I swear I'll update regularly(and quickly) again.


	8. Missing

**Miko: **Oh. My. God. I'm so sorry, and I promised quick updates before and you had to wait OVER A MONTH. I suck. Seriously suck. I've rewritten this chapter a million times, but I was never happy with what happened. Originally this was going to be from Light's point of view, to explain what's happening with him, but then I decided that would be no fun. But then I had to work 5AM to 5PM 7 days a week until Christmas, and then I got an awful cold and just wanted to die. And then I rewrote this again. And now it's done for a third time, and I'm happy with it. It's a tad longer than a normal chapter, so that's a plus, right? && I'll try to update quickly, but I have an appointment with a GI because I can't swallow anything without a burning feeling in my esophagus. So yeah. But you'll NEVER have to wait a month again. Ugh. xx;

* * *

**Meeting**

"RYUZAKI! WE'RE HERE!" I cringed inwardly when I heard her voice, and instantly regretted the decision to allow Misa to come along with Sayu. I bit back my immediate response, which would have contained an improper amount of sarcasm, and instead rose to meet the model and young girl when they walked in the room.

"Hello, Misa. Sayu." I said. Misa flopped onto the couch with an exaggerated sigh, leaving Sayu standing uncomfortably in the doorframe holding a large bag.

"Misa-misa is tired." The model said. "And Ryuzaki's house is too dark." Misa thrust out her lips in a pout that I ignored. Instead, I turned my gaze to Light's sister.

"Thank you for letting us stay here, Ryuzaki." Sayu said. "We won't be an inconvenience for long, I promise. I…I just really wanted to see Light. He…"

"When do we get to see Light!?" Misa asked, jumping up. "I know he misses Misa very much. He must be so lonely in that cold jail cell. Poor Light! And he didn't even do anything wrong, really." Sayu put a hand on Misa's shoulder and the model shut up.

"We're both exhausted now. So if you don't need us for anything, I think we'd both appreciate a quick nap before dinner." Misa looked ready to protest, but Sayu silenced her with a sharp look.

"Of course." I said. "Your rooms are right over there." I indicated the hall on the west side of the room. "I will send Watari in with your meals. You are required to stay in your room unless you are escorted by me or Watari."

"Sounds fair." Sayu said, silencing the model again. "I'm sure we'll see you later." And with that, Sayu led Misa to the bedrooms. I heard the model mumbling something under her breath and Sayu answered in a gentle tone. I didn't envy Sayu at all.

xxx

The next day, I sat at my desk, but my chair wasn't pointed at my computer, but at the hallway the two girls had disappeared down the day before. I bit my thumb and contemplated my most recent problem – I didn't want to share my time with Light. It was completely irrational, but I valued the time I got with Light, and my pride still stung from being blown off the day before. I knew I couldn't address him about that until his extra visitors were gone, which irked me even more.

"Would you like me to tell the girls it's time to leave?" Wammy appeared beside me and I looked up at him from my chair.

"Yes, please." He must have seen some convulsion in my face that gave away my true feelings, because the side of his lips twisted into a smile, but he didn't say anything and I was glad.

A few moments later, Misa and Sayu walked out of the room, though I could see Misa wanted to go much faster. I kept my face expressionless, which made Misa clench her teeth, but Sayu stood dignified.

"It is not a long walk, but Watari can bring the car around if you so desire." I said. Misa opened her mouth to answer but Sayu answered for them.

"Walking sounds nice." She said. "Doesn't it, Misa-misa?" The model pouted but didn't say anything. From Sayu's satisfied smirk, I wondered if she had chose to walk just to make the model uncomfortable.

We continued in silence until a block away from the hospital. I could tell from Sayu's silence that she was worried about seeing her brother again. I did not want to put her totally at ease, but I began to sympathize with her.

"Light is not the same person he was in Japan. He has been through much since, then. So do not be surprised if he says or does something you aren't expecting." Sayu glanced at me from under her hair and gave me a faint smile. Misa, however, let out a sound of protest.

"My Light couldn't have changed that much. He is still MY Light after all." Misa's possession of Light irked me, but I knew he was going to tell her to leave him alone so I was slightly more willing to ignore her ranting.

"Oh how lovely!" The receoptionis beamed when she saw Sayu and Misa. "Light will be so pleased to see you!" Misa returned the receptionists smile, but Misa was looking around the room frantically.

"Where is Light-kun! This place is ugly. Misa-Misa needs to save her Light!" The receptionist showed no sign she understood Misa's high pitched shouting in Japanese, but Sayu winced at the girl's rudeness.

"I believethere is a room reserved for us to meet with Light?" I raised my eyebrow at her and she smiled cooly.

"Of course. Right through those doors." She indicated a set of doors to the right. "I will send someone to bring Light to you." The girls walked into the room and I followed slowly. We sat in silence for sever moments, waiting for Light. The room looked warm, with dark walls and a large green couch bolted on the wood floor. Several matching chairs were bolted around the room.

"Light." Sayu was the first to see her brother walk through the door and the word slipped through her lips like a prayer. I saw their eyes lock briefly, before Light was knocked back by Misa, who had thrown herself at the teen. I was up quickly, and half way to the teens before I stopped myself. Misa was not hurting Light, I had no right to separate them.

"Light! Misa-Misa missed you! She made Ryuzaki let her see you and now she's going to break you out of this place. It's so awful and dark, not like Misa's Light. He should be back in Japan with Misa." Light silenced the girl with a kiss and I staggered back. Misa went limp, arms still around Light's neck. His arms wrapped around the girl and engulfed her in a hug.

I knew something was wrong when Light's eyes met mine over Misa's shoulder. He looked scared as he mouthed _koibito_. Something clenched in my gut and I wanted to reach out and help the boy, but all too quickly the look of terror was gone, back into his carefully composed mask.

"I did bad things, Misa." Light said in English. "I deserve to be here, but that doesn't mean we have to be apart. You can move to England and visit me every day." Misa just nodded, arms slipping back to her side.

"Of course, Light." She said. "Misa was going to do that anyway. Misa can be famous anywhere!"

"Good Misa." Light placed a kiss on top of her head and smiled at Sayu. "Now let me speak to my sister." Misa moved to the side and Light began walking toward Sayu who made no move. Light held his hands out, and I saw tears shine in his eyes. Right before he got to her, he bowed low, far lower than he should to his little sister.

"Moushiwake arimasen." Light shifted back to his native language, though Sayu was far more fluent in English than Misa. "How can you ever forgive me?"

"You're my brother." Sayu said. "I'll always forgive you. It's good to see you." Light dropped all pretenses at formality and engulfed his sister in a hug. Sayu was shocked for a moment first, but soon wrapped her arms around her brother.

"I missed you, Sayu." Light said.

"I missed you too, oniisan." Sayu said.

Misa and Sayu spoke to Light about what was going on in Japan. Light asked after his father and mother, and expressed mild surprise when he found out Sayu was dating Matsuda. I sat in silence in the corner, contemplating Light's strange behavior. He had told me he was going to break things off with Misa, but clearly that was the last thing on his mind. I pushed aside the feeling of being kicked in the gut when I saw him kiss Misa, and analyzed the reasons he might have had for not telling her off. It was a very slim possibility that Light had feelings for Misa, probably somewhere less than 2%. Then, there was a 10% probability that he didn't want to hurt her feelings. The other 88% pointed to something seriously wrong in Light's mental state. I wondered why he had been allowed to meet with us today if Dr. Lovell had noticed something wrong with him during their previous meeting.

"Is something wrong, Ryuzaki?" Light asked. I only realized then that I had lost the train of their conversation entirely. Misa was sitting beside Light, trying to lean into him, but he carefully avoided her. Sayu sat on a chair across from the couch.

"Of course not, Light." I said. "I am merely thinking about the case. After all, not all of us have time to catch up with our old acquaintances." Light laughed, and was followed by Misa, before continuing the conversation.

Not soon enough, it was time to leave. As we were walking out, Light caught my sleeve and indicated he wanted me to hang behind for a moment. Sayu and Misa stopped in the lobby to wait for me, but my attention was on Light.

"What, Light?" I asked. He looked around the room as if he was being watched before slipping a piece of paper into my hand. I was intrigued.

"Nothing, Ryuzaki." He said. "I just wanted you to know that I cannot thank you enough for helping me."

"Helping you?" I asked.

"See Sayu and Misa, of course." He added quickly, but I knew that wasn't what he was really thanking me for. I slipped the paper into my pocket and shoved my hands in after.

"Of course, Light. I'd do anything for you." I held Light's gaze for one more minute before he turned away and the nurse walked through the door to escort Light back to his room.

"Goodbye, koibito." He whispered.

* * *

_Moushiwake arimasen_ -"I have no excuse"

_Oniisan_ - "big brother"

_koibito - _"sweetheart"

* * *

**Miko: **So, did the chapter kind of make up for the long wait? Stuff's going to start happening now. And I may introduce another antagonist instead of just Kira. (:


	9. Help

**Miko:** -pokes- See? Not a month! Hmm...Light's quite bipolar in this story, isn't he? Of course, he's supposed to be because he's got some serious problems that will all become clear in the next few chapters. But I wont spoil it for you! The only reason this update was so late was because I was supposed to have an endoscopy, which wouldn't have been a problem, but the day before I tripped in a hole and broke my ankle and had to go to the emergency room where they gave me pain killers that made me sleep for like a day and a half. xD But it's all good now.

* * *

**Help Me**

_Ryuzaki,_

_I don'tt need your help. Kira is clearly gone. Not onlly thatt; but I doon't really care about you, aand nnow Misass heere, youu cann foccus onn yourr casse. Please stay safe,_

_Liight _

The message made no sense the first time I read it. Then I noticed the spelling mistakes. Light was meticulous about grammar and spelling, so there must be some code I wasn't getting. Taking out the extra letter gave "tltoanseuncnrs," which held no meaning and was not a scrambled word. I then tried deleting all the misspelled words.

"Ryuzaki, I need your help. Kira is clearly gone. Not. But I really care about you. Please stay safe."

But why had he misspelled his own name? Perhaps he no longer had full control? Maybe Kira was growing stronger, and Raito didn't want me to assume he was who I was speaking to? The possibility made me shudder, and I had a strong desire to run to Light now and take him far away from everything that could hurt him. I blinked in surprise. Perhaps my feelings for Light were deeper than I had anticipated. I pushed them aside and tried to focus on what was best for Light.

Obviously the first thing I should do was get rid of Misa. I could have Watari contact every realtor in the area and pay them off if they agreed not to show a house to Misa. Of course, that was only a temporary solution. Then - and I wasn't sure if this was my emotions or logic speaking – I had to get Light out of the asylum, and to somewhere that I could watch him twenty-four seven. Wammy walked in the room and I turned to face him.

"Wammy, please prepare a room for Light as soon as Misa and Sayu are gone." It showed just how much control Wammy had that he didn't even look surprised. I forced my thoughts away from Light once again and back to the murder case. I had lost interest, and already found the murderers. I drafted a quick email to the police department with all my notes, and set the notes on a desk for Wammy to file.

"Goodbye, Ryuzaki." Sayu and Misa came out of the bedroom and into the living room. Misa was sulking and refused to look at me, but Sayu came forward and smiled at me. "Thank you for letting us visit with Light."

"Please take care of him." She whispered, so quietly Misa couldn't hear. I blinked, wondering how much Sayu understood, and the look in her eye confirmed my fear.

"Of course." I said. "Goodbye." And then they walked out the door.

* * *

"Hello, Light." I walked into his room, and he looked up lifelessly from the bed.

"Koibito." Light said the word without emotion. He pushed himself into a sitting position and faced me. "Thank you for bringing Sayu and Misa yesterday. I really enjoyed seeing them."

"Why did you not tell Misa what you said you were going to?" I cut to the point. Light looked at me with pleading eyes I ignored. "Light-kun needs to tell me the truth."

"Did you ever consider maybe I still care for Misa?" He said through clenched teeth. "And I don't see how it's any of your business anyway." He turned away and I sighed.

"You are coming to live with me, Light." I said, deciding to face that battle another time. "You may argue, but I am fully willing to use whatever force necessary to get you out of here. You are no longer improving, and my house is as secure as a prison. You are leaving this place." That shocked Light out of his moodiness.

"What?" He stood up, fists clenched. "You have no right, Ryuzaki. What if I don't want to be stuck with you forever? Maybe I'd rather just stay in here and go crazy then live with you!" His eyes were pleading with me to listen to him. Whatever was going wrong, he was afraid. I needed to figure out if his fear was for himself or for me.

"Unfortunately, I have permission to hold criminals at my house, as part of my status with the world governments. If you'd like, we can return to Japan, though I will not let you see Misa again as clearly she has not been a positive influence." Light punched me in the gut and I doubled over, but before he could recoil, my foot shot out and connected with his jaw. He was knocked back, but he lunged at me and tackled me to the ground, landing on top of me, face contorted in rage.

"Light-kun does not wish to hurt me." I observed. He could easily wrap his hands around my neck, but he refrained. Instead, he snorted and pushed off of me and walked back against the wall, which he slammed with his fist.

"Don't tell me what I want, L." He said. "You have no idea." I rocked up and stood in one movement, and I walked until I was standing behind Light.

"But I do, Light." I said. "_You_ have no idea how well I know you. And I can help you. You just have to let me." I put my hand on Light's shoulder and he shuddered, but didn't pull away. I felt his body shudder, and I knew he was holding back tears.

"Fine, L." He said. "I'll go back with you. But don't say I didn't warn you. I'm messed up."

"I'm not afraid, Light." I said, trying to convince him. "I'm going to fix you, no matter what it takes. I don't want you to hurt anymore." Light looked at me strangely, as though trying to see through me and I shifted; uncomfortable.

"I'm afraid." He whispered, and the vulnerability behind the words brought a pain to my chest. I fought the urge to hold the boy close to me and comfort him. The moment passed and Light composed his face into a controlled mask.

"I have a car waiting to take you now. You don't need to take anything with you." I indicated the guard watching, one I'd never seen before, could come in now. "You'll have to be restrained, of course. But as long as you go quietly, there's no need for sedation."

"I'm ready." Light held out his hands for the handcuffs, and the guard put them on roughly. When he went to shove Light, I held up my hand and glared at him.

"You may leave." The guard walked out and Light gave me a look of thanks. I walked out the door and he followed. We made it almost to the doors when Dr. Lovell strode up from a hallway, heels clacking.

"Excuse me. Where do you think you're taking my patient?" She laid a hand possessively on Light's shoulder and stopped him from following me. I turned and faced her.

* * *

**A/N: **Kind of cliffhanger-ish? Maybe?


	10. Complete

**MikoPony**: Sorry darlings! I had the week from hell but it's over now. I'll update more, but I hope this chapter will make up for it. It lacks quantity, but it's got quality...sort of? Anyway, enjoy! And remember - Light will be extremely OOC before he gets normal again. He's seriously messed up. How much? You'll find out soon enough. Also, notice the increased rating.

* * *

**Complete**

"Excuse me. Where do you think you're taking my patient?" She laid a hand possessively on Light's shoulder and stopped him from following me. I turned and faced her.

"It's okay." Light answered her before I could. From the look that passed between them, I deduced that the doctor knew what was wrong with Light. The childish part of me felt hurt, but I was determined to figure it out.

"Are you certain?" She asked, concern wrinkling her brow. Perhaps I had misjudged her before – she seemed to genuinely care about Light. The teen smiled but I saw the worry in his eyes. Doctor Lovell didn't see it because her eyes were on me.

"You will have to tell him everything." She said. My eyes found Light's just in time to see him pale. His eyes avoided mine and he swallowed deeply.

"I know. But I don't think I'll get better until I face the problem, which I can't do here." He seemed to regain his composure, because he lifted his hands and showed her the shackles. "Besides, I'm no danger with these, and I'm sure Ryuzaki will keep them on me for quite some time. And he should." Dr. Lovell gave me a strange look but sighed.

"Very well. I will miss working with you, Light. You were my most interesting patient." She smiled at him and directed her attention back to me.

"Ryuzaki, you better know what you're doing. Light is not a case I would recommend leaving at this point in his development. Good luck." With that, she strode away, not even looking back. When she turned a corner and the sound of her heels couldn't be heard, I indicated to Light that we should continue.

We walked in silence to the car Wammy had parked out front, and all through the car ride Light avoided all my questions. I had never understood how such a short time could stretch to hours, but the two minute car ride lasted all day.

"Would Light-kun like to see his room, first?" I asked when we got inside. Light just nodded, and I let out an exaggerated sigh. This wouldn't be easy.

It took a matter of minutes for me to realize I was thoroughly unprepared for Light. I was certain I could deal with his mental state, but already his presence was driving me crazy. He had been out of my sight for a brief twenty minutes and all I could do was stare at his door, wondering what was going on. I turned to the monitors, and saw Light sitting on his bed, mouth moving quickly. I cursed myself for not putting any sound devices in the room. Finally, I couldn't stand it any longer. I strode over to Light's door and reached a hand out to push it open, but it had opened. Both of us had been moving forward quickly, and when we collided, we fell in a tangle of limbs.

"Hello, Light-kun." I was on my back with Light on top of me, propped up on his hands, hovering inches over my face but making no move to get off. I could feel his breath on my face. He looked at me with a strange expression for a moment before pressing his lips to mine lightly. I froze and he pulled back.

Before he could push himself off me, I pressed our lips together roughly and wrapped my hands in his hair. When he pulled apart for a breath, I shifted him so he was under me and he hitched a leg over my hip. I kissed down his cheek to his neck and his breath caught in a moan.

"Stop!" Just as quickly as it started, it stopped. Light was up, halfway across the room with his hand on the wall. His normally perfect hair was disheveled where my fingers had been in them; his pressed clothes ruffled beyond help. He was panting and looking away from me. I stood just as quickly.

"Light-kun…" I took a step towards him but he snarled at me.

"Stay away from me." He said. "Just. Stay. Away." I couldn't keep the hurt from consuming me. Light pressed himself in the furthest corner, as far as he could get from me.

"Please, Light." I inched closer to him and this time he made no move to stop me. "What just happened?"

"We can't, L." Light said, pressing a hand to his head. "We just can't." I ignored the hand he put up to stop me, and he fell against me, gripping my shirt to hold him up. I wrapped my arm around him, and it didn't feel awkward at all. "I'm too messed up."

"I'll help you, Light." I said, enjoying the feel of him against me. I couldn't believe I hadn't realized how right it felt. Of course, the _rightness_ was marred by the sobbing and clinging of the independent boy in front of me. I had to find a way to make him whole again.

"I…L…I…" And he fell into another round of hysterics. I rested my chin on his head and slowly lowered us to the ground so he was sitting on my lap, head resting on my shoulder. We sat like that until his sobs stopped and he was silent. Slowly he pushed himself up and slid away from me before standing on shaky legs. I stood facing him but didn't say anything.

"T…Thank you, L." He said. "I'll see you in the morning." He walked as quickly as he could to the room and shut the door. I looked after him, suddenly feeling empty in a way I had never realized before. I had no intention of sleeping that night.


	11. Normal

**Miko: **Yeah. So here it is. I just sat at my computer for hours to type this up for you, so you better appreciate the length and fluff of it. I don't know if I like it or not, but it's here. I'll aim to update at least once a week, though I may get twice this week. Also, I don't know how much more is left of this story. We may be getting close to a conclusion. Probably four or five chapters is it.

* * *

**Normal**

I had not forgotten the warning note Light had given me, but I couldn't fit it in with what had happened to the boy. Just the thought of him made me want to moan with desire. My feelings for him could no longer be ignored. After so many years of living alone – and wanting to live alone – the one person I could never be with was the one who would capture my attention. I had to force myself to ignore him and focus on his problems, and how to solve them. I could do that.

Light was no longer loosing time to Kira, so everything should be right, yet clearly there was something wrong. Light had told me he was going to leave Misa, and yet when he saw her he didn't. He clearly wasn't his normal self, though, because even Sayu had noticed. My thoughts drifted to Light's younger sister briefly. I considered asking her opinion, but decided against it. She was bright, though not even a torch to Light's brilliance, and knew her brother, but I did not want to burden her with fixing what she did not break. No, Light's problems were mine. Once he was fixed I would let him go home.

"L?" I looked up from the ground and saw Light walking out of his room. He was in a loose shirt and baggy pants, and his hair was disheveled from sleeping. "You should come to bed." I knew he didn't mean it that way, but it sounded like an invitation. My body's reaction was enough to make me shift uncomfortably.

"I am not tired tonight, Light-kun." I said. "I do my best thinking at night." I said, looking directly into his eyes, and not letting my gaze wander when he lifted a hand to his hair, revealing a far too tanned and sculpted stomach.

"You're lying to me, L." He said. "You need sleep just as much as anyone. I may be crazy, but even I know that." He tried to make a joke out of it, but his humor did not make me laugh.

"Light-kun's mental state is not a joke." I said, hoping he would just leave me alone. His presence in the house was too distracting, but having him in the same room as me was torture. Perhaps I was not as strong as I thought.

"I know." He said softly. "And…I think I need….to say…" I waited while he struggled with himself. Finally he sighed. "Nevermind, L. I just…take care of yourself. And…if you lock me in my room, I won't say you shouldn't." With that, he turned and walked back into his room. I considered his words, and decided to do just that. I trusted Light, but if he thought he could be a danger, I would not argue.

As I was walking back to my desk, I remembered Kira's hissed warning: _Light will be the one to kill you. And that will break him into so many pieces it will be easy for me to step in._ I had to ensure that never happened. One more murder, and I doubted Light would ever be able to control Kira. Perhaps…the thought struck me; an epiphany. Kira was simply staying silent. Or…was it possible Light knew? Was Kira hiding in Light's subconscious, whispering lies to the boy that made him cry like a child?

My mind raced in circles from there. I had to confront Light, and Kira. I had to draw the murderer out, and convince Light that HE was the only real person, and Kira needed to die. But I was no psychiatrist. If my assumption was correct, then Dr. Lovell had known, and was trying to treat Light, and her theories weren't working. I needed to come up with something other than the obvious, then. It wasn't until morning that the answer hit me. But it was so hideous that I couldn't even fully form the thought. It would be my last resort, though I was aware I may have no control over the event. And if it happened, I had to be sure of Light.

"Good morning, Wammy." I looked at the man walking in. He was carrying pancakes dripped in syrup and strawberries and a cup of tea. "Would you please wake Light?" While Wammy went to open the teen's door, I ate my pancakes.

"He says he does not feel well." Wammy came out a few minutes later. From his tone, he thought Light was lying, and if it was one of his children at the House, he would have made them get up; instead he left it to me.

"Light-kun." I opened the door Wammy had left unlocked and saw Light lying on his bed, hands on his stomach looking at the ceiling. "Waking up is not optional, Light-kun." I said, standing in the doorway. Light didn't move or acknowledge my presence in any way.

"Light-kun, I will give you one more chance to get up or you will be forced to deal with the consequences." He let out an exaggerated sigh, but didn't move. "Very well." I walked over to the bed and lifted the mattress, dumping Light on the floor.

"L!" He shouted. "Was that really necessary?" I stood up and straightened his clothes – he was already dressed for the day in a black t-shirt and tight jeans. He glared at me from across the bed but made no move toward me. From his amazing self-control, I could tell last night's encounter upset him as much as it had me.

"I could have dumped water on Light-kun's head. I thought dumping you on the ground was preferable." I shrugged.

"Why do I need to get up anyway?" He knelt over and started tugging at the sheets to straighten them. I watched in silence for several moments, trying to come up with a plan for the day. Light and I were not close despite being chained together. During that time we had not spoken much, and when we had it was about the Kira case. If the ending I foresaw was going to happen, I had to get to know Light, and let him know me as I had never let anyone else know me. I knew the danger in it, but saving Light was more important than anything else right now.

"We're going to a park." I said. "And perhaps shopping to get you clothes that fit you." Light blushed at that, and made a point of turning away from me so I couldn't see his face.

"My clothes are just fine, L." He said through gritted teeth. "And you don't have to spend time with me. I'm repulsive. Someone found out I was Kira at the asylum and no one would talk to me. They spit at me and tried to get away from the guards to beat me up. Bet they never told you that, did they?"

"No, they didn't Light." I said. "But there is a difference between us. I know you, Light, are innocent. So Light-kun, would you like to go to the park with me?"

"If you're sure." He said. "I'd like to." Light's constant mood swings were beginning to make sense, assuming they corresponded with Kira speaking to him.

"There is nowhere else I'd rather be today, Light-kun." The genuine sound in my voice surprised even me. Light looked up and blinked before smiling. "So, are we ready to go?"

I'd never been to any park before, beside the small gardens and playground at Wammy's House, but I knew the location of the closest one, and it was close enough to walk to. Despite my knowledge that Light was not a bad person, I insisted on being hand cuffed together. Light groaned about it until I threatened to make the chain even shorter. It was one of the rare days where the sun was out, and Light seemed to enjoy every minute of the walk.

"Let's get ice cream!" I saw a stand selling ice cream in the middle of the park. I pulled on the chain and was met by a brick wall when it got to the end. I turned back to glare at Light, and he was ready for me.

"No way, Ryuzaki." He said. "You can't eat ice cream before lunch. It's almost noon." I looked at him blankly, but he wasn't budging.

"Why can't ice cream be lunch?" I asked. "We can eat cake when we get back home and that will be plenty for lunch." From Light's face I knew that wouldn't happen. I groaned loudly. "Fine, Light. What do you propose we do for lunch?"

"Well…" He said. "I saw a café right around the corner. I was thinking we could eat there, then maybe I'll take you up on your offer of buying me a new wardrobe. And you could use a few new outfits as well." He looked me up and down and I shifted. So far my plan was going horribly, horribly wrong. First he wouldn't let me eat ice cream(I held no hope of ordering ice cream at the 'café') and then I faced hours of shopping. I avoided clothing stores, sending Wammy out to get my clothes when I needed them, and he was horrible at choosing the right size, luckily I didn't mind the oversized clothes.

"Fine." I said. I knew I was pouting like a child as Light dragged me to the café, but I didn't care about my dignity. Light smiled at the waitress who looked at our chain with a look of surprise, but no condemnation, and she seated us and handed us two menu's.

"Light-kun." He ignored me. "Light! Light! Light!" He finally looked up, feigning annoyance but I saw a look of guilt pass over his face briefly.

"Yes, Ryuzaki?" His tone was perfectly level and his eyes sincere and wide. I had been hoping to order at least a piece of pie for desert, but one look at the menu told me that wasn't an option. This 'café' was really a haven for strict vegans. There was nothing on the menu that even sounded eatable.

"Are you trying to kill me? If you are, perhaps I should have left you at that stupid asylum." I hissed at him, trying not to draw attention to us.

"Healthy food won't kill you, _koibito_." He said, emphasizing the word with a smile. "If you want, I'll order for you and if you don't like it, I'll eat ice cream with you after." I wanted to yell at him, but instead I just nodded. When the waitress came to take our order, he asked for two Lentil Bowls, which came quickly. I considered making a face and pushing it away, but it didn't taste as horrible as I expected. I finished it quickly and looked up to see Light laughing at me, his own meal only half eaten.

"It wasn't horrible." I muttered, feeling like a child. Light finished his food and I paid. We left and I headed back towards the park, but Light grabbed my hand and pulled me towards a men's clothing store a few shops down.

"This would look great on you." Light held up a white sweater and dark jeans that looked several sizes smaller than the pants I was wearing. He didn't wait for me to say anything, but tossed it on a pile of clothes for me to try on. He was moving so quickly I didn't have time to form any kind of defense. Before I knew it, he shoved me into a fitting room with a pile of clothes in my hands. I undid the handcuffs and attached it to a chair. I tried on dozens of outfits, and showed each of them to Light, who took all of them, and some were deemed 'worthy' and others were handed back to the ecstatic staff who waited on Light as if he was a prince. In the end, Light dressed me in the white turtleneck and the skinny jeans. I almost didn't recognize myself, but I decided it was a good change. Light went through the same process, and ended up with a pile almost as high as mine.

"Thank you, koibito." Light said. I grimaced as I paid for all the clothes, which cost more than most people make in a year. I knew Wammy wouldn't question me because I had earned millions, but I could see his amused smile already. Playing the part of a patient boyfriend, I smiled at Light over the bags I somehow got stuck carrying.

"Anything for you, Light." I said through gritted teeth. I made a quick call to Wammy who picked up the bags and headed back to my house, leaving me and Light to wander. We made our way to the park, and our hands were entwined as we walked through, ignoring the strange looks we received. Of course, not all looks were disgusted; some were envious. I tried to picture what we looked with – the beautiful auburn haired teen in black walking next to a black haired young man in a contrasting white outfit. It made me feel good to know Light didn't smile back at the boys and girl who winked at him, and that I was the one he wanted to be with.

"Let's dance, Light-kun." I said, grabbing his hands. He laughed and let me spin him in circles. The good weather had turned overcast, but it hadn't started raining. Our dance consisted of spinning in circles holding hands, until we were so dizzy we fell down beside a tree. We lay next to each other until Light scooted closer to me and rested his cheek and one hand on my chest. We stayed like that, panting, until we caught our breath.

"Thank you, L." Light said. I sat up, and pulled Light onto my lap.

"For what?" I asked.

"For letting me forget about everything for the first time in my life. I didn't have to think about making my parents happy or being Kira or anything." He looked up at me and smiled.

"You're welcome." I said after a moment. Our eyes met for a few moments and I longed to reach down and kiss him, and from his eyes I knew he wanted the same thing, but I resisted. Just when I thought I would break, a rain drop landed on Light's cheek and we both looked to the sky. Laughing, I stood up and pulled Light up with me. He didn't let go of my hand and pulled me into a run towards the house. By the time we got back, we were both drenched and laughing. Wammy was waiting for us with towels and clean clothes. I unlocked the handcuffs and we changed quickly. When we got back to the living room, Wammy had laid out tea and two pieces of cake. We ate, laughing and just enjoying each other's company, and when it was gone, we both stood.

"Goodnight, L." Light said. "We should do this again some time." And he went into his room and closed the door before I could respond. I just looked at it and remembered the day. I was more myself than I had ever let myself be before. Even Wammy wouldn't have recognized me; I certainly didn't. Nothing about spending time with Light could be planned, because he somehow broke all my expectations in every way. The rational part of me explained the day as a successful attempt to get Light to like me, so that he could finally break free of Kira, but even that didn't prevent the creeping feeling that I could almost be happy to spend every day like that as long as it was with Light.

"Would you like your draft?" Wammy had a cup of tea laced with a sleeping potion, and I reached out a hand for it but realized I wouldn't need it to sleep.

"No thank you." I said. "I believe I can fall asleep without it tonight." Wammy smiled and left the room. My eyes didn't even drift to the stack of cases waiting for me to pluck one out and agree to work on it. My thoughts didn't turn towards murderers and victims and letters written on a screen. When I lay in my bed, my dreams were of Light, and dancing in the rain and laughing about nothing. For the first time in my life, I knew what it felt like to be normal, and I liked it.

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**A/N:** So what do you think the inevitable conclusion is that L keeps thinking about? Well I can't just tell you! Then there'd be no surprise. And for those of you who care about length, this is over 3k, so I hope it kind of makes up for the last (reallyreally) short chapter. Review?


	12. Successors

**Miko:** What's that? An update? And oh my gosh look at that word count. 3k words two times in a row. Just call me butter cuz I'm on a roll. Okay. So that was lame. I feel like I'm indulging myself with these chapters, because it doesn't seem like there's any relevance to the plot. BUT THERE IS. Mmmkay? It's a surprise. Anyway, I've got at least 6 more chapter's planned.

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**Successors**

When I woke up, the first sound I heard was Light's laugh coming from across the room. I smiled and let the sound wash over me before I realized Light should be locked in his room. I sat up quickly and saw Wammy and Light laughing at the computer desks. As soon as they noticed I was awake, the mood sobered and I didn't catch the joke that had made them laugh.

"I'm sorry, L." Light said, standing and stepping away from my computer. I saw several stacks of my cases lying around the desk, but my eyes were drawn to Light's face, which was worried.

"I let him out, L. It's almost two in the afternoon, and he has been chained to the desk chair all day." Wammy, unlike Light, didn't look apologetic at all.

"And he has had unrestricted access to the computer all morning? Do you have any idea what he could do? All of my government access codes are stored on that computer, behind security, but Light is no idiot." I didn't want to think that all of my personal codes had something to do with Light. Wammy didn't look sorry, but Light's expression had changed to horror. Before he could leave, I turned to him.

"I trust you, Light." Just saying the words was hard, but not as difficult as I had expected.

"That's not what it sounds like." He said, glaring at me. "Sometimes I wonder why you bother with me at all. Because no matter how hard I try, you always find an excuse to…"

"Has it ever occurred to Light-kun that I have never had a friend before?" Wammy had left the room. As much as I relied on my guardian, I did not enjoy discussing anything personal with him.

"That's not possible." He said, crossing his arms over his chest. "Surely you went to school? Didn't your parents…" My expression must have betrayed something because he stopped talking. "You're not…?" From his expression he was putting two things together, which meant he had seen the case file.

"An orphan?" The word held no negative connotation in my head. My parents had gone missing when I was five. "Yes. Wammy raised me, not far from here. The House now has over two dozen of the brightest children protégé from around the world. However when he inherited me, there were no others." I refused to delve too deeply into my past, and I knew Light had unanswered questions, so I changed the subject. "Would you like to meet them?"

"The children?" He asked. "I…Well, I guess so." His confusion was clear on his face and I laughed. "I'll go get dressed." While he went to his room to change – though I thought the sweatpants and t-shirt was a fine outfit – I dug through the pile of clothes I had collected the day before. I chose a red sweater and dark jeans and put them on. No need to let the thousand or so dollars go to waste. I sat at my computer and waited for Light. I accessed my emails, and saw "L" had sent over a dozen that morning. Reading through them, I realized Light had taken my waiting cases and started working on them one by one. He had evidently studied my writing well enough to be able to mimic it exactly. All of the emails he sent had my tone, and I couldn't find any fault in the logic he employed.

"I was bored." I hadn't heard him come out but when I turned around I couldn't help but stare for a minute. He was wearing a light blue sweater and white pants. Around his neck was an olive green scarf. None of the clothing was tight enough to show anything, but it was tight enough that not much was left to the imagination.

"Do my clothes fit better?" He asked, laughing and running a hand through his hair. I grunted in reply and turned back to the computer, embarrassed that I had been caught staring.

"Were any cases challenging?" I asked, motioning the larger stack of case files. In the hours I had been asleep he'd knocked off nearly two dozen cases.

"Not really." He said. I saw one case separated to the side and realized he knew more than he was letting on. The date 1984, was written on the side of the manila folder. It was my case – the only one I hadn't solved. I noticed he pointedly looked away from the single case. "I thought I would help you by responding to the basic ones. I can explain them all if you wish."

"That's not necessary." I said. "You have a gift for this line of work." I stood from the desk and reached for Light's hand. He placed his in mine without hesitation and we left the house.

"Do you visit the orphanage often?" He asked as we walked along the sidewalk. Neither of us said anything about the lack of handcuffs.

"Not anymore. I simply have nothing in common with the children there." I thought of the top three students with a grimace.

"Then why are we going now? Why do you ever go?"

"Someday I will die, but the world needs L." The facts had never been anything but black and white to me. Now, the thought of dying wasn't as easily acceptable. Before, all that mattered was that my name would go on. Now I wanted my life to go on with me living it.

"So one of the children will become…you?" He asked. "That doesn't seem to make sense. Who would want to do that?"

"You'd be surprised." I mumbled. He laughed. "You'll meet them. Near and Mello. Neither of them are suited to my life, as you will no doubt deduce after five minutes with them. The only promising one, Matt, has no desire. Of course, that is what makes him the most suited."

"Like Plato's philosopher-king?" He asked. "The only person fit to be a ruler is one wise enough to not want it."

"Precisely." I said. "Unfortunately, 'L' is not a title that can be taken by someone unwilling. He has to have the desire to bring justice." I felt Light withdraw slightly at that word so I quickly changed the subject. "We're here." Light looked at the huge iron gate and the wide expanse of lawn beyond it to the mansion standing on the top of a hill.

"You grew up here?" He asked, clearly in awe. I shrugged and entered a ten digit keycode into a pad next to the gate. "Wammy inherited his wealth from his father who owned a large company and sold it. Unfortunately, he died several months later from a heart attack," Light tensed again and I wanted to reassure him, but I didn't know what to say, "Leaving a 24 year old son with just over twenty-five million dollars. Strategic investing and some black market dealing and in ten years, he had worked his way to two billion dollars. That is also when he adopted me."

"So you inherited that?" He asked, looking at the landscaping in front of the house. Wammy had always been fond of roses, and had invested thousands of dollars in all variety of them. The effect was impressive.

"No." I said. "I have access to it should I need it, but I have a steady stream of income from most major governments around the world. I would estimate I make an average of $50million a year for the last ten years. Of course, now that the Kira case is over, I believe Wammy is working on rewriting the contracts. I don't bother with such things. I have what I need." Light's shock lasted until we walked in the door, when he was knocked out of it by a dozen children waiting to greet me.

"Hello." I said. Several asked me questions, but my attention was on the three standing in the back of the room – a white haired boy, shorter than the blonde and redhead next to him. "I would like to speak with Mello and Near." And just like that the others dispersed through the house in an instant, leaving only the three in the back of the room. It never failed that when I asked for Mello, Matt was tagging along at his heels.

"Hello, L." Mello said. The blonde was addressing me, but his eyes were clearly on Light who shifted uncomfortably beside me. Near's gaze was also on Light. Matt alone had not looked up from a video game to gawk at the guest I had brought.

"Is this him?" Near asked. "Light Yagami?"

"What the fuck are you doing with HIM, L?" Mello burst out. "And where the fuck are his handcuffs?" The look of interest turned into one of horror and dislike. I shifted closer to Light, who I knew wanted nothing more than to leave. I glared at Mello and Near and they both fell silent.

"You do not have the authority to question me. Either of you." I said. "Light is my guest; he will be treated as such. I expected better from the two of you. Perhaps the scale here is set up wrong." Near twirled a lock of his hair and Mello fumed silently, muttering something under his breath.

"Mello thinks you've 'lost your fucking mind.' Or did you say he's 'out of his fucking mind?'" Matt closed the game and crossed his arms over his chest. He ignored the blonde's glare and looked at Light. "Hey." He flicked his head at Light. "I'm Matt. The leather wearing blonde is Mello, the freaky albino kid is Near. And you're Light. I've heard a lot about you." Light smiled in response and focused only on Matt.

"None of it good I'm sure." He said. Matt pulled out a cigarette and offered it to Light who declined.

"And obviously not all of it true." He added. "You don't look like a psycho murderer." He elbowed the still-fuming blonde. "Does he Mel?" Mello hissed his response to Matt, but not loud enough for anyone to hear. "In fact, Near, he looks pretty normal. Guess you were wrong after all."

I watched the exchange with fascination. Matt never ceased to amaze me, the way he could manage to out maneuver the top two students. I had never understood why he was ranked third. Mello was refusing to speak at all anymore, and clearly Matt knew the fine line he walked, because he went and put a hand around Mello's shoulder. He whispered something in Mello's ear that got the blonde to smirk.

"I simply stated what he was. I never claimed he looked anything but ordinary." Near's expression was bored as he looked at Light. I felt bad for the teen next to me – Near's stare could be intimidating.

"If you did in fact keep up to date on the Kira case, you know that it is not as simple as that. I have no desire to delve into the details of his diagnosis, but Light is innocent of the crimes. There will be no speculation or arguments about this." In a way I still couldn't comprehend, my word was law with my two successors.

"Come on, Light." Matt stepped forward again. "It looks like number one and two want alone time with the detective. I'll give you a tour of the school." He looked at me briefly as if daring me to stop him, but I just smiled. Before they left the room, Light looked back at me and I smiled to reassure him; Matt would not do anything to hurt him. I was left alone with Mello and Near, my least favorite people.

"So are you sleeping with him? Is that it?" Mello asked as soon as Matt and Light left the room.

"Are you sleeping with Matt?" Near retorted. "Of course L is sleeping with him."

"Fuck off, Near." Mello said, glaring at the albino. I just stood in silence, taken by surprise at their direct attack. For a moment I thought to be defensive, then I remembered who I was.

"Who I am or am not sleeping with is no concern of yours." I said. "It has no impact on your studies." Mello opened his mouth to argue, but Near was quicker.

"So you are able to solve cases at the same rate, and devote your time to your pet project? I noticed since the Kira case you have taken only one minor local case. A child murder? If you continue, you are going to make the title of L a laughing matter before I inherit it." Near's accusations didn't faze me in the least, but the attracted the fury of Mello, who went on for a few minutes about how Near had NOT been chosen as the next L, and it was perfectly possible that _he_ would acquire the title. I let them discuss me as if I was not there, and considered slipping out to find Light.

"I never said that the next L had to come from here." I said, moments before Matt and L walked back into the room. Their reappearance silenced the two candidates, though I sensed fury emanating from Mello still.

"Hey Matt, where's the bathroom?" Light asked. Matt pointed him in the right direction, and he cast one glance at me before leaving.

"I'd like to talk to Matt alone now. Goodbye, Near. Mello." Mello and Near left the room without an argument, much to my surprise. I was L, but somehow that never stopped Mello and Near from protesting everything I said.

"He's good, L." Matt said. "But…there's just something about him that seems a little off." Matt frowned. "I don't think he's bad just…broken." Matt's intuitiveness impressed me yet again, and I found myself considering naming him the next L then and there, but I wouldn't thrust the title on someone who had no desire for it.

"Light did not escape the Kira case unscathed either." I said. "He is, perhaps, the one who suffered the most from the ordeal." I would let Matt consider that as he would, and knew it was only a matter of time before he figured it out – if he even bothered to try.

"All I can say is, be careful, L. With him and yourself." Light walked back in the room and walked to my side.

"Thank you for the tour, Matt." He said.

"Any time, Light." Matt said. "Now, I've got a very angry boyfriend to cheer up. See you later, L." Matt flipped open his gameboy as he walked out of the room.

"Did you enjoy the tour, Light?" I asked.

"This place is huge. I can't believe you grew up here." He said as we began walking out.

"And what did you think of my successors?" I asked.

"Oh. I can see what you mean about neither of them being suited for it. Near lacks any social skills, and Mello, well, he kind of scared me." Light laughed. "And Matt…well, he just doesn't want it. I liked him, though. He was honest. But in a good way. How were you? I felt bad for leaving you to the sharks, but I have to say I was glad to leave."

"It would have been nice to have you there, but I am alive." We left the House and were walking on the street.

"I understand why you don't stay there all the time, though. I wouldn't want to be stuck with those people, either." Light reached over and entwined his fingers in mine. I tried to just enjoy it, but Near's taunts kept repeating in my head. Perhaps spending time with Light would affect L. Should I retire and choose my successor now. The idea was appealing – I could live the rest of my life with Light – but I couldn't reconcile myself to the idea. A life without purpose was a waste. I was fairly certain Light felt the same way, but the Light now was far different from the one before the Kira case. I would worry about the future after Light was fixed, provided there was a future.

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**Miko:** Up next: Light and L are baking a cake! What could possibly go wrong?

Also, expect more with the Wammy boys. In case my other stories aren't an indication, I flipping love Matt.

Oh yeah. As of last chapter, this is my most reviewed story every! I love you guys. ♥


	13. Movie Night

**Miko:** Well, this took a really long time because of a lot of real life issues. Hopefully everything is sorted out now and I can get back to updating regularly.

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**Movie Night**

"I'm bored, L." Light said for what seemed like the hundredth time since we returned back to the house.

"What would Light-kun like to do?" I asked, looking over at him. In the time we had been gone, Wammy set up a computer for Light, and at first that had kept the teen occupied. Now, however, Light had his head balanced on one hand, looking rather pointedly at me.

"I don't know." Light said. "But I'm so tired of silence. It…I just don't like it." I had never stopped to consider how isolated the normally charismatic Light would have felt in the asylum. Unlike me, people like Light thrived on social interaction. I frowned, still not certain what he expected me to do about it.

"It is nearly midnight, Light-kun." I said. "Nothing is open. I do not see that there is much of an option."

"Well…why don't we make a cake?" He asked, sitting up.

"I do not know how to bake." I said. He looked shocked, so I explained. "Wammy bakes the cakes for me. I am too busy."

"You mean…For all the cake you eat, you've never made one?" He said it as if it was ridiculous.

"Why would I waste my time, when I can be doing something productive?"

"Well, are you being productive now?" He stood up and put his head next to mine to stare at my computer screen. I couldn't open a document quick enough to cover the fact I had been staring at a blank screen for the past three hours, trying to figure out what to do with Light. "Good. Let's bake a cake." He grabbed my hand and pulled me up so quickly I had no time to argue. I mumbled something as I followed him to the kitchen.

"I don't know if we even have anything to bake with." I said. Light didn't answer. He swept around the kitchen as if he'd lived there his whole life. A pile of ingredients appeared in front of me, followed by a dozen bowls and kitchen implements that looked vaguely like weapons.

"Don't just stand there, L!" Light said. He tossed me a box of cocoa and a measuring cup. "Put one cup of the cocoa and two cups of water in a bowl." He set about mixing other ingredients, not even giving me a chance to argue. I did as he said, wondering briefly what kind of cake he was going to make. Obviously something to do with chocolate, but I found that taste by itself was rather bland.

I finished my part of the cake, and he whisked it away from me. He added it to a large bowl he was mixing in. I glanced around for some recipe book hidden from me, but I couldn't find one anywhere. Light must have seen what I was looking for because he laughed at me.

"I'm not using a recipe." He said, waving his hand. The spoon in his hand had batter on it that splattered all over my face with his hand gesture. For a moment, he looked panicked, but then he laughed. My own face was frozen in place, but at Light's laugh, I reached a finger up and brought the batter to my lips. It tasted…good. I told Light so and he started laughing again. "Of course it does."

"Where did Light-kun learn how to cook?" I asked, licking my fingers to get the last of the batter off. Light was furiously stirring the goo again and I leaned on the counter, watching his movements as if fascinated.

"I was bored. Took a few classes." He was lying through his teeth and I knew it. I didn't want to press him, but I found myself honestly curious about why he needed to lie about something so simple.

"Light-kun should not lie to me." I said simply, looking at him. He froze in mid-stir for a moment before throwing himself into the task. I waited in silence for a moment. I knew he had heard me, but it didn't seem like he was going to answer.

"My mother taught me." He said after the longer-than-necessary pause. Nothing I could think of would be a reason for him to lie about that. Then, I realized that there might not be some secrete motive this time. Light was still a nineteen year old boy who had never spent a long time away from home.

"Would you like to take a trip to Japan?" I asked, shrugging. "I have a few loose ends that I need to tie up, and while I would normally send Wammy, I'm beginning to miss it. Perhaps I'll buy a house there." I flicked my eyes up to gauge his reaction.

"Well, if you're going." His voice didn't betray the flicker of longing that passed across his face and I smiled that for once I figured out what he was thinking.

"Fine. I'll have Wammy set everything up." I didn't envy him the headache he would have trying to explain to the governments that 'Kira' was going to be crossing borders. I was confident that whatever it took, Wammy would solve this problem just as he had solved all the others in the past. "And while we're there, you can help me pick out a house."

"If you'd like." He feigned non-interest, but I was past buying into Light's shows. I could almost see his brain processing all of the neighborhoods and their pros and cons.

Then I realized what I was doing and I tried to rein in my desire to make Light happy. Just because I had made this mess from my sloppy work, and because there was undeniably something happening between the two of us didn't mean I could ignore reason just to make one criminal happy. Despite what I wanted to believe, Light still was a criminal. He had killed people. But for once I didn't want to listen to reason. I knew it was selfish, and I didn't care.

"Of course, I don't think we'll be able to visit your family, unless you can promise there won't be any more incidents like with Misa and Sayu." Light had put the cake in the oven and was putting away the mess we had made. He looked up with a slightly amused expression.

"Well, my word isn't worth much, but I can promise that I won't do that again." He visibly shivered. "I'm not sure what came over me, then. I think it must have been some…I don't know. Seeing Misa again brought out the worst in me. Quite literally." His humor was dry and I just blinked at him. He ducked his head again. "Please, at least let me see my family again. If…if they even want to see me." He added.

"I will have Wammy get in contact with them." I said, giving him what I hoped was a supportive smile.

"What do we do now?" I asked. The cake was in the oven and there was no evidence of the mess that had been there moments before except an intoxicating smell coming from the oven. I wondered how long it would be until the thing was ready to eat.

"Well, we have almost an hour until the cake is done. So I suppose we could go back to work." Light didn't sound pleased by the idea, and I had to admit that I wasn't really excited about the prospect of staring at the computer screen again. "Or…maybe we could watch television or something. You do have a TV, right?"

"Of course I do." I said. I hadn't used it frequently. Sometimes I turned the news on in the hopes that there would be some case that I could solve just to prove to myself that I was still the best. I always was. "But what do you mean by watching television? The news? If there was anything important Wammy would have informed us."

"Not the news." Light said, laughing. I couldn't see what he found funny but I let him lead me into the living room and onto the couch. I sat down as far from Raito as possible, pulling my legs to my chest to discourage him more. He hesitated, as if he wanted to slide closer but finally he settled for grabbing the remote and turning on the television. "Let's watch a movie. Have you ever seen 'The Ring'?"

"Why would I watch a movie about a ring?" I asked. The look Light gave me made me feel as if I was missing something obvious again. He didn't answer as he put the movie in – presumably he had brought it with him – and returned to his seat far away from me.

I found out what his strange look meant quickly. I also concluded that movies such as this had contributed to his becoming Kira. No sane person could watch something like that without flinching. I stole glances over at Light every few minutes and soon I could tell when something was going to happen because his jaw would clench and he would take a sharp breath through his nose. I refused to seem afraid so otherwise I kept my eyes glued to the screen and tried to keep my expression neutral. When the timer went off in the kitchen neither of us hesitated in jumping up to get it.

"No, L." Light said. "You wait here. I'll bring the cake in a minute. I don't want you to miss this part." If I hadn't already known he was Kira there would have been no doubt in my mind after that experience. Only a mass murderer would make someone sit through that movie. Fifteen minutes passed and I began to doubt that Light was going to return at all. Finally, he came carrying two pieces of cake. That was enough to distract me from the movie.

"Light-kun?" I asked, taking my plate gingerly.

"Yes, L?" Light asked innocently, as if he couldn't see my pointed gaze on his hands.

"What are you doing, Light-kun?" I asked.

"Eating cake." He said as if it was the most normal thing in the world. He turned back to the television and the conversation was over. I ate my slice in silence and thankfully the chocolate and strawberries distracted me from whatever horror the demon in the television had in store for the rest of the movie. I was ready to smash in the TV when the credits rolled. I let out a sigh of relief that even Light couldn't have missed.

"So, what did you think?" He asked, taking my empty plate and his own. Before he could get up, though, Wammy was there and taking them to the kitchen.

"Light-kun is no longer allowed to pick the movies." I said, licking my fingers to get ever drop of chocolate off them. "Clearly you are not sane."

"Oh, come on. That's baby stuff. You should see some real horror movies." He seemed to be enjoying my pain, but I let him help me stand up. We continued our conversation as we walked back towards his room. I kept my hands in my pocket, hunched over.

"I believed I will pass on that experience." I said. "Next time try to choose something less creepy."

"So there will be a next time?" Light asked, leaning close to me. We were standing outside his door now. I was all too aware of how close the teen was to me and unconsciously I leaned towards him as well.

"I believe there will be." I said, whispering. Light didn't say anything for a moment. Then he opened his mouth and closed it quickly. He leaned closer and I pulled away, taking a step back. He didn't bother to hide the disappointment in his eyes that I moved away.

"Good night, Light-kun." I said. He turned to open his door but I grabbed his shoulder and spun him around, pressing our lips together softly for a brief moment. Before he had time to recover, I was gone, heading towards my own room with a smile on my face. It was a dangerous game I was playing, but just this once the risk might be worth the reward.


	14. Justice

**Miko:** I know this is super short, but I've been really busy so I wanted to get something up for you guys. I'll try to upload the other half tomorrow or the next day. I fell off my horse today and possibly fractured something. And I'm going to a show tomorrow. It's my first Novice event, so it's gonna suck with all my lovely bruises. xD Anyway, I'll remove this chapter and post it again with the full thing when I finish it.

* * *

**Justice**

I had no intention of going to sleep any time soon. Since Light had come back into my life, I'd been on an almost regular sleeping pattern, if you considered spending half of your life unconscious 'regular.' It was amazing how unproductive it was to spend so much time asleep. I couldn't fathom why the majority of people did so.

So instead of turning to go into my room, I headed to Wammy's suite on the south side of the house. Most of the time I called him to come to me, but it was a large favor I had to ask of him, and I needed him to be in the best mood possible. Not that he would ever disagree or argue with me. I found my old mentor sitting in front of the television eating a bowl of soup that even I thought smelled decent.

"I hope you're being careful, L." Wammy said before I even took a step inside the door. I'd thought I was being quite but clearly Wammy was still a step ahead of me. He usually was.

"I do not know what you're talking about, Wammy." I said, sitting in a chair situated facing the couch Wammy was sitting on. I pulled my knees up and put my feet on the edge of the chair so I was perched in my regular position.

"Don't play dumb. We both know exactly what I mean." He picked up the remote and with a click the television turned off. He turned his full attention to me and I felt like a child again.

"I won't tell you I know what I'm doing," I admitted grudgingly. "But there is a fairly high chance that this will work out as I planned. And I believe that it is worth the risk." I hated how he could make me feel so young even after all the years we had been together. The feeling was just like when he took me in at the age of seven; a child who no one else could love because of his inability to handle the outside world.

"But why are you doing it?" He asked. "I know that you think it is your fault what happened to him, but it isn't. He did this to himself."

"I know that." I said, frustrated. "I have my reasons."

"Just take care of yourself." Wammy had never looked older to me than at that minute. "You're the closest thing I have to a son. I couldn't bear it if anything happened to you." I was touched by the sentiment but I couldn't think of anything to say in return. Obviously he wasn't my father, but that was a compliment. What I remembered of my father was not something that anyone would want to emulate. My silence seemed to be enough for him, because he sighed and turned away from me with a content smile on his face.

"So why are you here, L?" He asked.

"I need you to do something for me." I admitted after an uncomfortable silence. "I believe it would be beneficial if Light-kun were taken to Japan. He seems to have reached the limits of his recovery here." At least, his recovery in England, away from where the incidents took place, were too slow for my timetable.

"Of course." Wammy reached to the table beside where he was sitting and pulled off two passports and tickets. "They're open tickets. And Light will be going as Masato Mori." His lips twisted in a wry smile. He had taken liberties on the first name, but I wouldn't argue with him.

"'Justice.'" I said simply. "I suppose it is fitting." I took the offered papers, which included an I.D. card for 'Masato Mori' and the passports. "Thank you, Wammy. We will leave in two days."


	15. Mixed Signals

**Miko**: So...I have no excuse. I mean, I have a lot of excuses, but I'm tired of making them. I'll share them with you in case you care. So the weekend after my show(which I fell off the day before), I fell off again, and this time I broke my ankle. Sat in the hospital all day, then the next day I was at an orthopedic specialist who said I needed surgery. Two days later I was in surgery. Then I was on meds so strong I couldn't see the computer screen for two weeks, and then I started school and had to try to crutch around a college campus which left me exhausted. Anyway, in two days I have my follow up appointment, and hopefully I'll be able to walk again. But anyway, that's been my life the past six weeks. And the irony is I've had this chapter done since before I broke my ankle.

* * *

**Mixed Signals**

"Are you sure?" Light looked at the passports and tickets I held in my hand. He had been silent for the better part of five minutes and I was beginning to worry about his mental state. His eyes flicked up to meet mine and he didn't bother to hide the longing in them.

"I would not offer if I did not intend to follow through, Light-kun." I said, trying to be patient with the younger man. His hand twitched at his side and I moved my own hand closer to him, indicating he could take them and look at them. His hands were steady as he took the passports and opened them. A wry smile tilted his lips when he read his new name.

"I guess it's fitting." He said, handing them back to me. "But in the description, it says I have black hair – " My pointed gaze alerted him to what he was saying.

"You can't be serious." He backed up, reaching to his head as if he could protect his hair. "I won't do it. I will not mess up my hair."

"Light-kun. You do realize that you sound like a girl, don't you?" It was amusing to see Light act like a teenager. He was usually so unusually mature. This was the first time – barring that horrible moment that everything changed – where I'd seen Light actually act upset.

"I don't care, L." He said. "There's no way you're going to dye my hair. That would be like…Chopping off your hand." I raised my eyebrow at that.

"Aren't you being melodramatic?" I asked. "There is no correlation between the loss of a limb and changing the color of your hair. One involves physical pain and discomfort and the other is like coloring a picture."

"Maybe not to you, but it is physically painful to me. I won't do it." He crossed his arms and I tried to hide a smile. Childish Light was rather cute.

"So does Light not want to go to Japan?" I pretended to be tired of his arguing. I set the papers down on the desk.

"I want to go but…Isn't there another way? I could wear a wig or…anything would be better."

"Light-kun. Kira is a murderer. You ar-were Kira. If anyone who knew you recognized you, it could compromise our trip." I left out the part that I had withheld Kira's picture from the papers. As indisposed as he was at the time, there was no way Light could know that.

"You're an evil genius, L." Light said, storming away and slamming his door without another word to me.

I couldn't stop the wry smile from changing my features, but it caught me off guard. Light's presence in my life was changing things in ways I had not foreseen. But if I had anticipated it, would I have done anything differently? I didn't think so. I tried to remember what it was like before, but it seemed that all my memories contained Light. Before him, my days were an endless drone of the same thing over and over and over. No individual days stood out.

I was sitting at my desk trying to remember the past, when Light came storming out of his room to stand in front of me. He was trying his best to glare at me, but even though that I knew he was excited about going to see his family. I just hoped he would never learn that dying his hair had no purpose other than for me to mess with him.

"Go ahead, L. We may as well get this over with." No need to ask what his thoughts were about it. "I'm assuming you're going to do it? We wouldn't want to go out in public and have witnesses to the crime, would we?" It was sarcasm, but I wasn't going to fall for his attempt to lighten the situation.

"Of course not. I have all the supplies we need here, and I believe it will be quite simple." I led Light to the bathroom and sat him on a chair. I opened the instructions and took the gloves from them before throwing them out. I didn't need to see how to do this. I was L. I could solve any problem.

"You know what you're doing, don't you?" He asked. "I mean, my hair isn't going to fall out or something, right?" He betrayed his nerves by talking quickly.

"I am L." I said. "I always know what I'm doing." I put the gloves on and looked at the two bottles on the counter. I unscrewed the lid from both and poured them on Light's head. Hesitantly, I touched his hair and started to massage the goo through them. It didn't look black to me, but I assumed that was normal. I heard Light whimper, but I decided not to comment. When the goo was evenly spread, I took a step back to admire my handiwork. It was starting to turn darker, but it still wasn't black. I was beginning to wish I had read the instructions. Or that they weren't at the bottom of the trash can under the bottles of dye.

"Is it supposed to itch?" He asked, reaching a hand to his head but stopping before he touched his hair. "Is it?"

"I…guess." I said. I was aware how stupid that sounded seconds after it left my lips but I couldn't take it back. Apparently Light wasn't worried about how it sounded, but the meaning behind it.

"You guess? You did read the instructions, didn't you?" His shoulders were shaking, and I knew he was upset. "Please tell me you read the instructions!"

"Calm down, Light-kun." I said, taking a quick step so that I was out of his reach. "Or there is serious danger of your head exploding."

"So now my head is going to spontaneously combust? What the hell is in this stuff?" If I wasn't terrified I might have found it amusing, but all I was worried about now was not further angering Light. Unfortunately, my mouth often talks before my brain rationalizes, especially around Light.

"It was a figure of speech." I said. "Obviously your head won't catch on fire. Although your hair might fall out." I'd meant to whisper the last, but Light's extrasensory hearing picked it up and he spun around to face me.

"Get this out of my head right now!" He stomped his foot, and I couldn't stop the laughter. "What's so damn funny, Ryuzaki?" He'd only called me that when he was mad, or when he was humoring me. I supposed it was too much to hope for the latter at this point.

"Nothing, Light-kun." I said, biting my lower lip. "Just…get in the shower and rinse it until the water runs clear. I'll wait outside." And with that, I made a graceful departure from the bathroom, slumping on the bed. Now all I had to do was wait. It was only five minutes less than the recommended 30 minute wait time, so his hair wouldn't be the same color, though I wasn't sure how it would be affected.

I listened until the shower turned off, and then waited for Light-kun to come outside. Several minutes passed before I started to get worried. Deciding I should make sure he hadn't tried to hang himself with his towel, I knocked on the door. Waited. Knocked again.

"Go away!" He shouted, though I thought I heard the end of a sob.

"Is Light-kun crying?" I asked hesitantly, pushing the door open. He was sitting on the floor with his head in his hands.

"I can't believe I let you ruin me." He said. "It's going to take years to get my hair back." I didn't say anything, looking at Light sitting on the ground.

"I like your hair like this." I said suddenly. He looked different, and yes, he had been beautiful before, but the darker hair made him look dangerous, which I suddenly realized he was.

"What?" He was shocked out of his sobs and he looked at me as if trying to see through my lie. For once I wasn't, though.

"It makes you look…better." I finished lamely, kneeling beside him. I fell back when he threw his arms around my neck, and he fell on top of me. Somehow his towel had gotten hooked and had slid off. We both realized he was lying completely exposed on top of me at the same time, and he moved to get off me, turning red and mumbling an apology but I grabbed his arm and stopped him, bringing our lips together.

This time there was no gentleness and neither of us wanted to surrender. He pressed my shoulders into the ground, and I entwined my fingers in his hair, keeping him locked to me. When he pulled up to breath, I took advantage of it to flip him under me, straddling his legs with mine and holding his arms pinned to his side. I leaned toward him, grazing his ear with my teeth and he shivered.

"Gods, L." He moaned, bucking his hips and struggling against my grip. I looked in his eyes, and what I saw was as affective as a cold shower at cooling my lust. His eyes were narrowed and calculating, and his lips were pursed. The change lasted for only a second, but by that time I was standing and had thrown his towel towards him.

"I'll be out here." I said, running away from him. I sat on the bed and put my head in my hands. If I couldn't stand it now, how much worse would it be when my life depended on it? I pushed the thoughts away when Light came out of the bathroom.

"Did I do something, L?" He asked. He seemed to have recovered from his meltdown.

"Of course not, Light-kun." I said, trying my best to pretend I didn't know what he was talking about.

"Fine. Whatever." He said, walking towards the living room. I just sat staring after him.

"I guess you're still acting immature." I said when I finally gathered the courage to follow him.

"I'm the one acting immature? Really, L." He ignored me, reading something on his computer.

"Yes, Light-kun. You are."

"I'm not the one who continuously tries to shag the other, only to change his mind at the last minute." He turned around to glare at me, and I wished he hadn't.

"You don't understand." I mumbled.

"Oh, that's right. You're the Great Detective L. I suppose you're too good for us mere mortals." He twisted his face to a mocking of its normal features.

"No, Light-kun." I said. "That is not the reason. It is…hard for me to forget who you were sometimes. But I'm trying." I hadn't meant to hurt his feelings, but I knew I had.

"Oh, I see. Why do you even keep me around then? Clearly all your talk of 'I know you weren't youself' was just bullshit to get me to trust you." He stood up, shouting now. "When you figure out what you're going to do to me, just let me know, will you? I'm going to read something in my room." He stormed off to his room and I was left, once again, in an empty room wondering what I had done wrong.


	16. Apology

**Miko:** So this was a quick update, hopefully that makes up for the shortness of the chapter. The next one will be longer, and hopefully it'll be up soon. Oh, I can walk again. xD My doctor is awesome. Though I think he was shocked to look at the xray. He said if it wasn't for the screws, he wouldn't know I'd even broken it. The joys of being only 19. Quick healing. Anyway, here we go.

* * *

**Apology **

"Here you go, Mr. Masato Mori." The man at the gate handed Light his ticket, and the teen flashed him a genuine smile before walking through the gate. I handed my ticket to the man, but my eyes were on Light's retreating back and my hands shoved in my pockets. I'd resorted back to my normal attire, though the clothes Light had made me buy were in the bags I'd checked on earlier. My ticket was handed back to my without a comment and I followed Light on to the plane.

The whole morning had been the same pattern – Light led the and charmed the airport workers with such sugary charm even I wanted to gag, while I followed behind, virtually invisible behind the glare he left in his wake. Even as I perched in my chair beside him, he refused to acknowledge my presence with so much as a glance. The plane took off smoothly, and still we sat in silence.

I know it was childish, but I refused to be the first to speak even if I did owe him an apology. Instead, I closed my eyes and thought back through the Kira case, wondering if there was any move I could and should have made differently. I was up to the part where Light purposefully chose to be confined when Light broke the silence.

"You're being childish, L." He whispered in my ear, surprising me. I refused to let him know that he'd caught me off guard so I counted to three before I opened my eyes. And when I did open my eyes I didn't look at him.

"I don't know what Masato-kun means." I said, purposefully using his cover name. I knew perfectly well what he was talking about, of course. However, I wasn't convinced I had done anything wrong. Even if I was, I doubted I would apologize. Light should know me better than that.

"Fine, _Ryuzaki_." He said, sitting up. "We're both being childish. But I think it's in our best interest to make up before we get to Japan." I still said nothing and he took a deep breath before continuing.

"I doubt my parents are going to even want to see me, and the last thing I need is for you to be holding a grudge against me." He hissed. "If they see you sitting there blaming me still, they won't even consider letting me in the house. So please, just for once will you please pretend to be my friend. I seem to remember you doing a good job of it before." He tried to hide the bitterness, but it was unmistakable in his tone. I was still taken by surprise to realize that I didn't want to hurt him.

"I am very sorry to have hurt your feelings." I said the words slowly, trying to get rid of the acidic taste of the apology. I could count the number of apologies I'd made on one hand, and almost all of them had been as a child, and Whammy had forced it out of me, usually when I hurt BB's feelings. Conjuring images of BB and Light at the same time would be enough to give me nightmares the next time I slept. Of course, the irony was that Kira had killed BB, and Light still didn't know who that particular criminal was to me.

"You need practice apologizing." Light said, eyes flashing with a smile. I was pleased to see he'd forgiven me, but I frowned at his observation.

"Why does Light-kun believe that?" I asked, switching to his native language. I was confident the people in our immediate vicinity didn't understand, as I'd seen them reading a phrase book when the plane took off. Light caught my hint and responded in the same language.

"Because, you looked like someone forced you to eat something that didn't include sugar." He said, tilting his head. I couldn't help but notice that he seemed to speak easier in his own language, despite his apparent mastery of English. I took my ability to switch from one to another for granted, with the ease of a native speaker of both languages.

"Japanese is my first language as well." I said. Light blinked, but he seemed to follow my thought pattern easily.

"Really? I thought you grew up in England?" He asked. "Is it that obvious that I'm not as fluent in English? I was the best in my year."

"I did grow up in England." I said. "But my mother was from Japan. She spoke her native language at home. I didn't learn English until I met Whammy." Of course, I was only five then, so I wasn't too far behind. And languages were like breathing to me, though I was the best with English and Japanese as I'd learned them the earliest. "I know you were the best in your year. But you always hesitate for a fraction of a second when you speak English. There's no hesitation in your Japanese."

"What happened to your parents?" Light asked. "I'm sorry; you don't need to answer that. It's none of my business." He turned and looked out the window. I was taken by surprise at his asking, and I sat in silence for a moment. It had been an unspoken agreement at the orphanage that no one would talk about life before. The only person who knew was Whammy, and he would never bring it up.

"It's fine." I said. "Do you remember the cases you worked on that day?" I didn't need to refresh his memory any more than that. Understanding dawned on his face.

"The one from 1984? That was yours?" In the official police report, which was the only thing in the folder, neither of the victims was named. The whole report was only three pages long, with no leads to follow.

"The only case I've never solved." I admitted.

"But…Surely together we can solve it." He looked at me and I smiled sadly and shook my head. He was undoubtedly gifted, and I was the reigning champion, but a dead end was a dead end.

"It's been over twenty years. If there had been a lead, it's long buried by now." I'd resigned myself to that fact, but Light didn't seem to want to let go that quickly.

"I won't believe it." He said. "You're the best. We'll solve it when we get back from Japan. I promise you." I looked at him and my heart ached at the sincerity in his words. Arguing now would be useless, so instead I just nodded.

"If Light-kun would like to try," I said. "I appreciate the help. But now let me think how to explain to Soichiro why I've brought his son back without telling him." It was a petty thing to say, but I knew it would send Light into silent brooding for the remainder of the journey.


	17. Greetings

**Miko: **In celebration of taking my Physics test, I've decided to post this crappy chapter. Yay! But really, nothing happens here. I've just got to get it to the next real plot chapter. Also, for the sake of the plot, Sayu is out of school already. Slightly AU, then. Although it doesn't make sense to me that she's 14-15 pre-time skip, and then 20 three years later? Just saying.

**Disclaimer: **I own nothing.

* * *

**Greetings**

Lights silence continued through the limo ride. He had lacked his normal charm with the flight attendants when we landed and several looked at him as if trying to decide if they should call for security until I kicked him while we were waiting in the baggage line.

"Light-kun; I'm sure your father will want to see you. I've kept him up to date on your condition." I had sent reports, but if they were received, I never got q reply. I gave the driver the directions to the Yagami house, though they had moved shortly after I took light to England.

"You don't know my father." Light said. His hands were white from clenching each other on his lap.

"Obviously Light-kun means that I don't know his attitude toward family, as I worked closely with him for months during which tine I believe I came to know his attitude toward Kira very well." Lights nerves were so great that he didn't even turn to glare at me, let alone come up with a retort.

"Your father cares about you. That is obvious. If he is so narrow sighted that he will turn you away, I promise I will convince him otherwise." I saw Light force a smile so I continued. "Unless you're suggesting he is more stubborn than I am?"

"No one could claim that." Light said through a chuckle. "Thank you, L."

"Of course, Light-kun." I said, blinking at my feet. "You truly have become my friend, even if we didn't start out that way." At the time I'd had no problems lying to Light to get close to him, and he hadn't hesitated to lie in return.

We both fell into a more comfortable silence for the rest of the ride. Light looked out the tinted window, and I wondered what it would feel like to fly somewhere and feel like it was home. Yes, I stayed in England most of my time, but it was no more my home than it was Light's. I couldn't walk down the street and remember what a store had been ten years ago. I couldn't look at a map and picture the place in my head. Normally I was shepherded by Wammy from the airport to the secure room and, if the case was taking too long, to the next secure room, etc. I'd never, in all my years, gone exploring anywhere. I had never wanted to. But now, for some reason, I did.

"We're here." I said when we turned on to Light's street. He was no longer looking out the window, but sitting with his eyes closed facing forward. He forced a breath and opened his eyes.

"I know." He said. "I can't forget the way to this house in a thousand years." He was holding himself tensely, and forced himself to relax once again. I half expected to see tears in his eyes, but they were dry as he slid out of the car and strode to the door. He didn't hesitate. I followed behind him, sending the limo away. I didn't know the driver, but if Wammy had sent him to pick me up, he was trustworthy so I didn't waste time worrying about it.

"Wha – Anata! Light-kun is home!" Sachiko embraced her son in a show of affection, and he relaxed in her arms, pulling away only when he saw his father come around the corner, a hard look on his face.

"What are you doing here, Kira." Soichiro's voice was unyielding and harsh. Light flinched but didn't take a step back.

"Moushiwake arimasen deshita." Light didn't bow to his father, or even incline his head as he had for his sister. Instead, he drew himself up taller, as if daring his father to disagree. Soichiro said nothing, but looked passed him to where I was standing.

"What is he doing here, Ryuzaki?" He asked. I took a step forward and stood beside Light.

"Please, Soichiro, Light-kun has come to visit his family. Are you honestly not happy to see your son?" Soichiro grunted and looked at Light.

"Is he cured, then?" He asked bluntly. "He isn't going to start killing people again?" I felt Light flinch beside me and I stood taller. I was a fraction of an inch taller than Light when I stood straight.

"You'd do well to be civil, Yagami." I said, using the voice normally reserved for talking to police officers who were obstructing my investigation. "Despite the mistakes Light has made in the past, he is your son. If his family was this uncivil it's no wonder he chose the path he did." Soichiro said nothing, just glared in disbelief at me, then at Light, then back to me. Sachiko stepped back and opened the door, glancing back to where her husband turned and left.

"I'm sorry, Light." She said. "He really is happy to see you." She added. "It's just been hard for him. You understand?"

"Of course." Light said. "It's been difficult for me as well. But Ryuzaki has been helping me. And…Doctor Lovell – that's the psychiatrist I saw – said I should be able to live a normal life. Or…a more normal life." He glanced over at me and I forced a smile.

"Light-kun is being modest." I said. "He has made astounding progress so far." We stepped inside, and before we made it past the stairs, a shape came flying down them, throwing themselves against Light, and then hugging me. I recoiled, but Sayu – who I saw it was when she stopped moving, didn't seem deterred.

"Thank you, Ryuzaki!" She said. "I never thought you'd actually let Light come for my wedding." Her words shocked me as much as they shocked Light.

"Wedding?" Light asked. "You're marrying -?"

"Matsuda! The wedding's in a week. Didn't you get the invitation?" She asked. They both looked at me.

"Wammy didn't give me any further letters from you." I said. "Congratulations."

"But you're going to stay for it, aren't you?" She asked. I bit my thumb, considering the pros and cons. In the end, it was Light's hopeful face that decided it for me. I couldn't tell him I wouldn't let him stay for his younger sister's wedding. I nodded reluctantly.

"Thank you." Light mouthed over his sister's head as she hugged him again.

* * *

**Miko: **Looking back, I kind of wrote Soichiro as kind of an abusive figure. I just meant for him to be upset with Light, not like "ihateyouyoufailure."

**Translations:**

Moushiwake arimasen deshita- I have no excuse.

Anata - Literally 'you,' Wives say it to their husbands.

deshita


	18. Temporary

**Miko: **College is draining my life out of me. I seriously can't remember the last time I slept more than four hours. xx; I'll update again next weekend, probably. Chances of one before next Friday are looking very slim, as I've got two exams on Monday, and I'll be without a computer Wednesday-Friday. ):

No Matsuda yet, for those wondering. Based on the reviews, no one realized I introduced this particular plot point wayyy back when Sayu and Misa visited in England. I considered developing Sayu/Misa, but that was a short lived phase. Sayu/Matsuda is much more to my liking.

* * *

**Temporary**

To my immense relief, Misa was out of the area on a movie scene, but would be returning for the wedding. For some reason, she considered Sayu her younger sister. Light pointed out that during a fight they'd had, he may have suggested they would marry when the Kira case was over.

"What possessed Light-kun to do that?" I demanded in our shared room that night. Light was lying on the bed, arms behind his head looking at the ceiling.

"You've heard her. What would you do to make her shut up?" I had to agree with him there. In the time she'd spent in the headquarters, she had thrown a tantrum every time she didn't get her way. The end result was her every whim being catered to, and Wammy with a headache for the next few hours.

"I suppose killing her was out of the question." I said dryly. Light hadn't been moving before, but now it seemed as though every muscle in his body stopped. I couldn't even hear his silent breath. "That was a joke, Light-kun."

"Right." I heard him release the breath he'd been holding, and he forced a chuckle out but his voice was hoarse. "Rem would have killed me if I had, though. And she still will if I do anything to hurt her. Or you." Light shot up in the bed. "She'll kill you, L."

"Is that Light-kun's plan?" I asked, heart racing thought I didn't let it show on my face. I realized I had been growing relaxed since the 'end' of the Kira case. I had to remember that just because no one else knew it, the Kira case wasn't over yet. But it would be soon; the endgame was coming and I hadn't made my move yet. I needed more time, especially since the mess I'd made in the bathroom.

"No!" Light's denial was absolute. "But…you're right not to trust me. I'm still who I am. Nothing has changed, even if everyone else wants to believe that." His eyes bored holes in me, searching me for something. I took a breath and forced myself to relax.

"Light-kun." I spoke slowly, standing up and walking to perch on the bed beside him. "Listen to me, Light-kun. Despite what I may have led you to think before, I trust you with my life." I hoped the truth behind the words were apparent to Light. He didn't say anything for a moment, and I wanted to break the silence, but then he opened his mouth to speak.

"You shouldn't." He insisted, frowning.

"I know." I countered. "I know."

"Why do you, then?" He asked. "Wata – Wammy told me that you hardly trust him. So why do you say that you trust me? What do you have to gain?" I didn't know if he wanted an answer, or if he would believe one if it was given. _My life_, I wanted to say, but that would be the wrong answer, even if it was true.

"Nothing." I said instead. "Nothing at all. But Wammy is right, and I've lived so long without trusting anyone. Why shouldn't I trust you?" He lapsed into silence again, and I thought he was never going to answer when he stood up and went over to the desk, running a hand over it and smiling at it fondly.

"You bugged my room." He said slowly, not looking at me. "But I was smarter than you. I hid a television in a chip bag, and hid the Death Note," He shivered, but out of pleasure or fear I couldn't tell without seeing his face. "Hid the Death Note under my schoolwork, writing names whenever they appeared on the screen."

I didn't know what Light was trying to accomplish, but suddenly the room seemed much too large. The distance between Light and myself was gaping, and between us I imagined was another figure, shrouded in shadows but menacing. But it wasn't myself I was worried about, or that was the target of the hooded figure. It was Light, whose back was still away from me. If I hadn't been frozen in place from Light's words, I would have gone to his side. Instead I just sat in horror, not even able to close my eyes. Light started speaking again and the room shrunk back to normal size.

"I did that, L." He said, turning around suddenly. "Kira or not, it was my hand that held the pen. I sat here a hundred times with the sole purpose of murdering hundreds – thousands of people. Even I don't trust myself. Especially not sitting in this house, this room. What would happen if something triggered a change?"

"You won't hurt me." I said, trying to be confident. In truth, I had never been so afraid. I had always thought I would face my death with a scientific detachment. I had never counted on the pounding of my heart as adrenalin raced through my system, trying to keep my brain sharp and focused so I could find a way out. My hand would have been shaking if I wasn't gripping the sheets of the bed.

"Whatever you say, L." Light shook his head and smiled faintly, but I knew he had seen my fear. "You can have that bed. I'll sleep on the cot." I had no intention of sleeping, but I didn't trust myself to speak so I made no argument and within half an hour Light was asleep.

* * *

I was no less uneasy when Light woke up the next morning. His macabre mood seemed to have faded as he opened his eyes and a smile touched his lips when he saw where he was. He blinked his eyes sleepily for a few moments before shooting up with a speed that would have sent someone less graceful falling to the floor as the cot threatened to collapse under him. His eyes landed on me and he relaxed.

"You're still here." He said. The edge of my lip turned up slightly, amused. Light seemed so innocent and…normal…in the morning.

"Of course." I said. "Where else would I be?"

"I dreamed that it was all a dream. The whole thing." The idea seemed to upset him.

"Wouldn't that be a good thing, though?" I asked. I knew the answer for myself, of course. No matter the outcome of this life-and-death game we played, I would never regret anything.

"I don't think so." He said. I saw him think about saying something else, but he settled for swinging his legs out of bed and standing up. He lifted a hand to his head and paused, frowning. "But I would have been happy without this part." He added.

To his family's credit, none of them had mentioned Light's drastic appearance change. I saw Sayu and Sachiko ask a silent question at dinner, but they didn't say anything. Light had probably forgotten in the relief of his family not just turning him away, but he obviously remembered now.

"About that…" I bit my bottom lip, deciding if it I should tell him now, or if I should let him find out on his own. Deciding that by telling him I would probably spare myself some trouble, I braced myself for his reaction. "It's temporary."

"Temporary?" He asked. "You're telling the truth?" I nodded emphatically, waiting for his explosion. "Are you telling me that it'll wash out in a few weeks?"

"Depending on how often you wash your hair." I said. "Which will probably be much less than a few weeks, considering Light-kun seems to bathe two or three times a day."

"I'm so happy right now that I'm not going to punch you, even though you deserve it." He said, leaving the room and heading toward the bathroom. I waited until I was sure he was in the shower before leaving the room and heading down the stairs. Soichiro and Sachiko were sitting on the couch. They both looked up at me and frowned.

"I thought you promised to take him away, L." Soichiro said. "I told you I didn't want to be reminded of my failure."

"Light-kun is certainly not a failure, Yagam-san." I said, standing at the bottom of the stairs. "He is far more intelligent than anyone else I have met, and I work with the world's greatest minds. Just because he made the wrong choice doesn't mean he isn't paying for it now."

"And how is this paying for it?" Soichiro said, face heating up. I refused to raise my voice to match his.

"He will never live a normal life again." I said. "He will not get the chance to live on his own and finish school. He will never be able to start a family. He will never have a job that he will go to every day." Soichiro blinked, stunned for the moment. Twice in the same number of days I had defended Light to his father. Both times required me to speak more than I regularly spoke to anyone with the exception of Wammy or, I realized with some amusement, Light.

"I expected him to follow in my place." Soichiro said. "He was supposed to join the NPA and work with me."

"Light-kun never would have been happy with that job." It was true. Someone like Light needed to be constantly challenged. I had to travel the world to find something to occupy my brain. I wondered what would have happened if I had found the Death Note instead of Light. I wanted to think I wouldn't have used it, but I couldn't be sure about that.

"It was the path he was on." Soichiro insisted.

"Even if he hadn't turned out to be Kira I would have taken him with me when I left." I said. Several times during the investigation I had hoped I was wrong and that Light wasn't Kira, because he was the only one I had ever met who could take over as L when I was defeated at last.

"Really?" I hadn't heard Light come out of the bathroom, but suddenly he was beside me, dressed in pants and a t-shirt and scrubbing furiously at his hair with a towel.

"Really?" Soichiro spoke at the same time as his son, and when I looked between them I saw the same expression of confusion and interest on their faces.

"Yes." I turned and headed up the stairs, exhausted from trying to placate Soichiro so early in the morning. I hoped Light was properly grateful for all I was doing for him. I longed for nothing more than to retreat into a room of my own and not worry about any distractions beside Wammy delivering sweets whenever I ran out. At the thought of the candy, I looked around for the stash I had brought with me. I had finished most of it during the night, and just as I was wondering who would go and get me more, Light opened the door and came in.

"Come on." He said, striding over and pulling my hand so I had no choice but to stand up. I almost dropped the plate I was holding, but I managed to keep it from dumping the slice of cake onto the ground. I straightened and made to glare at Light, but he just laughed and took the plate with an instant tug.

"What does Light-kun want now?" I asked, being pulled toward the door. I planted my feet and refused to move just short of the door. He sighed theatrically and glared at me.

"You need more sugar or you'll start to get short-tempered, and I don't trust myself to be here when Matsuda comes, so we're going out." I wanted to say no, but his argument made too much sense.

"Fine." I said. "But you owe me." He seemed unaffected by my reluctance and he didn't let go of my hand all the way down the stairs and into the street.

"Is Light-kun going to let go of me?" I asked finally. He looked at me under his bangs and smiled.

"Nope."


	19. Giving Up

**Miko: **I wanted to update sooner, but thanks to a huge mixup that ended in me being stranded a hundred miles away from my laptop, it wasn't possible. Thank you so much to everyone who has reviewed. It may not seem like it in this chapter, but everything is going to start winding to a close very shortly. Meanwhile, here's another one of those short chapters that really only serve to be a transition to get to something important.

* * *

**Giving Up**

When we made it back from our shopping trip, a familiar figure was standing in the doorway, pacing back and forth in the cold winter air. He stopped mid step when he saw us walking toward the house, and even though we were far away, I would swear his face went even whiter. Light tensed up beside me, stopping his story of the first time he had snuck out of his house in the middle of the night to attend a University party while he was still in high school. I glanced over at him, trying to determine if I would have to intervene, but his expression was neutral.

"Matsuda." He said, stopping a few feet away from the older man and inclining his head.

"'Lo, Light." Matsuda said, glancing from me to Light in rapid succession. "H…how are you?" He was talking to Light but he was looking at me. I shrugged, not giving any indication either way.

"If you mean, am I really insane, then I can't answer you." Light tried to make it sound light-hearted, but I knew it wasn't as easy to joke about. "But obviously I'm no threat or my jailer here wouldn't let me off the chain." He bend his arms at the elbow, showing his wrists that were chain free.

"I'm glad you're doing better. I know it was really hard on your family…" His cheeks went red and Light laughed.

"Thank you for looking after them for me." Light said. "Sayu told me how you would come over and help around the house after…"

"After Light-kun confessed he was Kira?" I suggested, trying to look innocent when Light glanced at me in surprise. He gritted his teeth and turned back to Matsuda.

"Yes. After I confessed." He forced his face to relax again and to give Matsuda a smile that seemed genuine. Once again I was amazed by his acting skills, and I began to see again why it had taken me so long to catch him. Again, though, I was reminded that the game wasn't over yet, just in a different stage. "I have to get L inside and get some sugar in him before he explodes. It's been almost two hours since he's consumed anything sweet. I'm sure I'll see you later, Matsuda."

"Light-kun, I – " I started to objected but Light dragged me into the house past Matsuda and up the stairs. He didn't take the pressure off until we were in his room and he was slumped against the closed door. I wanted to protest, but from the rise and fall of Light's chest, so out of proportion to the short walk up the stairs, I knew he wasn't as in control of his emotions as he always tried to make it seem. The fact that he had waited until he was away from Matsuda was interesting, though. Obviously he didn't want anyone to see him like this, and suddenly he was just a teen again.

"Are you okay?" I asked, staying a few steps away from him. He closed his eyes, forcing his breathing to steady before he answered. I waited several minutes.

"I'm fine." He said, smiling as he had toward Matsuda. Unlike Matsuda, however, I saw the edge of his lip twitch and knew he wasn't as relaxed as he wanted me to think.

"I thought I made it clear that Light-kun can't fool me." I said. "While your acting is undoubtedly good enough to trick your family and Matsuda, it will not work on me. So, would you like to tell me what's wrong?" He glared at me for a moment until a half smile took over his features.

"I didn't realize how difficult it would be, coming back here." He admitted. I was a little surprised he had folded that easily, and a part of me was suspicious. "Sometimes I wish I could just fade away forever. Everyone is afraid of me, and every second I have to fight not to show any kind of emotion in case someone thinks I'm going to…to kill them or something. And I don't think they would miss me, not really. To them, I'm as good as dead anyway. And I know that it's my fault. Looking back now, I would never have used that stupid notebook. I didn't realize how much I had worth living for until it was gone."

"I shouldn't have brought you here, Light-kun." I said. "I will call Watari and have him book us the first flight back to England." I expected Light to argue, but he just sunk into the chair at the desk with a sigh. "But you will not give up, Light. People will miss you. You saw your mother's reaction. Sayu flew all the way to England to see you."

"What about you?" He asked. "Would you miss me?"

"Light-kun has become part of my life, if I wanted it or not." I said, avoiding the question. He realized it as well, and his face fell a fraction of an inch but I saw it. "I can't imagine life without you." I admitted. Admitting it still made my chest clench, hating that I was starting to rely on anyone, but that didn't make the words any less true.

"Thank you, L." Light said. "I hope you mean that, though. I…I really don't know what I would do without you. Where I would be. I'd…I'd be a monster." A shudder broke through him, and he wrapped his arms around himself. Suddenly, I was reminded of visiting him in the asylum, seeing him sitting in a straight jacket in the middle of an empty white room.

"Probably." I admitted. "Is Light-kun certain he wants to go back to England? Sayu's wedding is only a week away. "

"Can we at least get a hotel room so I don't have to sit in this room and look at everything that reminds me of what I lost?" He gestured toward the desk.

"Of course." I said. "I'll go tell your parents now, and we can leave immediately."

"Thank you, L." He said. I was hesitant to leave him in his bedroom on his own. It had been thoroughly searched, including a trick drawer in the desk, but I couldn't help but wonder if he was hiding something else. Nonetheless, I left the room without glancing back and found his mother and father in the kitchen. I explained to them that I had a new case to work on, and thus needed a space where I could operate without distractions. I told them that regardless of if I was finished or not, Light and I would be there for the wedding, but not until then. Sachiko was upset, but in the end she knew it was best for Light to go with me.

Light was still sitting where I'd left him when I went back in the room to collect him. He hadn't even packed his bags again. I hadn't even opened mine, so that was easy, but in the time it took to gather Light's belongings, the driver was waiting at the front of the house.


	20. Hate

**Miko: **Okay. So I decided to redo this scene and delete the extra story I posted this as. If you read that, THIS IS NOT the same. It's been rewritten. I've come to agree that building up the suspense and then letting it pass wasn't right. I'm just sorry I made this decision too late.

**WARNING: THIS CHAPTER CONTAINS SEXUAL MATERIAL. Do not read if you are underage.**

**

* * *

**

**Hate**

Light returned to what passed as normal quickly when we were alone again. I saw how his shoulders were more relaxed, and how he didn't glance over his shoulder every few minutes as if expecting someone to sneak up on him. I knew he would never get better by avoiding his problems, though. By refusing to associate with anything that reminded him of Kira, he was delaying the only true way he could hope to move on.

"What are you thinking now?" I was so lost in thought that I didn't realize Light was watching me. I pulled my thoughts away from the future to face the problem of the present. Light was no longer sitting at the hotel desk, but instead sitting on the bed beside me.

"Nothing, Light-kun." I said. He laughed, so carefree I could almost imagine there really wasn't anything wrong with him.

"Is that code for 'what I should do with Light?'" He asked. It no longer shocked me how easily Light could read me. I still didn't like it, though. No one had ever been able to interpret my actions before, even the boys at Wammy couldn't figure out all my secrets. In front of Light I may as well just voice my thoughts as I had them rather than try and hide them.

"What do you think I should do with you?" I asked, purposefully avoiding letting him know how accurate his guess was. He made a big deal of thinking for a moment before answering.

"I know what you should do, but I'd rather you not." He said. I didn't say anything, knowing he would cave eventually. I knew the only logical conclusion he could have come to, the same one I had reached only a few moments before.

"You should leave me in Japan instead of letting me run away from everything that reminds me of K…Kira."

"It makes sense." I said, nodding. The thought of leaving Light-kun anywhere terrified me. "Of course, you'll be under constant surveillance, and no Shinigami to disable the cameras. You wouldn't be allowed out of the house except in the company of someone I trust and you would have a GPS attached to you at all times."

"I wouldn't expect any less." Light said, sounding far more resigned than I expected him to. I'd thought he would try and convince me to change my mind. That he accepted it so easily made me think I was missing something. Was it possible Kira had hidden some stray piece of the Death Note in Light's room? Would the teen be able to resume his activities? He had already outsmarted me once, and I wouldn't be L if I let him do it again.

"Now what are you thinking, L?" He asked. Suddenly I realized what his real game was.

"Your idea isn't going to work." I said. By not arguing, he was hoping to lead my thoughts down the path they had just gone down, and he almost got his way. "You're going to stay here after the wedding."

"It was worth a try." He said. "But are you sure it's really the right thing to do? What if I'm not strong enough? What if –" He swallowed, making the sound seem ominous.

"Light-kun is strong enough." I said, forcing myself to believe it. If Light noticed the slight hesitance he didn't show it.

"What's wrong with me?"He asked, shaking his head. Before I could respond, he added, "Please don't answer that. I know the list."

"Light-kun needs to stop feeling sorry for himself." I said, shocking him out of his melancholy mood. He glanced up and looked as shocked as if I'd hit him.

"I am not feeling sorry for myself!" He said, standing up and glaring down at me. I stood up, matching him inch for inch.

"What does Light-kun call it, then?" I asked.

"I am not moping!" He said again.

"I never said you were moping." I said, shrugging a shoulder. "Though I do suppose that works as well as self pity."

"L!" He lowered his voice.

"Light-kun." I matched his tone, irrationally happy at his irritation. This was more like the Light-kun I had known, not the quiet, insecure person he had become. I was so happy that I didn't see when he swung his fist at me. It connected on my jaw, knocking me back. Instinctively I lashed out with my foot, catching him behind the knee and sending us down in a tumble of limbs. I stood up slowly, rubbing the spot that Light had punched and wincing. Once again I would have a bruise thanks to him.

"I guess that part was all Light-kun." I said, watching him stand up.

"I wasn't Kira then, you idiot." He said, glaring. In his anger he hadn't even stumbled over the name. His fists were clenched and I kept one eye on them in case he hadn't finished venting his frustration. One bruise was more than enough.

"So then Light-kun has no excuse for his lack of self control?"

"You're infuriating, L." He said.

"You know. I've heard that before." I shoved my hands in my pockets, slouching now that I was sure Light wasn't going to hit me again.

"Maybe you should consider not being such an ass, then."

"Light-kun should know that it's impossible to 'be' one single part of human anatomy."

"It was an insult." Light said, still refusing to relax. He did unclench his fists and cross them over his chest.

"Not an effective or accurate one." I said. "Light-kun is intelligent enough to come up with a better insult surely."

"Ugh. Why do I put up with you?" He asked. "Oh yeah. I remember now." He took a few steps closer until he was only a few inches away from me.

"And why is that?" I asked, refusing to be intimidated. We stood like that for a moment, neither of us willing to back down. I could almost imagine a weight on my wrist connecting us together, as this was often the position so many of our arguments had ended back then. Except back then, Light was nothing but a suspect who I wanted to lock behind bars.

I still wasn't sure what he was to me, but when he closed the gap between our bodies for the first time in the dozen times we had stood like this, I didn't make any move to pull away. I let him push me back against the wall and even when I started to get lightheaded I didn't want him to pull away. The cynical part of me was wondering if making me pass out wasn't his goal, but that part was overpowered by the taste of him, and the feel of his bare chest under my hands.

"Because you put up with me." He whispered, both of us gasping for breath. I had no reply, but he wasn't waiting for one. Our lips crashed together and this time I took control, pushing him onto the bed and pressing our bodies together. Before I realized what was happening, we were even closer, skin on skin, and I was pressed with my back against the bed while Light trailed kisses down my chest. His tongue circled first one nipple, then the other, shocking me. I tensed, and he looked up, a question in his eye.

"Something wrong?" He asked, a light smile on his lips.

"No." I said, trying to catch my breath. It hitched again as he went back to his ministrations. I surrendered to him then, ignoring the smile in his eyes when he looked up at me after reaching a particularly sensitive spot. His hand was rubbing the outside of my pants, refusing to give me the release I needed.

"Mnng…Light-kun." I wasn't going to last much longer; just being this close to him was driving me crazy. I wondered how I had lasted this long, and how I hadn't realized from the moment I met him that we would reach this point. Light smirked up at me from where he had been kissing my neck. I pulled him up to my lips again, our tongues fighting for control. I growled as he tried to tease me again, flipping him under me and pinning his hands above his head.

"Pants." He said, lifting his hips and moving slightly to help me pull them down. I wrapped my hand around his already hard cock, pumping it slowly. I'd let go of his hands and he took advantage of that, reaching in my pants and grasping my erection. I used my free hand and pushed my pants down to give him better access. His pace increased, and I sped up mine to match it.

"L…I…I'm going to…" He hissed as release shook his body. I followed quickly after, collapsing against him as my arms gave out. When I recovered, I kissed him, granting him entrance when he ran his tongue against my lip gently.

"I…I want you inside me." He said between deep kisses.

"Light-kun?" I asked, pulling away and keeping out of his reach. He lifted his clean hand, running the back of his fingers down the side of my face.

"Please, L." He said, no trace of hesitation in his voice. I was in no position to argue, leaning down to capture his lips as my hand teased his cock and balls until they were half hard. He moaned, grinding against my hand. He moved into position, and I pressed against him, easing my way in. He was tight, and I knew it hurt, but he didn't say anything.

"Tell me to stop." I said, pressing in further.

"No. Just go slow." He said. A few minutes later I was in, and he relaxed slightly. Slowly, I pulled out, going slow. When he didn't clench in pain, I went faster. Soon his moans couldn't be mistaken as discomfort, and as I reached around to jack him, he was urging me to go faster, faster. I complied, thrusting in rhythm to his hips. We came at the same time, collapsing in a mass of sweaty and sticky limbs.

"Light-kun." I said, holding him against me an hour later. He placed a hand on my chest, using it to prop himself up to kiss me chastely on the lips. "You're still staying in Japan." He pulled back, frowning, but my arm on his back wouldn't let him pull away far.

"I hate you." He said, though the smile on his lips said otherwise.

"I hate you too." I caught a glimpse of the clock behind Light and decided to change the subject. "It's after midnight. Light-kun needs his beauty sleep."

"What about your beauty sleep?" He asked, settling his head against my chest.

"Light-kun knows I don't sleep unless Wammy is here." He didn't say anything else, and after a few minutes I knew he was asleep. I lay there for the rest of the night, trying to process what had happened between us and what it meant. Several times he shifted his weight, mumbling something that I couldn't make out. Each time I held my breath until he quieted. I still didn't know how I felt, but I did know that I'd never been so happy before.


	21. Wedding

**Miko: **The (rather pathetic) missing smut scene from the previous chapter was put up as a separate story. The link to it is on my profile.

* * *

**Wedding**

"We're going to be late, Light-kun!" I was standing outside the door of the bathroom in the hotel, waiting for Light to finish god knows what he was doing. I heard several things fall to the floor and Light shout something obscene.

"This is your fault, L." He said, slamming the door open so quickly I almost recoiled. Despite the fact that the wedding was in less than an hour, he was wearing only a towel around his waist and one covering his hair.

"If Light-kun would like me to form a coherent sentence, he should be wearing more clothes than that." He groaned, but pushed past me and grabbed a t-shirt from the dresser, pulling it on and facing me.

"This is all your fault." He said, pronouncing each word with a corresponding step towards me. When he got close enough, he shoved me in the chest with a single finger, pushing me back against the wall.

"What excuse has Light-kun come up for this time?" I asked.

"You ruined my hair!" He pulled off the towel covering his hair. Thanks to his obsessive washing, it was almost returned to its normal color. I almost told him that, but I remembered the last time I made that mistake. He had shouted for an hour about how his hair used to be golden brown, and obviously his hair was still several shades darker. In fact, it was almost medium brown it was so dark and I was oblivious to everything about him for not noticing that.

"Can you just get dressed?" I asked. "I promised your family you wouldn't miss the wedding." The argument was futile, but at least it would get him off the subject of his hair.

"No, I can't just get dressed." He said. "Because I don't own a shirt that matches my hair." He took the pressure off my chest and tugged at his hair, as if he needed to emphasize his point. I sighed, bored with the whole thing.

"Light-kun. If you refuse to put your own clothes on, you will force me to do it for you." Light rolled his eyes at me and went back into the bathroom without another word. Once again I had pulled out the clothing Light had forced me to buy back in England. I had chosen black dress pants and a thick maroon sweater that I remembered being set against and could have sworn I'd put it back on the shelf when Light wasn't looking. However, it had ended up in the bag, and the prospect of heading out into the cold air was much more appealing with something beside my normal t-shirt protecting me.

"Fine." Light stalked out of the bathroom a few minutes later dressed in a suit. I thought it matched his hair just fine. Once again, however, I managed to keep my opinion to myself. He looked at me and rolled his eyes, indicating something was wrong with my outfit now.

"Would Light-kun like to say something?" I asked.

"No." He said, forcing a smile out. "But…how attached are you to that sweater?"

"I will not change." I said, opening the door to the hotel. "Ready to go?" He scowled at me, but led the way out.

Sayu and Matsuda had decided to hold their wedding at a hotel close to their house. As in the traditional Shinto wedding, the ceremony was going to be very small, consisting of the Yagami's, plus Misa, the Kira taskforce and me. I knew from when I had run a background check that both of Matsuda's parents had died in an accident shortly after his eighteenth birthday. I also knew that he was born the year before me. I wondered briefly if Light knew that, then quickly dismissed the idea that he didn't. If I had been him those facts would be the first ones I learned about anyone I would interact with.

By the time we got to the limo, Light still hadn't forgiven my unwillingness to change my outfit to suit him, so slid into the car without a word to me. I marveled again that anyone could keep me thinking about them as much as Light could. Normally I would determine how a person would act, and store the information away if I ever needed it. But with Light, I constantly had to revise my opinion of him.

"You're thinking about me again." Light said with a smirk. Twice he had caught me lost in thoughts of him.

"After what happened last night I'll be thinking about certain parts of Light-kun a lot more." I was pleased by the flush that crept into his cheeks.

"Ryuzaki!" Light hissed, eyes darting to the partition that separated us from the driver. When he was sure the man wasn't listening, he sat up straighter, looking at his hands and not at me.

"What was last night, L?" He asked, eyes rising to meet mine. Even after thinking about it while he had slept, I didn't know how to answer him. He sensed my hesitation, because he continued. "I'm not expecting anything from you, you know. I remember what you told me before I was released. I'll never get to live a normal life. So I just want to know what game you're playing at here. Obviously you didn't plan on what happened." He considered that possibility, looking at me searchingly. "Did you?"

"I'll admit I spoke rashly, Light-kun." I said, picking my words carefully. I didn't want to build up any false hopes when even I didn't know what I wanted. "Though if I remember correctly, you're the one who initiated last night, so I should be asking you the same question."

"So you regret it, then?" He obviously wasn't going to let me get off easily. I considered what answer could express my feelings, but none came. I hated being at a loss for words, and it had only happened a handful of times, most of them around Light.

"No." I said. I didn't regret it, whatever it was we had started. "Does Light-kun regret it?"

"What do you think?" He asked, leaning in to brush my lips lightly with his. I pretended to consider it for a moment, and he took advantage of that to slide closer to me and pull me in for a deeper kiss. The taste of him drove me crazy, and it took all my restraint not to rip his clothes off right then. Thankfully, the driver pulled to a stop, the sudden jolt breaking us apart.

"I think Light-kun has an unfair mastery of kissing." I said, sliding out of the car. He laughed, taking my hand in his and leaning against me for a moment, looking at the hotel where the wedding was to be held.

"I think I could say the same thing of you." He said, tugging me forward. I followed a half step behind him, letting him lead the way. When we got inside, Misa was waiting for us. She rushed towards Light, clearly intending to throw herself at him. I was reminded of the last time they had come face to face, only that time I'd stood to the side and let her cling to him. This time, I pulled Light closer to me, wrapping an arm around his waist possessively. His look was hard to read, resting somewhere between gratitude and annoyance, but he didn't pull away.

"Light?" Misa asked, stopping a few feet from us. "Aren't you happy to see Misa-Misa?" She pouted, ignoring the fact that Light had inched closer to me.

"Uh…I'm really sorry, Misa, but I…" Light didn't even manage to get a full sentence out before Misa started crying.

"You said you loved me!" She said, tears causing her eyeliner to run. "Did I do something wrong?" I almost felt sorry for her then, looking so young though in reality she was older than Light.

"No, Misa." Light pulled out of my grip, drawing the model into a hug. "You didn't do anything wrong. I uhm…I cheated on you." She stopped her sobs, taking a step back from him. I thought she was going to say something, but she smacked him open handed. He absorbed the impact, not even rocking back.

"Don't ever talk to me again. We're finished." She turned on her heel, storming off in the direction of the shrine room where the ceremony would be held. When she had gone, Light turned back to face me.

"It was the truth." He said. Anything else he might have said was drowned out by Sayu, who came out in a white kimono, the uchikake,with her hair hidden by a white hood called the Tsuno Kakushi, the intricate gold ornaments or Kanzashi. She moved as quickly as the restrictive clothing would allow, smiling at us the whole way.

"You look beautiful, Sayu." Light said. "I thought you swore you'd never have a traditional wedding?"

"Matsuda wanted it." She said. "And I was never that set against it." She took Light's hand, pulling him towards the room Misa had vanished into. Light grabbed my hand, pulling me along as well.

"You said you'd rather die alone than have a Shinto wedding." Light said, letting his sister pull him without putting up a fuss. Instead of going into the hall, she pulled us off to one side of it, checking in to make sure no one was coming out.

"What did you do to hurt Misa's feelings?" She asked. "She came running in, almost knocking me over, crying something about cheating and –" She must have caught the glance Light gave me, because she stopped talking, lifting one hand up to cover her 'oh' of surprise.

"It's not what you think, Sayu." Light started. But to his surprise, she hugged him.

"You choose a horrible time, you know." She said, punching him on the shoulder when she let him go. "Couldn't you have waited to decide you don't like girls until after my wedding?"

"Uh…Sorry?" Light said, surprised. "Wait, how did you know? I didn't even know."

"Really, Light?" Sayu asked, laughing. "Everyone knew but you. You had every girl throwing themselves at you, and you never looked twice. I thought Misa had finally broken though, but then I realized you were using her, I thought to make someone jealous, but I guess that wasn't right."

"Light-kun, I believe your sister is better at reading people than you are." Light just glared at me, trying to come up with a reply when Sachiko stuck her head out and called for us to hurry along.

The initial wedding ceremony was small, the task force not arriving until the reception as was traditional. Matsuda and Sayu drank from the cups, a ritual called san-san-kudo,and exchanged rings, the only Westernization of the wedding. After the official ceremony, we were led to the reception hall, while Sayu and Matsuda went to change out of the traditional clothes. Everyone went silent when Light and I walked in, all eyes on him.

"Ryuzaki was kind enough to let Light come back for his sister's wedding." Soichiro said, breaking the silence.

"Hello, Light." Mogi said, lifting his fingers in greeting. As if a spell had been broken, everyone started talking. However, no one wanted us to join their conversation. Light, seemingly not upset at all, led me to the far end of a table, placing three chairs between himself and the nearest person.

Sayu and Matsuda returned an hour into the ceremony. Matsuda was wearing a suit now, and Sayu's new kimono was brightly colored. The new couple went around the room, talking to everyone and accepting the congratulations. When it was time for the speeches to start, they headed to the table at the front of the room. Seeing them together, it was obvious they were in love. Even when they had been on opposite sides of the room, their eyes had met with a warm smile. One by one, people stood up to give their opinion and blessings. No one expected Light or me to say anything, but after Misa, Light stood up and walked in silence to the microphone.

"I don't have anything prepared." He said, looking only at the couple and ignoring everyone else. "And I can't say I was happy when I first heard, but then again, I can't think of anyone who could deserve my baby sister. But Matsuda, I am glad she picked you, and I'm grateful for all you did for her and my family while I was away. May you be happy forever." He took his place beside me to a polite applause. Sayu caught his eye and mouthed a 'thank you' at him before she stood and they cut the cake.

When everyone's attention was on Matsuda and Sayu, Light grabbed my hand and motioned towards the door. I frowned, but followed him outside into the quiet of the hotel lobby.

"Are you okay, Light-kun?" I asked. He looked a little pale, and I saw a faint sheen of sweat on his forehead. He had a hand on the wall to steady himself, but when he spoke his voice wasn't wavering.

"Yeah. I'm fine." He said after he had gathered his strength. "It's just strange to see everyone like that and not think…not remember…" He gestured with his free hand. "Will I ever be able to be normal again? This has never happened to me before."

"I don't know, Light-kun." I said honestly. He looked wounded, but I finished. "I am no expert, and I doubt anyone in the world has had experience with your particular case. If Light-kun wishes, I can find a specialist and bring him or her here."

"No." Light said, standing up and straightening his suit. "I don't want help. I've never failed. I can do this myself. I'm just…I'm just not trying hard enough. I don't take the easy way out." I knew he wasn't talking to me as much as he was talking to himself, so I let him rant, waiting until he ran out of things to say before I interrupted.

"Does Light-kun realize how egotistical he sounds?" Light glared at me, but didn't deny it.

"It's why you like me." He said, closing the distance between us and putting his arms around my neck, standing so close I could feel his breath on my lips. He was apparently oblivious to the rest of the people in the room, or he assumed the shadowy corner we were standing in was dark enough. His lips met mine, lingering for a second before pulling away.

"Let's go back to Sayu's wedding." He said, brushing my lips with his briefly before pulling away and stepping back.

* * *

**Miko: **So that's the end of Misa/Light...or is it?


	22. Goodbye

**Miko:** It's November, and hopefully you know what that means. It's NaNoWriMo time again. So...yeah. I promise I'll try not to abandon this, but...yeah. This chapter sucks, can anyone say filler? I need to go rewatch some episodes. I seem to have lost L somewhere. But the next one will be better. I brought back everyone's favorite character! Yay. Haha. You'll see.

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**Goodbye**

To my surprise, Light didn't argue about me leaving him behind. In fact, it was as if he had forgotten about it altogether. Or, I thought, maybe he assumed I would change my mind, but I thought he knew me well enough to know that wouldn't happen. It wasn't until the morning after the wedding that I decided to bring up the subject again.

"Do you need anything before I go back to England?" I asked, sitting at the desk with the portable laptop open to an email from Near and Mello. Light was lying on the bed, watching me through half-asleep eyes. He didn't answer for a minute, giving credence to my theory that he had indeed forgotten.

"Depends on how long you're intent on stranding me for." He said. "I've got enough clothes to last for two weeks. I'm assuming you're not going to let me take a laptop, so I won't bother asking for one. My father may hate me, but he won't let me starve. Therefore, I think I'm fine." I decided to ignore his comment about being stranded.

"My flight leaves this afternoon, so as soon as you're ready we can leave for your parents' house." Light made no motion to get up from the bed, actually rolling over so he was on his back, the sheets dipping dangerously low. I purposefully turned back to the computer screen. "Get up, Light-kun."

"If my getting up leads to you abandoning me, I think I'd rather stay in bed all day." He rolled his head so he could watch my reaction. "You're welcome to join me."

"I have work, Light-kun." I said through gritted teeth. "If you don't get dressed I'll simply force you to go as you are."

"My father may catch on that you're not as celibate as you led us to believe during the investigation." He said. "And I don't think he'll like the fact that you've corrupted his only son, even if his only son is a murderer."

"As if I could corrupt Light-kun." I scoffed. I knew the initial rumors considering my motivation of chaining myself to the teen. The only way to kill those rumors was to give Yagami Sochiro access to the surveillance cameras. After that, no one said anything. I wondered what I would have done had I discovered my feelings to my suspect back then.

"I idolized you." Light said, suddenly serious. "Even when you were so certain I was Kira and insisted on chaining us together I still wasn't mad at you." I waited, wondering where this was going and why he was telling me this now. "And then I realized just how messed up you were, even more than I was – am. You're a hypocrite, asking me to change but refusing to face your own issues." I was stunned. No one, not even Wammy who knew me better than anyone in the world, had ever been that blunt about it.

"Don't pretend you don't know what I'm talking about." He said. "I care about you, more than I've cared about anyone. But unless you make an effort to fix yourself, it doesn't matter what hoops I jump through for you, you'll always push me away." With those words, he stood up and walked into the bathroom, locking the door behind him.

I sat in silence, bringing my thumb to my mouth and biting on my nail absently. Light's words cut into me, and it terrified me that he could read me so easily. I knew what was wrong with me, but I also knew there was no way I could ever explain it to anyone else. How can you tell someone the pain of losing your parents at such a young age? Could anyone understand what it felt like to be five years old sitting at a bus stop for two days waiting for a father who never showed up? I shoved the memory away again, refusing to dwell on the past, even at Light's urging.

"If you're done wallowing, I'm ready to go." I looked up to see Light leaning against the bathroom door, dressed in khaki pants and an olive green sweater.

"I do not wallow." I said, standing up. I decided not to dress in anything other than my usual baggy clothing, pettily hoping Light took it as the subtle insult as I had intended. He didn't say anything, though, just held the door open for me.

The ride to his house was silent, just like the ride from the airport. The only sound was Light's silent anger, which made the trip seem twice as long. When we pulled up in the driveway, I made no move to open the door, and he just stared straight ahead, ignoring me. I looked at him in silence for several moments before biting my thumb and speaking.

"Will Light-kun speak to me if I promise to humor him?"

"You'll talk to a psychiatrist?" Light asked, raising an eyebrow but acknowledging me with a sarcastic glance. I started to tell him exactly what I thought of psychiatrists, but decided against it. I knew it was no use to argue with him, especially when the logical part of me knew he was right.

"Fine." I said through gritted teeth. "But there's nothing wrong with me."

"So is that why you're a hermit who refuses to trust anyone, even the people who care about him?" I had no response, but Light wasn't waiting for one. "Let's get this over with. I assume you already mentioned this to my parents?"

"Of course." I said. I'd briefly mentioned it, and Light's mother was enthusiastic, though not as pleased when I asked her to place several cameras around the room. When I'd pulled them up on my laptop, they were all in place, and seemingly functional.

"Goodbye, Light-kun." He turned to face me, already halfway to the door.

"You're not even going to walk me to the door?" He asked, not taking a step back towards me. I refused to go to him, so I just shook my head. "Fine." And with that, he turned and stalked toward the house, opening the door and vanishing behind it before I could say anything else. I stood there for several moments, expecting him to appear again. To say goodbye, or beg me not to leave him, but it became apparent that he was done with goodbyes.

"Back to the hotel." I sat in the limo, perched on the edge of the seat chewing absently on my thumb. I wandered up to the room, lost in thought. Light's absence seemed to be a physical pain, something I'd never experienced before. The hotel room seemed darker, more lonely than ever before. I'd travelled by myself all over the world. Yes, Wammy had accompanied me most of the time, but he was always in another hotel, just in case he had been followed. I shouldn't be bothered by the silence of the room now, and yet I was.

I had lied to Light about one thing, though – there was no flight. I had no intention of leaving Light – for all that I trusted him, I still couldn't put complete faith in him – alone, separated by the entire continent of Eurasia. I would stay in hotel rooms, Wammy had booked me several, never staying more than two days in each one. I'd monitor Light around the clock, and, I thought wryly, I'd have to consult with a psychiatrist, just to keep Light happy.

"Hello, this is Doctor Lovell." I heard the annoyingly familiar tone answer the phone, her voice more polite than I'd ever heard it. I'd considered asking Wammy to look up another psychiatrist, but as he'd already done that once and Doctor Lovell was the only one I'd approved. I realized my personal feelings shouldn't matter, and hopefully the woman would feel the same way.

"This is Ryuzaki." I said. I could almost hear the change in her tone even before she spoke.

"Are you calling about Light? Is something wrong? I can prepare a room for him immediately." I was surprised at how much she seemed to genuinely care about Light's well being.

"Actually, Light-kun is doing very well. He is visiting his parents as we speak. But it is partially because of him that I'm making this call." I proceeded to explain my position, gritting my teeth and forcing myself not to hang up the phone and just lie to Light when she laughed at me.

"That's…ah…interesting, Mr. Ryuzaki." She said finally. "I'd love to schedule meetings with you, and I'm sure they will be beneficial. When can you come to the office?"

"Actually, I'm out of the country at the moment, so I'd appreciate if this could be over the phone. Obviously you will be paid handsomely. You just need to sign a confidentiality agreement, which I will have faxed over immediately if you agree."

"It will have to be over video phone." She countered. I was half expecting her to be against the whole idea. In fact, I was planning on using that as my excuse to get out of the physiatrist idea if Light brought it up again. Instead, she seemed almost eager.

"Very well. I'll have my associate send the documents, and supply you with any equipment needed to set up the video feed. Our first session will be tomorrow at 11, if that is acceptable." She had no arguments, and I hung up the phone feeling strangely like someone had outsmarted me, and it wasn't a feeling I enjoyed.


	23. Therapy

**Miko: **Sorry for the short and late update. I have a poll up on my profile. I'd really appreciate if you guys could take the time to vote - it pertains to this story. I'm considering writing some in Light PoV now that they're separated, and that it's closer to the ending. Let me know what you think using the poll(or a review works as well).

* * *

**Therapy**

"Hello, this is Doctor Lovell." I heard the annoyingly familiar tone answer the phone, her voice more polite than I'd ever heard it. I'd considered asking Wammy to look up another psychiatrist, but as he'd already done that once and Doctor Lovell was the only one I'd approved. I realized my personal feelings shouldn't matter, and hopefully the woman would feel the same way.

"This is Ryuzaki." I said. I could almost hear the change in her tone even before she spoke.

"Are you calling about Light? Is something wrong? I can prepare a room for him immediately." I was surprised at how much she seemed to genuinely care about Light's well being.

"Actually, Light-kun is doing very well. He is visiting his parents as we speak. But it is partially because of him that I'm making this call." I proceeded to explain my position, gritting my teeth and forcing myself not to hang up the phone and just lie to Light when she laughed at me.

"That's…ah…interesting, Mr. Ryuzaki." She said finally. "I'd love to schedule meetings with you, and I'm sure they will be beneficial. When can you come to the office?"

"Actually, I'm out of the country at the moment, so I'd appreciate if this could be over the phone. Obviously you will be paid handsomely. You just need to sign a confidentiality agreement, which I will have faxed over immediately if you agree."

"It will have to be over video phone." She countered. I was half expecting her to be against the whole idea. In fact, I was planning on using that as my excuse to get out of the physiatrist idea if Light brought it up again. Instead, she seemed almost eager.

"Very well. I'll have my associate send the documents, and supply you with any equipment needed to set up the video feed. Our first session will be tomorrow at 11, if that is acceptable." She had no arguments, and I hung up the phone feeling strangely like someone had outsmarted me, and it wasn't a feeling I enjoyed.

"You have to understand this is not the type of therapy that I normally do." Dr. Lovell said. She had stacks of books on her desk, but I couldn't read the titles from the way they were facing. In fact, her whole office was a mess. If I hadn't been certain of her credentials, I wouldn't have believed she could be a world renowned psychiatrist.

"If you do not feel you are capable of this, I will look elsewhere." I kept my tone level, but the truth was I was anxious about the upcoming hour. I had avoided confronting my past at all costs. I summoned a picture of Light into my head and braced myself.

"Of course not." She said, tucking a strand of brown hair behind her ear. "I'm confident that I've done my research on this subject. Why have you decided to pursue therapy at this time?"

"Light-kun told me he wouldn't sleep with my anymore if I didn't speak with you." It was worth the look of shock on her face to be that blunt. To her credit, the emotion was only visible for a moment before she composed herself again.

"You must love Light quite a bit to commit to this, then." It wasn't a question, but I heard the question behind the words.

"I care about Light-kun." I said. Did I love him? Quite possibly, but I wasn't sure. As cliché as it sounds, I had no idea what love was.

"How would your parents feel about him?" She asked. I was glad she didn't press the love issue, but when her question came out, I wished she had.

"You have my chart. You know that my parents are…gone." It was stupid, but I hated saying they were dead.

"Yes, I know they are dead. But you were old enough to have memories of them now. So tell me, what do you think they would tell you." Clearly she had no issue with the word. I was glad she was in another country, but it made it hard not to walk away from the computer screen right then. I summoned Light's face again before I answered.

"I don't know. I don't remember them."

"I find that hard to believe." She said, in what I understood was a condescending tone. "Light constantly told me how amazing your memory is."

"Light-kun idolized me. He exaggerated." I resisted the urge to end the call. I would endure it, and then tell Light that nothing was wrong with me.

"Light had many issues, but he never exaggerated about anyone. In fact, he barely mentioned you at all." I was pleased that she was on the defensive, and not pressing the parent issue. It couldn't last long. "Can you remember anything about your parents?"

"I don't see how this is relevant." I said. I expected her to change the subject; I was used to people listening to me. But she held her ground.

"That's what makes it relevant." She said. "Why are you unwilling to talk about them? Were they abusive? Did they abandon you?"

"My parents loved me." I said, feeling the need to defend parents I hadn't thought about in years. "They were murdered." Of course, there was no record of that. They had simply gone missing. Had they abandoned their only child? I couldn't reconcile that with my memory of them, however hazy it was.

"What did they look like?" She didn't apologize, and I realized that was because she had accomplished her goal. She got me to start talking about them.

"My mother was Japanese. She had long black hair. She always wore dresses. Yellow and red were her favorites." I tried to call a picture of her into my head, forgetting I was speaking out loud. That my father appeared next to her was natural. "My dad was English. He had…dark brown hair and he wore glasses. He always wore suits. He was a professor."

As if it broke down something inside me, a flood of childhood memories came back to me. I didn't cry – I wasn't that changed. But I suddenly felt queasy. I wanted to stop them, to push them back into the recesses of my mind they had come from. But they came in flashes. My mother took me to a park, pushing me in a swing and explaining the theory of pendulums. My father reading me Shakespeare and Dostoevsky. When I thought I couldn't possibly handle it anymore, Doctor Lovell spoke up again.

"What are you seeing?" She asked. I blinked, looking at the screen again.

"Nothing." I said. She didn't seem upset by that. In fact, her smile looked pleased.

"I believe we should end on a positive note today." She said. "Do you have any other questions or concerns?"

"No. I will speak to you on our next appointment." I closed the computer screen and leaned back in my chair. I didn't feel any different. There wasn't some hole in me that had been filled by the memory of parents. I felt no desire to go out and speak with strangers. And yet, there was something different. I had never realized that I'd actually forgotten about my parents. I did feel some slight guilt about that. They had done nothing wrong to me, and yet I pushed them to the back of my mind until they disappeared. So while I wasn't any different, I vowed not to forget them again.

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**Miko: **On a sad note, I may not update this until December 8th. It's time for finals, so I'm really slammed, plus I'm working on a story for NaNoWriMo. So yeah. Any updates between now and the 8th will be a bonus. Really sorry about that, but I swear I will update no later than the 8th.


	24. Breaking

**Miko:** Alrighty. So consider this a trade off. No update on the 8th, but this nice, long, darker-than-usual chapter from Light's point of view now. I still may get an update on Wednesday, but I have to write a final paper due that day and sadly that's more important. But look for one on the 9th for sure.

**Explanation of Italics: **The large blocks of italics are Light's memories. The non-italicized font is Light thinking right now(after L left him at his parents house). The font that is different (ie. in the italic blocks, the normal font; or the italic font in the blocks of regular text) is Kira speaking. I hope this made sense. It should be self explanatory in the story, but this is a heads up.

**Disclaimer(since I always forget): **I own nothing except Doctor Lovell and my own twists. L, Light, Kira and all other characters are the property of those people who own Death Note and get paid to write it. Which isn't me.

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**Breaking**

**Light's PoV**

I remember the exact moment when I first lost control to Kira. Even months later I have a difficult time thinking about it. Until L put me in the psych hospital, I don't think I really realized what was happening. But with Dr. Lovell's help, I finally came to terms with having a second person inside my head.

I remember that first moment when everything changed. Contrary to L's speculation, it wasn't the first murder. At least – it wasn't at that precise moment. Like most victims of Dissasociative Identity Disorder, I didn't realize at the time. Of course, I knew I was the person writing in the Death Note. I would sit at the desk, pen in hand staring at the daunting blank page. It would be pointless to lie and say I didn't agree with Kira, that I didn't want to protect the Death Note and what it could do. But I didn't realize until later that I wasn't Kira. I had no memory of actually writing in the notebook.

_My hands were shaking, so I shoved them in my pocket along with the horrible black book. I couldn't tear my eyes away from the scene of the crime. Before people ran to surround the body, I saw the way it was twisted at an unnatural angle. He wasn't going to wake up from this and I had done it. I might as well have driven the truck over his body. But I hadn't. I forced my nerves to calm. I hadn't really believed he would die. If I never touched the notebook again, everything would go back to normal. I would hide the notebook – not in public, not where someone else may find it – and forget it. _

_Everything returned to normal for a short time, but my eyes kept drifting to the boxes in my closet. In one of them – I knew exactly which one even though I'd packed them all and then shuffled them around before stacking them – was that book. As time went on, I began to doubt its power. It was only a coincidence that the man had died. No book could hold that much power. And yet..._

_I remember walking to the boxes, extracting the one I wanted, removing the book, and setting it on my desk. I didn't have a plan. I just had to see it again, touch it. Now that it was in front of me, all my fear came back. I hadn't noticed before, but it seemed to radiate power. I'm not sure how long I sat there, unmoving, unblinking, just watching the devil notebook. Finally, I opened it; carefully, with only the edge of one finger as if just by touching it I would be infected. There, staring me in the face was the name of the man who had died – who I had murdered. _

_I should have known when I woke up in my bed the next morning with the note returned to its box that something was wrong. But who would leap to the conclusion that there was a second person living inside their head? I assumed it was just exhaustion that caused me to forget what could only have been the amount of time it took to close the notebook and put it back in the closet. If only I'd realized then what was going on. _

_It didn't take long for me to realize something was going on. The news was covering it constantly. However, each time I went to get the death note out, I would wake up somewhere else. Sometimes it was just minutes. Sometimes it was hours. And then L joined the case against Kira, and I knew I had to do something to hide. So I pieced together what was going on, and together with whatever part of me that was using the notebook kept our secret. Against two geniuses, L didn't have a chance. _

Most people probably won't believe it, and I understand. Until it happened to me, I wouldn't have believed either. After all, how can one body have two different people living inside it? No matter what anyone says, Kira and I are not the same person. But as Doctor Lovell continually explained, an Alternate is no less real than the Host. Both want to live. Both want to have total control of the body. Sometimes Alternates and Hosts can get along, coexist peacefully. Sometimes, they even come to depend on each other for support. After all, each Alternate is created for a specific purpose, to deal with a specific aspect of everyday life. Sometimes though, in rare cases, the Host is afraid of an Alternate. But both want to live more than anything. Or they should want that…

I remember wishing to die. This wasn't the life I wanted, why should I bother to fight for it? My family had sent me away without a backward glance. No lover was waiting for me with bated breath – or no lover I actually cared about. The only person who did care only did so because he felt guilty. I had nothing and no one to fight for. Doctor Lovell literally saved my life.

_I had no idea how long I'd been sitting in that cell, locked with only myself for company. I later found out it had only been a few days, but it felt like an eternity. I spent the time looking at the white walls, counting threads until my eyes crossed, then starting over. I didn't dare think about anything, and every time my thoughts strayed, I bit my lip until it bled, the pain pulling me back to the moment. My meals arrived an indeterminable amount of time apart, a soggy mush shoved down my throat by a nurse. There was no fear of me choking on the liquid, even if I had the energy to attempt suicide. I didn't need to kill my body to die. All I had to do was do…nothing. _

_When a different set of footsteps entered my cell, I didn't bother to look up. I kept counting. '_1376…1377...' _Whoever it was said nothing and after a few steps ceased moving altogether. I ignored her until I forgot she was there. When she spoke, I was so shocked I forgot what number I was on. I looked at her with a blank expression and she repeated herself._

"_I am Doctor Lovell. What is your name?" It was stupid, she knew my name, or whatever name L had given for me. I tried to recall if any of the nurses ever called me anything, but I couldn't remember them addressing me at all. _

"_Light." I said, omitting a last name. I doubted my true last name had followed me from Japan. She seemed to accept that answer, because she knelt down beside me and put a comforting hand on my shoulder. I shuddered, wishing she wouldn't show me any kindness. I didn't deserve anything but contempt and hatred. Her face held neither. _

"_Would you mind telling me what happened over the past few months?" It was phrased as a question, but I knew it was a request. I swallowed my mouth dry. At first, no sound came out. With a movement of her hand, a nurse came in and gave me a sip of water that seemed to burn down my throat rather than soothe. I swallowed and spoke. It was hesitant at first, but by the time I made it to the end of the story, my voice no longer quivered. _

"_And then, anyone who touched Higuchi's Death Note started screaming, so L asked for it. He didn't scream, but he was distracted. Something in me reached for the black book, and the second I touched it, my mind went blank. I…I don't remember anything much after that. A few snapshots; my parents crying, sitting on a plane, then I woke up here." I tried to casually mention my family, and succeeded, though inside the memory of them was enough to cause me pain. My mother had been sobbing on the couch. My father was sitting tall beside her, wrapping an arm around her to pull her close when her sobs became too violent. Sayu sat on a chair alone. She wasn't crying, but I could see the pain on her face. I hated that I caused it. I would never forgive myself for defiling her world. Whatever my goal had been, hurting my baby sister was never on the agenda. _

_ The doctor didn't seem to notice that, and she moved on, pressing me on my motives for trying the book rather than turning it in or throwing it away. I tried to answer truthfully, but it was hard. I wasn't an open person, though I wasn't as closed as L. Eventually, over several sessions, she knew more about me than my own parents knew. I found that confiding in someone who wouldn't judge me was a welcome relief._

I knew L hated her, but I would have given up a long time ago without her. She dug through my past and made me focus on the passion that had once possessed me – my desire to be the best. She challenged me to fight for that. She pushed me through the darkest days of my life. But even she couldn't break away the chains holding me back. Then L came along, and he forced me to live again; he didn't give me a choice. I'm pretty sure he never even realized how close to letting go I was – still am in some ways. He never was as good at reading me as I am at reading him. But then, I've always been good at reading people. L's talents lean more toward reading patterns left behind by a person, not the person himself. Perhaps if he had, Kira would have been caught from the moment he laid eyes on me.

L can still surprise me sometimes. And sometimes I can't tell if he is sincere or just acting. I'm not used to people who act as well as I can. Perhaps that's why, even when I should have hated him and been afraid of him, I wanted nothing more than to be his confidante and friend. I never expected him to let me in even that far, let alone whatever we are now. I want to trust him when he says he cares about me, because if I know anything, it's that genuinely care about him, or more than care about him. But it's too hard to trust anyone when there's a second person whispering in my head, tearing me apart piece by piece.

'You love him, don't you, you worthless murderer._' If I'd been sitting on a chair or bed I would have fallen. As it was, I fell back against the wall, using it to catch myself before falling on my face. It was only my second day in a real room, and so my second day without my hands being secured. I clenched my fists, drawing blood before I forced myself to relax. I couldn't withdraw into myself, so I sat still, trying not to breathe or move a muscle. Just when I thought I was safe, that horrible whisper came back. '_You can't get rid of me, _Light-kun.' _

_My breathing came heavily, and I looked around the room in a vain hope that the voice wasn't inside my head. He sounded like snakes slithering through grass, sliding through my head, infecting every corner of brain. I was struck by the urge to claw at my hair, as if physical actions could get rid of him. I was sane enough to know that wouldn't do anything, so I settled for clenching my fists, digging almost nonexistent nails into my skin. _

'What's wrong, Light-kun?'_ I focused on the wall, wishing for the padding and therefore the thread counting that had kept me sane in my first few days. Instead I stared at one place until it began to blur, forcing my eyes to stay open as they dried out. '_You always were weak. You don't deserve to live.' _He was echoing my own thoughts, which made it hard to ignore him. He knew he was winning, because he pressed on, venom flowing through his voice as surely as if I'd been poisoned. '_L never liked you. He was using you. He never wanted to be stuck with you. Didn't you see the contempt in his face when you spoke? How did you not notice the way he looked away in disgust whenever you put yourself in his line of sight? And your parents…You broke your mother's heart. Your sister is embarrassed of you. She'll never speak of you again; never even miss you.' _I can't remember how long the attack went on, each word ripping away another chunk of my will to live. Only when L or Doctor Lovell came did I get a break, he slid back through the cracks in my mind to hide until we were left alone again. _

Doctor Lovell said it was a good sign when I started to become conscious of Kira's presence. It was just one step closer to Integration, which would finally and forever get rid of Kira. Of course, Kira had no desire for that, and he constantly reminded me how much stronger he was and is. When L accused me of trying to avoid my family, I didn't have the heart to tell him I really wanted to avoid the voice in my head. For some reason, Kira doesn't speak when I'm around L. If I wasn't so scared of Kira, I would ask why. Instead, I sought any reason not to be separated from my unknowing salvation. I was almost back to normal around him. L didn't argue at first, but then he noticed my odd behavior. If he had been better at reading people, he would have noticed before he even agreed to let me live at his house.

And so, when L decreed I had to be separated from him for a length of time, I wasn't angry; I didn't try to change his mind. Logically I knew he was doing this for my own good, but the part of me that was still not fully recovered couldn't stop the creeping thought that he just wanted to get rid of me. I spent the whole first day sitting in my room, whispering to myself words to the contrary. L cared about me. He said himself that even if I hadn't turned out to be Kira he would have taken me with him. We'd made love. Even L couldn't fake the emotions that had been expressed. Could he?

_Of course he could. _It wasn't until the sun was setting that the voice came back. _He feels guilty, that's all. He feels responsible for breaking you, and so he wants to make up for it. But look; he dumped you without a second thought as soon as he possibly could. He doesn't care about you at all. And can you blame him?_

"No." I whispered. I didn't have to speak out loud, but the word was more of a whimper anyway. A movement appeared in the corner of my eye, and I turned to face the bed from where I was sitting on the floor. I blinked and rubbed my eyes, but the person was still sitting on the bed. He stood slowly and there was no indentation on the bed to show he had ever been there. He was in my head. I tried to convince myself of that as he stalked closer to me. He knelt down so we were level. His features were so like my own, but there was a hardness in them that had no place on my face. I knew what L meant when he said the difference was in my eyes. Kira – or this projection of Kira – had eyes narrowed like slits. The iris was red, and I couldn't help but think of blood. His lips were a thin, fierce line in his face. His hair cast shadows on his harsh features, making them seem even more unnatural and angled. Like some demon pretending to be me.

_That's right, Light-kun. _It tried to look compassionate, but only succeeded in looking more demonic, pointed teeth showing in what was undeniably a smile. _And why? Tell me why he would never care about you? _

"I'm a murderer." I whispered, pressing myself further against the wall. I closed my eyes, willing the image away. He gave off no heat or odor, and yet I _felt_ his presence as if he were a real person. I opened my eyes and he was still there, leaning over me in a protective manner.

_That's right, Light-kun. _I hated hearing L's name for me from this monster, but I had no will to fight him. Everything he said was right. He was echoing my own thoughts. _But why else? Why else aren't you worth even a moment of his time?_

"I…" I didn't know the answer he was looking for. Wasn't murder bad enough? Had I overlooked a greater flaw hidden in myself?

_Do you think he wants someone as weak as you? You can't do anything right. Your whole life you've been one mess after another. You have no friends. No one wants to be friends with you. You try to get close, and they just push you away. _Kira reached out a long-fingered hand, setting it on my shoulder. I felt nothing, but I went cold when contact was made.

"I…I have no friends. No one would want to be my friend." I wasn't crying. No tears were necessary. This was only the truth.

_I'm your friend. _Kira said, whispering the word as he moved his hand from my shoulder to my cheek. _I will always look out for you. For us. Have I ever tried to hurt you? Have I ever done anything like _he_ did? He is using you to soothe his own conscience. You can only trust me. I'm the only one who cares about you. _

"You protect me." I felt myself drifting off to sleep, letting go of the careful control I'd maintained on my mind since I'd become aware of Kira. The monster leaned forward, pressing his lips against my forehead and I relaxed. Something inside me tried to rebel, but I was too far gone. I couldn't find an argument against Kira's cold logic. Everything he said was true. The world went dark, and I couldn't bring myself to care.


	25. Walking

**Miko: **Another one from Light. Since this story is primarily about his progression, and he and L are no longer in the same place, I have to write these. I have to admit, though, that I really enjoy writing the relationship between Light and Kira.

Sorry this one took so long. To be honest, I had no idea where the story was going. I found the sheet I made at the start of the story, and the actual path has veered so far away the ending I had planned will no longer work. I love to see how my ideas have changed, though. For instance, Kira was never supposed to speak to Light. At least some things managed to happen (Sayu's wedding for instance).

Anyway, enough of my rambling. Enjoy this chapter, and I'll try to get the next one out sooner.

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**Walking**

Light's POV

It was easier than I could have imagined to fall back into my old life. I fit in without trying, sliding into my spot in the family as if I'd just been away on vacation. At first I would catch my parents giving me side long glances that were a mix of pity and disgust, but soon they seemed to forget I had been gone at all. It was as if Kira didn't exist. But he did.

It was a different relationship we shared now. My mind gave him a physical form, though I knew he existed only inside me. He would sit on the bed beside me and talk to me as I fell asleep. His words were seldom kind or comforting, but they had a ring of truth about them in the way no one else would speak. There were no coddling or gentle lies to soothe the truth. His words alone could draw tears from my eyes, break me into pieces while at the same time gluing me back together.

_What do you want, Light-kun? _The question was familiar, as was the mocking tone it was spoken in. I was facing away from the cameras that had been found moments after being placed in the room. They gave fuel to the suspicions Kira whispered about L's mistrust.

"Nothing." I whispered softly. It was the wrong answer – it was always the wrong answer. I knew that, and yet still every night that's what my answer was. When it was no longer true then I would answer something else. As I knew it would, my response provoked the demon sitting beside me. He crouched down so our faces were inches apart and he bared his teeth, a strangely animal expression to see on a human.

_You want to be free from L._ Did I? I wasn't sure. The first few nights I had fought back, but each night my arguments got weaker and weaker. It had been two weeks now, and I couldn't remember why I had ever advocated for the detective. _Say it, Light._

"I want to be free from L." I whispered. There was no need for my lips to move for the conversation to take place. No one was in the room to respond. The only response was in my head. But I persisted in speaking out loud.

_Why? Why, Light-kun? _There was the tone of testing in his voice as he drew back, surveying me from above. I didn't look up at him, keeping my gaze straight at the wall in front of me. These words I knew. These I would speak by heart, part of our sick ritual.

"He doesn't care about me." I said. "He feels guilty. He deserves to feel guilty. He deserves to die." I fought back a shudder at my silent whisper. My counterpart shuddered, but his was of pleasure, not fear.

_That's right, Light. _He said, smiling down at me. He was almost beautiful when his face wasn't contorted by hatred and rage. It was the only time he looked remotely human. _He doesn't care about you at all. Not like me. I care about you. _

"Why did you try to kill me, then?" I asked, sitting up. I pulled my legs up to my chest, taking care to keep my face angled away from the camera so L couldn't see my lips move. This was the first night I'd questioned my alter ego. He didn't look pleased about it, but he wasn't yet to his breaking point. I would recognize that point when it came.

_I didn't know what was going on. _Kira said, keeping his perch on the edge of the bed. _If I had, we could have worked together from the start. We would be unstoppable by now. Even gods can make mistakes, Light-kun. _It was strange to hear the arrogant man apologize, I thought, even as I realized he hadn't actually sounded sorry. He sounded like he was humoring a child.

_But it isn't too late, Light-kun. We can still create our perfect world. And this time, we can make it together. Together. _I nodded, accepting his words. Perhaps part of me questioned him, but the part grew smaller and smaller every day. It was so easy to just listen to him. And he was so truthful, using his words to lure me in the way I could use my whole body. And after all, he hadn't tried to take control away from me at all since we'd started speaking.

"Together." I echoed his words, lying back down to continue our routine. He didn't want to stick to the script, apparently. Because he lay down facing me, inches away from me. As always, his movement didn't shift the bed even a hair. We lay there, looking into a mirror, for hours it felt like before he broke the silence again.

_You're thinking about him aren't you? _I didn't have to ask who 'him' was. I also didn't need to deny it. _You still love him even though he tossed you aside. You're worthless; pathetic. _He continued talking, his voice gradually building so he was shouting. He stood up and started pacing, stopping every few cycle to bend over me.

I fell asleep to his shouting. If he'd been a physical person, he may have slapped me, or pushed me so I had bruises that could been seen. Instead, my bruises were on my spirit. And yet during the day I could pretend everything was normal. During the day, Kira stood beside me and encouraged me, never leaving me alone.

I can't remember whose idea it was to go on a walk the first time, but I know that Kira turned it into a way to escape from the cameras. The first night, I made my excuses to my parents and went outside before they could remember that I was supposed to be under surveillance. The walks started as innocent things, and they were never more than ten minutes and I never lost sight of my house. Then they started to get longer.

I thought it was an accident the first time we ran into Misa. She was sitting on a park bench dressed up in a black wig and a school girl outfit. I wouldn't have recognized her except for the notebook she was holding in her hand. I stopped dead in my tracks, standing still for I don't know how long. Kira stood beside me silently. He didn't look nearly surprised enough, and his patience was suspicious, but I was too terrified to remark on that. Before I could run, she was headed towards me, black hair bouncing with each step.

"Light!" She wrapped her arms around me and I found myself hugging her back. Kira was smiling over her shoulder and I couldn't bring myself to be mad at her. "I knew you'd come back for me, Light." She was all smiles and with her in my arms I could almost forget L. Almost, but not quite.

"Hello, Misa." I said, carefully extracting myself from her. She twined her fingers in mine and leaned against me. I hated myself for it, but it was comfortable walking with her. Of course, with her around I couldn't speak out loud to Kira, but since my alter ego wasn't answering anyway, it didn't matter. "How are you?"

"Misa-Misa knew you were just joking about L." She said.

"I wasn't joking, Misa." I said, forsaking the familiar comfort of Misa to pull myself away from her. "I thought he cared about me. And I never did want to hurt you. But…I don't love you." My head was suddenly pounding, aching. Kira looked furious; I'd never seen him so angry. But I pushed on. Outside, with people around, I wasn't as completely under his spell as when we were alone in my room.

"Don't be silly, Light." She said, deciding to respect my physical limits. She just smiled up at me, and I found myself pitying her. "You're both boys. That would be…My Light wouldn't do something like that." Her eyes seemed to ask a question, and I took a step back.

"I have to go, Misa. I shouldn't be out here anyway." I refused to run away, but my speed increased with every step and before I realized it I was back in my room closing the door and leaning against the wall for support. Kira was sitting in his customary spot on the bed, seeming to look down at me even though I was standing. He didn't dare speak yet; I wouldn't answer while I was facing the cameras. I still had that much control at least. I clung to it, dragged the moment out as long as possible. It was only a few minutes, and they only made him even angrier, but it was my small way of deifying him.

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**A/N: **I forgot a few things before. I hope you all have a great Christmas(or whatever holiday you celebrate). My birthday is the 26th so I probably wont update until after then.

In other news, I'm co-writing a story with the amazing Insanity-Realm. It's called 'Once Upon a Time,' and it's a LxLight story as well. I'm the co-author from the 6th chapter. Check it out if you've got time. (:


	26. Sideways Glances

**Miko: **Happy New Year! Uhm...Yeah. The story is reaching the climax shortly. Only three chapters left(I believe, I don't have my paper with me right now). On the other hand, we're back to L's PoV.

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**Sideways Glances**

The changes were gradual, and by the end of the month I was by no means a changed man. I did not suddenly feel the desire to get the required nine hours of sleep a night. Nor did I decide to include something other than sugar in my diet. But Doctor Lovell decreed our sessions were concluded. She would call once a month for a few months, then once every other month, until our contact was ended. She did not seem surprised that my progress was substantially quicker than the average person. We both knew I was far from average, just as Light was.

Light was another matter to turn my attention to. From the monitors he gave every appearance of having slipped back into his life seamlessly. While my attention was directed toward myself, I failed to notice anything wrong with his actions. However, after observing him for a few days I knew that the change I had feared – and on some level expected – had taken place. I didn't need to pull out the old video surveillance to notice the difference in his voice and the way he moved was identical to when he was chained to me.

It was a subtle difference, almost imperceptible. Absolutely imperceptible to someone who wasn't looking for it, but it was there in the tightness around his eyes and the carefully controlled movements. In fact, it was imperceptible to me until I noticed something Light mentioned at dinner.

"So why do you think L values your opinion?" Soichiro asked, filling a void in the conversation. Light froze for a moment, glancing to the side as he was prone to do. It was almost as if he was looking for approval from someone, but of course no one was there. He finished chewing before answering. It also gave him time to send a lingering glance to the surveillance cam that, once he had spoken, I knew wasn't an accident.

"Because there are things I'm better at." Light was never modest, but this outright statement made me pay attention. Sure enough, his mother asked him what he was better at.

"I can read people." He said simply. "L is brilliant, yes. But whatever his past, he has no experience in reading body language and tone as I do. Of course, obvious changes are one thing, but he doesn't see the subtle clues like I do." I thought back to my observation on the difference between Light and Kira. Hadn't I proven I could tell the difference between the two? I knew Kira wasn't in control of Light – his eyes were still expressive, and as he spoke he changed his tone and made subtle hand gestures. "He would never notice a nervous habit," he smiled softly. "Or a brief moment's worry," he took a deep breath. "Together we complete each other. He sees patterns in unrelated actions, and I can find motives in seemingly innocent criminals. Not to say that I don't see patterns, and he can't read criminals."

It was the longest speech Light had made since his return to his home, and even though he addressed his father except for the brief glance in my direction, I knew the monologue was for me. That's what made me pull out the old footage and examine them more closely. With Light's not-so-subtle hint, I saw what I had missed before.

Kira was never in control, that I would have noticed right away, but neither was Light entirely himself. From the files I read on Light's disorder, I came to the only logical conclusion – Kira and Light were now able to communicate.

I also noticed that at night, and sometimes randomly in the middle of the day, Light would position himself in a spot where the cameras couldn't see his face. However, he made sure to leave his body in the path, and I saw how he hunched his shoulders. Sometimes it even looked like he was crying. Now that I'd noticed, it was obvious.

It also made his innocent walks seem not so innocent. He was never gone for more than fifteen minutes, seldom for more than five or ten, but I had no surveillance on the street outside his house, and any number of people could meet him while he was out.

I decided my experiment was complete and it was time to go visit Light. I couldn't be completely detached and say the only reason was because the change I'd expected had happened. I found myself missing Light. It was yet another new experience for me. People came and went in my life, but I never felt any pain at their leaving. Even knowing I would see him again in a few weeks; parting from Light had been difficult. Doctor Lovell had smiled when I admitted that. When I pressed for the reason that news made her glad, she refused to elucidate and had gone on, once again, to try and get me to put words to my feelings for Light.

"Hello, Light-kun." I was waiting just down the block from Light's house in the direction his parents said he went most often. He stopped in his tracks when he saw me, glancing beside himself nervously. Beside him, but not the same side that he'd glanced at, was a familiar figure, though today she was sporting a brunette cut instead of her normal blonde, and had on glasses that I knew she didn't need.

"Misa." I inclined my head, letting no emotion show in my face. I wasn't nearly as surprised as I should have been, but that wasn't to say I was at all pleased by this strange twist in my plans. Only Light could manage to think of something I hadn't planned for – or was it Kira who'd arranged this? It didn't matter, because Light's features were stained red with guilt.

"H…hello, L." Light said, a smile tilting his lips but not reaching his eyes. It was remarkable restraint on his companions part that she didn't speak, but stood to the side and watched our exchange.

"May I join you?" I asked calmly. Light's eyes darted to the side again before settling on me again. He nodded and took a step forward.

"I'll see you tomorrow, Light?" Misa asked hesitantly, still unsure what her position in this strange triangle was.

"Join us now." I said, taking a position where Misa was between us. She relaxed visibly and smiled up at Light, who was looking straight ahead, uncomfortable. I led us in a full circle until we ended in front of Light's house. No one had spoken, despite Misa's attempts to break the silence. She was obviously still angry with me, because all her comments were toward Light.

"You never told me I couldn't talk to her." Light said, his tone defensive. Misa was gone, and we had been standing in silence for several moments before Light spoke. "You wanted me to go back to normal. You abandoned me."

I regarded him in calm silence for a moment, shocked to know that he really did believe I had abandoned him. He seemed like a different person, with the darkness that drew across his face. "Did Kira tell you that?" I asked.

"It's true." He said, not answering my question. "It doesn't take a genius to figure it out."

"I would not abandon, Light-kun." I said. "If that had been my goal, I would have left you with Doctor Lovell." Now wasn't the time to tell him that I'd been speaking with the Psychiatrist.

"Who knows what you think, L." He spat. I looked desperately for a glimpse of Kira, but it was only Light. "Send me back to the insane asylum. Send me to prison. But I'll get out again. No judge will be able to convict me. Doctor Lovell said she would testify for me. I may never be allowed to live a normal life, but I won't be put to death. I don't need you to save me, L. I don't _want_ you to save me."

"I will not send Light-kun back to the insane asylum." I said, trying to puzzle out his aim. Part of me was hurt, the small part that acknowledged emotions, but the larger part of me was intrigued. He did not say that his feelings toward me had changed; just that he wanted me to leave. As far as I was aware, he still cared about me. From the tears running down his cheeks, I was certain that I was right.

"Then get away from me!" He shouted. He glanced over his shoulder to see if his parents had heard, but the door didn't open. When he spoke again it was in a normal tone. "There's no reason for you to stick around so long other than guilt. You feel bad that you hurt me. But it wasn't your fault. You didn't make me write in the Death Note. You didn't drop it out of the sky in front of me. I'm the only one at fault here. So for everyone's sake; leave. Get back to your life."

"Fine." I said, shoving my hands in my pockets. Light relaxed visibly, sending another glance beside him. How had I not noticed that before? How had I been blind to it for three and a half weeks on the camera. "But it's late. I'll leave first thing in the morning." With that, I strode toward his house. I heard his heavy footsteps behind me after a moment's pause.

"What are you doing?" He asked, falling into step beside me.

"I will be staying here." I said. "I have checked out of the hotel I was last at. Therefore I require lodging. Rather than inconvenience Wammy, I will simply request to stay with you for the night. Unless that is a problem?" I tilted my head at him in time to see his eyes dart sideways again. He clenched his jaw but nodded.

"Fine."


	27. Beauty in the Breakdown

**Miko: **This took longer than I had planned. My computer has been dead, combined with having to get up every four hours day and night to give my horse medicine, and my first three weeks of class, I haven't had time to do anything. Anyway, I did something different with this chapter. One more chapter, then perhaps an epilogue? I haven't decided if this should have a happy or a sad ending. Hmmm...? If I go with a happy ending, there will be a sequel where they solve L's case. The sequel will only be about five chapters, though. If not...well, there obviously won't be a need for a sequel. You'll see.

**Disclaimer: **I don't own the characters of Death Note. I also don't own the title- it's from a song by Dido.

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**Beauty in the Breakdown**

**L's PoV**

The conversation with Light's parents was brief. I did not mention the deal I'd made with Light, and Light made no move to say anything either. He stood behind me the entire time, so I was unable to see his reaction to my words. He couldn't have shown much because his parents didn't even glance at him. I followed Light upstairs, entering his room silently as he closed the door behind us.

"Do not let me interfere with your normal routine." I said, perching on the bed and watching his exasperated expression as he sat beside me. We said nothing, just sitting in silence for hours. I amused myself squaring the square of each number, starting with two. _2, 4, 16, 256, 65,536…. _When I reached the point it was difficult to keep the numbers in my head, I went back and started with three, then five, then six. I would not break the silence first. Light, it seemed, was equally determined not to be the first to speak. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw his lips move quickly and erratically. I couldn't determine what he was saying by watching them, and he never uttered a single sound out loud.

I hated the uncomfortable silence that had fallen between us. I could feel Light's tension though our bodies were separated by several inches. When we were working on the Kira case together, chained together every hour of the day and night, there had been multiple periods where neither felt the need to speak. Sometimes those stretches had lasted days, but they had never felt as charged as this. I refused to show my discomfort, and Light was doing the same. It couldn't last, though, and one of us had to speak.

I knew we'd reached a turning point in our relationship, whatever convoluted relationship we had. Sitting there, on a bed with Light, I wasn't able to think about anything except the boy next to me and everything we had been through.

To say I hadn't liked him at first would have been an understatement. I had underestimated his intelligence, even after I'd seen the test scores. Someone that beautiful couldn't possibly be a worthy opponent for me. I'd gone into our confrontation over confident, certain I would get proof of his guilt before the day was up. But he was careful, calculating every move and every word. I had to admit a grudging respect.

By the time Light volunteered himself to be imprisoned I was determined to prove him guilty. Respect did not equal friendship. This was still a case and Light was still my number one suspect. He was my only suspect, and I was seldom wrong. All I needed was enough evidence to convict him. I couldn't figure out the game he was playing, but still, I was confident that I would come out on top.

It wasn't until I decided to chain him to me that I began to see him as more than a suspect. He was bright and dedicated to solving the case. I began to think of him as a friend and possible ally, something I'd never had before. Every quality that I'd held against him now seemed to make me like him more. I found that I was not as immune to his charisma as I'd thought. In fact, I seemed to have less resistance than the rest of the task force. I had the strength not to show it, at least.

And then he'd broken. I watched him shatter to pieces before me, and I was powerless to help. Was I? Would I have helped if I'd seen anything I could possibly have done? Light was still a suspect, and I was still the detective trying to solve the case. He was my friend, yes, but I was a professional. And at that time, he was only on his way to becoming a friend. I didn't realize the depth of my feelings for him. Perhaps I still didn't.

* * *

**Light PoV**

I was conflicted, sitting there beside L in the silence. I wanted to hit him; inflict on him the pain he had caused me. Pain I hadn't even been aware he'd been inflicting until Kira opened my eyes to it. At the same time I wanted to turn to him; to cling to him, confessing everything. But I wouldn't allow myself to show that weakness, even to him. Especially to him.

I'd tried so hard to win him over in the early days. I had calculated my every moment to gain his trust, the infamous and reclusive detective who I'd always admired. Every day it had gotten harder to feign my desire to be his friend. His habits annoyed me; from his insomnia to his sugar addiction to his lack of hygiene. He was everything I wasn't.

Perhaps the dislike I'd felt so intensely came in part from Kira. I certainly couldn't tell, but it was disturbing to think that even then he had that much influence over me. Did I only think I loved him now? Was Kira using me as L had?

_No cheating, Light-kun. _Kira was sitting his in perch on the edge of the bed, calmly surveying the two of us. I was silently pleading for Kira to answer, but the other man said nothing illuminating. _You're moving your lips. Your boyfriend is going to notice._

My fist clenched at the tone in Kira's voice when he spoke of L. I tried to speak to my alternate without moving my lips. I didn't want L to think I was crazy. No matter what I felt toward L – love? hate? – I valued his opinion and had come to depend on it.

_You don't love him, Light._ Kira said, sneering. _Remember all he's done to you. He's using you. Feeding you lies to suit his own sick game. A game he won't even tell you he's playing. But he doesn't love you._

'He does.' I hissed. I didn't think I'd spoken aloud, but something must have passed my lips because L glanced over curiously but said nothing. I repeated myself silently, wishing I could hurt Kira. Kira, in response to my anger, stood and walk toward L, sneering at the oblivious detective.

_Has he said it?_ There was no need for me to answer. We both knew he hadn't. _He is incapable of love. Why else hasn't he said it? You are worth more. _I hated the anger Kira's words stirred in me. I couldn't deny the truth in them. Even as I poised myself to answer, I knew it was a futile argument. Kira would win, as he had won every argument we'd had since L left us here.

_Don't worry, Light-kun. _Kira said, leaning over now, his face inches from L's. L was still just sitting there, staring straight through Kira as though he couldn't see the ghastly version of me. I wondered, briefly, why L couldn't see Kira. He'd seen my alternate while he was in control of me. How could I love someone so blind they couldn't even see what was right in front of their face. Or maybe L could see Kira. Maybe he was refusing to acknowledge the demon staring at him. That would be more like L.

'I'm not worried.' I said stubbornly, trying to rein in my emotions. It was hard, too hard, to separate the love and the hate I felt towards both the men in the room.

_Soon it will all be over, koibito_. Hearing those words from his lips sent a shiver down my spine. But from pleasure or pain I couldn't tell. Everything was too muddled. My once brilliant intellect had been clouded over. I knew I had a decision to make – Kira? L? – But at that moment, they both turned toward me and their faces blended into one.

* * *

**Kira's PoV**

L should not have been an issue. He should have been long dead, along with Light, my naive host. If everything had gone as planned, L and Light would have died at the same time and Misa and I would be invincible. My poor, sweet Misa. If I was capable of love, I would love her. As it was, I considered her as close to my equal as any human ever could be. Her sense of justice, her intelligence which had been hidden at first, but I realized that was only because she was afraid, and her physical beauty are nearly perfect. And she had the Eyes. I hadn't lied to her when I promised she would stand by my side in my new world.

What I valued most in her was her sense of determination. She alone had found me. Where even L had failed, this lone girl had succeeded in only days. That had terrified me at first, and I considered disposing of her. But then she proved her loyalty. Another trait I valued. As long as she saw me as her friend, her lover, she was mine.

Of course I had no desire for her flesh. Physical intimacy disgusts me. But I could pretend. I would kiss her with just enough intensity for her to believe me. Run my hands along her body in ways that sent chills down her spine and blinded her to the lack of interest in my eyes. She clung to every false word as though it was gold. We all had a flaw. Her lust for me was hers.

Seeing her was, perhaps, a mistake on my part. I'm not too vain to admit it, though L would think I am. I longed for company of my choosing after so long with Light, L and that insufferable Doctor Lovell as my only companions. Even a god needs his ego boosted every so often, especially after so many months of being surrounded by people who loathed my very existence.

The knowledge that I was created by a defense mechanism of someone's mind bothered me at first. I was a unique entity not some copy that only existed in the back of someone's mind. I had such limited control over a body that wasn't even my own. Yes, my image of myself was similar to the body I inhabited, but it was fundamentally different. The physical body was weak. It had a desire to be held, caressed, _loved_ by others like it.

But then something changed. As Light grew weaker and I grew stronger, I came to love the body. It could become my own. No, it _would_ become my own. That moment had been so close I could almost taste it, and then by a complete accident, it had been yanked away from me. Now I was back in the driver's seat, so to say. I could feel the freedom just a few steps away. Only two things were standing in my way, and soon, so soon, they wouldn't be.

My conversations with Light broke his will, shattered his mind, decimated the control he had over his emotions. And god, was he beautiful. It was during those times that I considered letting him live. It was a euphoric feeling, building Light up and tearing him down. I could survive on those moments that he lost all hope. He was so heartbreakingly gorgeous for a brief shining moment.

It was a scripted performance. I played the dragon and Light, the damsel in distress. But in this story, there would be no hero to come to the rescue, because this dragon had blinded the hero, and convinced the damsel that it was the dragon who wanted to help. And the silly little damsel had bought every word the dragon spoke.

It was almost a shame that the ending was so close. I didn't have the time to drag it out any longer. That first time it had been beautiful. The ending would have been tragic and public. Oh, this ending would be just as public, and perhaps some would consider it just as tragic. But this time it would be messy. I would have to dirty my hands this time around. And then I would have to clean up after myself, killing two people who really shouldn't have been involved. I would mourn for them when the time came, just as I mourned for every innocent in the story – Naiomi Misora who simply had the misfortune of being in the wrong place at the wrong time, Raye Penbar and the rest of the FBI agents along with countless others. But while I mourned for them, I slept well knowing they had given their lives to bring in an era of peace in an otherwise chaotic world.

Just being around L seemed to revitalize Light's desire to live so it took longer than I'd planned to drag him back down to the place I needed him for the next act that was about to unfold. I chose my words carefully, adding the right intonating at just the right time and Light became putty in my hands. I saw the moment he broke, filtering all his love into hate. His hate was beautiful, washing over me in waves. He hated me. He hated L. He hated himself. It didn't matter who he hated, as long as I could direct it as I wanted to.

_Do you want to end this?_ I asked, ghosting around to his side of the bed and lifting a hand to gently run an insubstantial finger down the side of his face. _You know how to end this, Light-kun. There can only be one ending. Unless…unless you're too weak? _It was the tone of mocking that pushed him over the edge. His lip raised in a snarl so similar to my own. I almost couldn't remember why I wanted him gone.

"L, do you love me?"


	28. Shattered

**Miko: **Here we go. The final chapter. There will be an epilogue which will explain the missing scene in this chapter. Also, I have the entire sequel planned out, and would love a Beta Reader for it. If you're interested, please send me a PM, or leave it in a review and I'll PM you. **The wonderful ElizabellaLight has volunteered to beta for me! Thank you so much everyone who was interested. ** Just...yeah. It will be called **Illumination_. _**So keep an eye out for it!

* * *

**Shattered**

_"L, do you love me?"_

Light's words hung in the air, an unspoken challenge behind them. So much depended on the answer I gave, but no answer would be sufficient to quell the storm I saw in Light's eyes. I recognized several emotions there – anger, hatred – but it was the fear and insecurity that made me hesitate. I needed to tell him the truth. I couldn't lie to him.

"I don't know." I said. Never before had it been so hard to keep my tone neutral. "Light-kun knows that I care for him." I bit my thumb, the only sign that I was anxious for his reaction. Light seemed to consider my words for a moment, balancing them against whatever lie Kira had made him believe. For a brief moment I thought he would accept them, but I knew nothing with Light could be that easy. I just hoped it was worth it and that my trust wasn't misplaced.

"How do I know that?" He snarled, pushing himself away from me. "You're playing a game with me. I know you are. But what's the game? What are the rules?" He shook his head, golden hair obscuring his features. It was dangerous, then. If I couldn't see his face, I couldn't read him. If I couldn't read him, I didn't know how far I could push before he broke completely. From his words, I gathered that he was even further gone then I'd thought.

"Light-kun?" I asked, leaning back and watching him carefully. He spun away, unfurling his limbs as he started stalking around the room. There was something distinctly feline about him, the way his muscles contracted and expanded in a smooth rhythm that gave me the impression he could attack at any moment. If he wasn't so terrifying, he would be beautiful.

"Don't talk to me, L!" He shouted, turning toward me. His face almost made it look like he was in pain. "I love you! I love you and you betrayed me!" He broke down to sobs, falling to his knees and leaning against the wall for support.

"How did I betray you?" I asked. He looked up sharply, eyes narrowing. I repeated the question once more, hoping to get to the root of the lies Kira had spoken. I was tempted to get up and walk toward him, but something made me stay in place. "Tell me how you think I have betrayed you."

"You used me. You…you used me." He could say nothing other than that, repeating the words over and over as if by saying them he could come to believe them.

"How have I used you?" I broke down and approached him slowly, as if he were a wild animal. "Light-kun?"

"Get away!" He said, launching himself at me. We fell in a tangle of limbs, Light on top. He clawed at me, digging nails into my arms and shaking me. I could have fought back – I almost did – but it wouldn't have mattered. Light wasn't himself, and if I'd defended myself I would have lost any chance in getting him to believe me.

I still could lose him. His grip on reality had been broken, a fact made obvious by the wild look in his eyes. I found the possibility of a world without Light to be terrifying. Had I waited too long? Had I, once again, overestimated my ability to read the situation? I wouldn't give up until my last breath. I wouldn't have another chance if I did.

"Light-kun." I said. He growled, changing his grip to my neck. It hurt more than I had ever expected. I was always safe, sitting behind my computer screens. My eyes met his in a silent plea and his narrowed. In the glow from the dark room they looked almost red. The world faded away, narrowing to those two points of light until they were all I could see.

My vision swam, obscuring even his features though they were less than a foot from my face. I could feel my pulse pounding, feeling fighting against the grip he kept on me. I closed my eyes, willing him to stop. Willing him to fight back against Kira's twisted logic.

"Why aren't you fighting back?" He yelled. "You're supposed to fight back!" His grip loosened for a moment, and I drew in a deep breath, coughing as my constricted windpipe opened again. "Fight back!"

"No." I said my voice hoarse. "I won't." He fell back as if my words hurt him. He was in the corner, pressing himself back and looking at his hands as if seeing them for the first time. He was sobbing and muttering something over and over. I pushed myself up and walked toward him slowly.

"I'm sorry…I'm sorry…" I sat up, rubbing my raw neck. My breathing was hoarse; the only sound in the room besides Light's frantic chanting. I closed my eyes, fighting to keep the fear under control. I forced myself to approach Light, dropping down so I was crouching in front of him.

"It's okay, Light-kun." I whispered, still aware of the danger he presented. He could still snap at any moment, launching in an attack to finish what he had started before. He looked up at me, eyes stained with tears. My heart broke for him. I wanted to comfort him, but knew he couldn't handle it.

"This isn't me, L." Light whimpered. "I want to die. I don't recognize myself anymore. What happened to me?" His gaze was so trusting that I rocked back slightly.

"Listen to me, Light-kun." I said, gathering up my strength. "You can overcome this. You will. I will not abandon you." It was the right words, because Light looked slightly less lost.

"Thank you, L." He whispered. "I…I love you. Even if you don't love me. I need to tell you that."

"I never said I didn't love you." I said, amused. I took my eyes off him for a moment, glancing to the side. Something contacted the side of my face and everything went dark.

* * *

"L! L!" Light's voice broke through the darkness and I blinked my eyes open slowly. The room I was in was white, and the lights overhead were blaring.

"You…punched me?" It was a question. I couldn't remember what had happened. Light had been the only one in the room so he had to be the one responsible for my current state.

"I didn't." Light said. "Kira did." He was sitting close to me and I saw no sign of madness behind his eyes. In fact…I couldn't remember seeing him looking so good since before I'd burned Higuchi's Death Note.

"What happened, Light-kun?" I asked. The side of my head felt tender, but I didn't think I'd lost any blood.

"Well…It's complicated." He said slowly. "I'm not sure I fully understand it." I saw what he really meant – he didn't want to talk about it – and decided not to push. The pounding in my head also distracted me from questioning him further.

"How long?" I asked, sitting up and drawing my legs to my chest. Light chuckled at my actions and answered automatically.

"Two days. We're in the hospital." He said, shifting nervously. "I know I was…I just wanted to say…"

"Light-kun was not himself." I said. He turned towards me and I couldn't help the panic that overwhelmed me momentarily. The monitors betrayed my unconscious reaction and Light flinched. A shadow passed over his features, but it was only hurt, no darker emotion. "How are you now?"

"I should ask you that." He said, shaking his head.

"I'm fine, considering I probably have a concussion." I gazed at Light expectantly. He ducked his head before giving an answer.

"I'm still confused." He admitted. "But…I'm better. Kira…Kira's gone." There was no question behind his words, only assurity. "I don't know how I know but…He is." I realized that's what Light didn't want me to question about before. He still didn't want to say any more, as he suddenly turned away. "I have to call the nurse now that you're awake."

When the nurse arrived Light slipped out, but I saw him hovering outside. It never occurred to me not to let him out of my sight. Something had changed in the days I'd been asleep. He didn't look uncomfortable in his skin anymore. He seemed…relaxed…in a way he had never been in all the time I knew him. I imagined this must be what he was like before. With that realization, I felt another sharp stab of panic. Would Light want to stay with me now that he was back to normal? There was no reason for him to. And why would he? He was young, brilliant, beautiful. I was reclusive, not good looking by any standards. The only thing I had on my side was intelligence, but Light could get so much more.

"What's wrong?" Light came back in, standing tall as he turned to watch the nurse leave. She had said nothing, and I couldn't tell what the diagnosis was from her expressionless face. Light turned to me.

"Will you go back to your parents house?" I asked, feigning disinterest. Light frowned, as if considering his answer.

"I can't, can I?" He asked, eyes searching my face for the answer. I shrugged, wincing as the movement jarred my head.

"If it is what you prefer." I said. "Doctor Lovell will have to put you through several tests, but I'm confident that she will declare you sane. You were never formally charged, as the evidence was circumstantial. Your confession can simply be attributed to severe stress from working on the case and a result of my constant suspicion."

"So…I can go back to school? I can have a normal life?" He couldn't hide the thrill in his voice as he spoke the words. I saw hope come back to his face making him, if anything, even more beautiful. His beauty hurt, knowing that it was caused by the thought of leaving me.

"I will make the necessary calls as soon as I am able." Even I could hear the pain in my voice and I deadened it. Light looked at me cautiously.

"What about you?" He asked.

"I am used to living alone." I said simply. I couldn't let him know how devastated I was. For a brief moment I had let myself be happy, but some part of me knew it couldn't last.

"So…that's it, then?" He asked, rocking back. "You'll make the calls and then you'll get rid of me?" I felt like I was missing something, but through the pain I couldn't decide what it was.

"You will have to return to England to meet with Doctor Lovell. But yes, that is it." Light frowned.

"So Kira really was right, wasn't he?" He asked. "You never did care about me. I always thought I was a better judge of people than that. How stupid of me, to think you loved me. I'll wait outside the room." He held up his hands in mock innocence. "But don't worry, I'll make sure you can see me so you know I don't try to escape. Not like I'd need to since you seem to be doing all you can to get rid of me." I couldn't speak for a moment, watching Light's retreating figure.

"Light-kun does not wish to stay here?" I asked, knowing he could hear me. He turned around, just outside the door.

"Of course not!" He said. "I'd like to have my old life back, but if I had a choice, I would always choose you. I love you." There was no reservation in his features, then. He took a few steps towards me, a question in his face.

"I think…" I tried to find the words. "I love you too, Light-kun." He smiled, closing the distance between us quickly. His lips crashed against mine, demanding and gentle at the same time. I closed my eyes, savoring Light's unique taste as he deepened the kiss, snaking an arm around my neck. He pulled away and our eyes met for a moment before I leaned forward. This time it was my turn to take control, eliciting a low moan that turned to one of frustration as the arrival of a new person in the room forced me to draw back.

"Koibito." He said, a new inflection to the word as his lips twisted up into half a smile.

"I love you."


	29. Epilogue

**Miko: **Once again I want to just thank everyone who has put up with me through this story. This chapter is dedicated to those who complained(and rightly so) about my chickening out of Chapter 20. As such, I must include a warning: **THIS CHAPTER IS RATED M. **If you'd like a clean version, just send me a PM and I'll get it to you.

Also, I've rewritten Chapter 20 and deleted the separate story it was posted under. So the actual chapter in this story now contains the lemon scene.

Another huge thank you goes to the amazing ElizabellaLight who beta'd this chapter, and has agreed to put up with me through the sequel. So check back for that in the next few weeks.

**Disclaimer: **I own nothing you recognize.

**WARNING: **This chapter is rated a hard M. Do not read if you are uncomfortable with that. Please note that the rating of the story has changed accordinly.

* * *

**Epilogue**

"I do have work to do, Light-kun." I said, looking up at the auburn haired man currently straddling me. "And didn't you mention a paper due in one of your classes next week?" Light's response was to capture my lips with his own, running his tongue over my bottom lip insistently until he was granted access. I felt him smile as my breath hitched and he pressed his leg between mine, grinding just enough to tease. He pulled away, smirking down at me.

"You're right. I do have work to do." He made to shift his weight off, but I tangled my legs in his, flipping him over and reversing our positions. "Are you trying to corrupt me?" He asked, his breathing mingling with my own. It was my turn to smirk and control the kiss. He responded hungrily, pouting when I pulled away.

"I believe you are the one corrupting me," I said as he slid his hands under my shirt. Whatever else I had planned to say left my mind as his fingers traced up the front of my chest, teasing a moan from my lips. Light took advantage of my distraction to pull my shirt over my head and, once again, take control. I put up no fight as he once again took the top position.

"I'm just," He started with the side of my lip, trailing kisses to my neck. "An innocent," He moved lower, tongue flicking over my left nipple in a way that sent warmth to my already aching groin. "University student." He looked up at me, smirking at my loss of control as his hands slipped below the waist of my pants. He ran his hands over the outside of my boxers, teasing my already sensitive erection.

"Light-kun…" I said, clenching the sheets. "Please." I lifted my hips, helping him pull my pants and boxers off.

"What do you want, koibito?" He asked, an undertone to his voice that made me shiver. "Say it."

"Take me. Please," I whispered, his lips so close I could feel his breath on my throbbing cock. "Make me come." I struggled to hold still as his lips enveloped my length. He start slow, one hand holding my shaft to keep my hips from bucking. As he increased the speed, I felt the last shreds of my control start to fade away. "I…I can't…" My breath was coming in ragged gasps and Light's hand replaced his mouth, finally giving me release. I lay there for a moment, basking in the aftermath of the orgasm.

Light kissed me gently, his thumbs circling my nipples, arousing me all over again. I pulled his shirt up, breaking our kiss long enough to get rid of the article of clothing. I ran my hands down his chest, looping my fingers in his pants and tugging them down. He helped, pushing them down quickly. I felt his erection against my thigh.

"I want you in me," I said, grabbing the lube from the nightstand and pouring it in my hand. I wrapped my hand around his shaft, teasing him as I prepared him. "Now." I let him turn me over, forcing myself to relax as he entered me. He went slow at first, letting me adjust to his weight. Then he started moving, in and out, building a rhythm that I matched with my hips. We came at the same time, falling back to the bed to lie in contentment.

"Have I told you how much I love you?" He said kissing me softly.

"I believe it's come up," I said, pointedly glancing down. He laughed, pressing a hand on my chest and pushing back.

"And I thought I was the horny college student." He got out of bed, heading to the shower. "Come and clean up." His smirk was enough to draw me from the bed as soon as I heard the shower turn on.

When I got in the bathroom, he was already standing under the flow of water, eyes closed. I slipped in, wrapping my arms around him and resting my chin on his shoulder. My hands moved in slow circles on his chest, and he chuckled, a rumble deep in his throat.

"Not again," He said, turning to face me. "We both have work to do." A half hour later, we left the shower, reluctantly pulling clothes on. Since we'd made it back to England, it seemed that we spent most of our time without any clothes on. I knew Light was using sex to avoid talking about what had happened that night, but I couldn't resist him. It was strange, still, to be so under his influence. He had swiftly passed any barriers I had left. I couldn't imagine my life without him. Still…I wanted him to tell me what had happened. I knew we couldn't truly be happy until he did, but I couldn't force him to talk. Whenever I brought it up, he withdrew into himself or avoided it by tugging me toward the bedroom.

"We need to talk." Light's voice broke through my thoughts and I looked up. He was wearing black sweatpants and a white t-shirt and looking sexier than he had any right to. I raised an eyebrow, waiting for him to continue. He took a deep breath and did, "About what happened."

"If Light-kun is comfortable with it," I said, trying to keep the hope out of my voice.

"I think…I think I have to be." He said. "I've been trying to figure it out myself, but I'm no closer to an answer. But I trust you and…I hate keeping things from you." I nodded, pulling on my shirt. "Let's go into the living room." He left the room and I followed slowly. He sat on the couch and I sat facing him, legs drawn up to my chest. He sat there, looking at the ground for a few minutes.

"When you weren't with me, Kira would…he would talk to me." Light still kept his eyes off of me, gazing with intensity at the floor. "I'm not just talking about after you burned…you know…after. Even before. But afterwards it was worse. And then…you left me with my parents." He stopped talking; looking more vulnerable than I'd seen him in the six months we had really been together. When his eyes met mine, I saw that he was scared.

"I have already told you that I was sorry about that," I said softly, reaching a hand out for him. He didn't move, letting me pull him against me. I wrapped my arms around him and he rested his head on my chest, his right hand clenching my shirt. I felt him draw a shuddering breath before continuing.

"He said horrible things, L." His voice was a whisper that I had to strain to hear. "About you. And about me. And I believed him. Every lie he told me, and I was helpless to resist." He pushed away, looking me in the eyes fully. He wasn't crying - he was never one to cry – but he was as close as I had ever seen him to tears.

"I'm so sorry, L," He said hoarsely. "My brain knew he was lying – that you wouldn't do all those things to me. But…"

"It wasn't your fault, Light-kun," I said, shaking my head. I opened my mouth to say something else, but Light cut me off.

"I know. But…" He said. "I keep thinking 'If only I'd fought harder, none of this would have happened.'" He pushed away from me, searching my face. I said nothing, knowing that he wasn't done yet. "And then you came back. And I was so happy, but his words were in my head. And he was standing there next to you, whispering those words again – " I realized what he'd just said and had to say something.

"That's who you were looking at." It wasn't a question. "And who you were talking to when you turned away from the camera." He nodded, looking solemn.

"I wasn't sure you would notice that." He admitted. "But then I…I needed to hurt you. And you didn't fight back and I couldn't understand. And he wanted you to fight back, too. But you didn't so I realized maybe he really was lying. Oh god. I almost…with my hands." He lifted his hands up like a marionette, looking at them in horror. I reached out, grabbing them in mine. He looked up, taking a breath before continuing.

"And then you said you loved me. Kira got really mad. And he made me hit you. He'd never done that before; forcibly taking control. So I wasn't expecting it. But I thought you were dead. He hit you so hard, and you weren't moving. That's…that's what gave me the strength to fight him. I called 119 and got an ambulance. But he wasn't gone yet. It wasn't until I was sitting in the waiting room that I realized something important – don't ask me what, because I don't even remember – but I realized it, and then he was gone. I think…I think I acknowledged that I hated you because you made me want to be better. You made me feel inferior. Acknowledging that I'd held a grudge against you made me accept it. If that makes sense. And he's gone for good, I think. I hope." The last two words were a whisper, but I caught them.

"I love you," I said. There was nothing else I could say. He smiled, relaxing and leaning forward to kiss me gently.

"I know," He said, freeing one of his hands from mine and running it through my hair, cupping the back of my head. "Thank you. For everything."

"On the contrary, Light-kun," I said, pressing my forehead against his and looking into his eyes. "I believe I should be the one thanking you." We kissed then, and I felt the last of his hesitation vanish as his hands tangled in my hair. I had no illusions that our relationship would always be easy – with Light as one half and me as the other how could it be? – but a fierce protectiveness grew in me, and I knew I would do whatever it took.

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**A/N: **119 is the same as 911. Only in Japan. (: **  
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